Rambling

Well, am just back from the wedding of the youngest of T's daughters. It was a really nice day. Am now at mums. They aren't back yet.

You know, dad came to visit me at the hotel and said that his wife was still upset about when she wrote to me (when the whole fight over maintenance was going on) and then mum apparently sent a letter back to her via a solicitor.....not my fucking problem and for the umpteenth time, I am not my mother. But she seems to want to vent her anger at mum in any way she can. Just a shame that this shit seems to absolutely ruin my relationship with both parents. Dad because I get fed up with him telling me his wife is more important and fed up with him let her have that kind of fucking control over him and yet if I dared to ever say anything about her he would not react kindly, but all the stunts and nasty things she says are fine. NO THEY ARE NOT. The issue with mum is still there, me staying here does not change the fact she lied to me and others about selling the house, and she went behind my back when I was getting counselling.

I just don't know what to do about it, because if I have a wedding one day the kind of speaches that were had last night, I can not imagine saying. I cannot imaging saying thanks to my parents for supporting  me through uni when all they did was fight via lawyers and they did not speak at my graduation. Not only that but they were as rude as hell when I came home from Japan after basically being pretty close to getting raped.

I guess just find my own place and get on with things. I need to stand up for myself but I am just so tired of all the agro. It is never going to change if they can't deal with it themselves. I need to concentrate on myself and not let it ruin other areas of my life like it has in the past. I am going to start looking at apartments on Monday I suppose, because the sooner I have my own place again the better probably, at least I am not around it 24/7. I

I know dad must feel a little stuck in the middle when f pulls her stunts, but he lets her do it.

Is it any wonder my self esteem has been so low when this kind of shit has repeatedly drummed into me that I am not important.