Rambling

Have one more visit to the doctor this month, she is confident i will get past the setbacks, which is good i guess.

had my last visit at the careers counselling centre ACER today as well. This has been helpful in making me see why i have found the decision SOOO difficult. Mum has been good, looking all day for jobs for me pretty much.

I applied for one and am going to take some time tailoring some responses for the other stuff Mum and Tom have been very good to me considering mum is sick. She goes into hospital on Tuesday. I feel a little guilty, but this is time i need to be selfish because i don't want things to continue the way they are. I want to improve my relations with peers. I have a few friends, but really need some self esteem boosting. I would like to try teaching again perhaps - especially since the course cost me so much......i guess it's provided me with some useful skils i can apply to something else though. I really don't like the whole being a performer 24/7 that goes with the job in Japan, whilst i love the country itself.......it just got too much while i was sick and dealing with the other stuff.

I am mainly glad to be home, i am trying to get back into things agian. I don't know if this is upsetting mum at the moment, it might be but she hasn't said it is and i have been trying - hugs, massages.....it's difficult when it's not you going through it i guess and i have been panicking i am schizo.....I am not, neither doctor has said i am. I simply need to talk and have some guidance. At least i took it upon myself to go and see someone. I knew things weren't right.

Writing this has been good. I can't believe how upset i have been. It is a problem however that i can never focus on anything else once i do get upset and that kind of digs my grave for me, because i am too hurt to be rational.

Anyway, better finish up. I have a feeling things may geta bit better. YAY.