Rambling

Wrote an entry last night which somehow seems to have disappeared. Can't quite remeber what I wrote exactly. It was about not wanting to become my mother....If she is bullying I don't want to do the same thing but she is so hard to get away from. I join a gym, and she did at the same time as well. I used to be in a choir during high school and now all of a sudden she is joining a choir, but......

I hate the fact that it has consumed so much of my time. It is exhausting having to pre empt.

the family birthdays are this month as well. I hate the fact that the family thinks i am a fucking friek. That really hurts. Maybe if they would stop dismissing me and....sorry.

I just don't know what is real anymore. I don't want to see any of my family because I am soooo fed up of this. At least I had some peace in Japan. I don't need to spend time with people who are rude or don't like me. I am discussed at length by my family and not in a nice way. I don't treat them like it and I don't want to be treated like it.

NO rational person would have even apologised for (wanting mum to butt out of my relationship with dad). And yet I feel guilty. What the hell for.

Similarly, what kind of person would have put up with (t and j's) treatment for so long. I should have said something to (S) after the bloody game of RISK. No one would ave passed that behaviour off. It was wrong no matter how fucking drunk they were. I dunno, I just want peace and to be happy and I never seem able to be when I am around my family. I have a need for that support because I don't have a huge group of friends, but it doesn't mean they are giving me any support emotionally and they aren't. I am sick of being picked on and dismissed for the way i feel and being accused of saying things that I never said. I have never accused mum of bloody neglect.  I really feel nuts and since the family keeps telling me I am then.......

My shrink even seems to be getting bored with me. I really don't know what to make of my appointments because she doesn't want to see me very much anymore and keeps saying she is glad I am away from the situation. Maybe I just need to stop trying so hard I dunno. Maybe I shouldn't have read the book, because it has just made me angrier with mum. I also feel cheated out of my younger years having to deal with so much other baggage and crap going on.

On a brighter note, I am getting my photos idea underway. Printing is going slowly but well. I am making friends at work. It is nice not being in a forced social situation where I have no other options of people to socialise with.