Rambling

It is interesting how much more i am starting to remember about what happened now that i am talking about it with someone who can put a professional perspective on what happened. I even had diary entries while things were going on. People keep telling me i shouldn't have kept going out with the boys, the problem was i hadn't at the time remembered the extent of things they were saying. Some of what they were doing at the time i thought, its ok, they seem to stop when you tell them or, oh thats just them mucking around, but they WEREN'T. The other teachers in the office KNOW this and it was still allowed to keep going. The shit teaching was a separate issue, but it was little difficult when the boys were doing it in the office as well.

I guess my problem is that when i am upset i find it a little hard to focus on anything else. And there has been A LOT i have had to cope with. I thnk me moving away from my family has been trying to escape the family problems, but then i have problems with my peers as well. I dont think i have dealt with things properly and its time to, because i dont want to end up lonely.

Dad left when i was in grade 6. I found out the same year i had a quite serious medical problem, meaning i needed growth hormone and that i can't have children.  Academically i have always had problems with maths and was a little lonely at school. I would fake sick days a fair bit.

My brother was accepted into a prestigous school that year as well. At the time i was jealous of the attention he was getting. He had not been happy at his first high school and some teachers were worried about his fascination for violence and blood.

We would visit my father every second weekend, i found this a little unsettling. I didnt like having to cart all my growth hormone and medication around. I was starting to feell like a guinea pig i had been to so many doctors whilst in grade 6 and year 7. Apart from that I was enjoying my first year at high school. Had made a couple of good friends. i never told anybody about the growth hormone treatment. I was angry at mum for telling some of her friends and i don't think dad understood the implications of what had been diagnosed. We have not really talked about it much apart from "you'll be right".

My brother started going to church once he moved high schools. Had a rough settling in period but seemed to like the school and made some good friends.

My father and mother both met new partners. Dad got remarried and my brother did not like her. We would have fights pretty much every weekend we went to see him. She had a daughter living with her and my father as well.

In year seven i had my tonsils out as well. More trips to the doctors. My best friend moved schools at the end of year 7 and i found things a little difficult after that. year 8 was ok. I made friends with two of the boys in my level, but one of my girl friends seemed jealous of the friendship and poisoned it a little.

In year 9 i made a new group of friends, but they had a falling out with one of the girls (R) and as she was the one who introduced me to the group i kind of felt a little isolated by them for supporting her. But i tried to stay loyal.

A lot of my social high school time was spent dealing with a problem i had with one girl (ka). We essentially didn't get along and she used to exclude me from things which would upset me terribly because it was a group of  four and the other three liked me, but they would always do what she said.

In year 12 it was exam time. My father had remarried by this stage. I had been appy for them I even encouraged them to take a honeymoon. My brother had met a girl and shortly after this he had a breakdown. This is where things got nasty.

I will continue this in another entry.