Rambling

Had an overwhelming desire to uproot and move interstate yesterday. Similar to the feeling of wanting (needing) to go overseas. I was glad to get away from the family and I know it sounds horrible, but there is just too much emotional pain and it gets too hard. I lived in another country where I learnt the language travelled on my own and experienced a totally new culture and come home and it's the same emotional crap and frustrations again. I always feel like i am going mad and the fact my mother keeps telling me I am doesn't improve the situation.

I said nothing wrong. No rational person would have felt it necessary to apologise. There is nothing wrong with wanting to keep my relationship with my parents separate and since they cant be mature there is nothing wrong with me wanting mum to stop sticking her nose in. HOW DARE she and THEN fucking tell me I am mental because I am hurt at him taking it out on me. WHY the hell am I aplogising when I haven't done anything wrong.  I know I have said it all before but she is making assumptions as well and doing exactly what she TELLS me NOT to do because oooh "I'm not doing anything" and I can't now try talking to dad about this because its just going to make things worse.

The other thing is, if the relationship is abusive what the hell must nanna have been like and I sure as hell DO NOT want to end up the same but she is impossible to get away from - even when I am in another god damn country.....arghh.  Really need to start leaving the baggage behind but it is like she wants to torture us and if she actually KNOWS or REALISES what she is doing then I don't want to see her anymore because it just isn't going to change.

Maybe it's brewed for so long because I had a need - they are my parents, so I put up with it when I shouldn't have and it really is taking it's toll.....i don't know.

I have the right not to be patronised and have my feelings made fun of and totally disregarded and be undermined. To be free from these what I can only describe as toxic relationships. If that means not seeing much of may family so be it. Might be hard to accept, but if it is the cause for so much of my distress then it reallyisn't worth the agony to me at the moment....I don't deserve it. I dont slag mum off to the rest of the family. I have never accused her of neglect and i wish she would stop saying that I DO. I respect her opinions. She undermines me, denies my perceptions repeatedly and just doesn't seem to get why I respond negatively to being repeatedly dismissed and made fun of for my feelings and not liking her interfering. AND then say she isn't upset when she really is. ARGHHHH.

I wish I could stop harping about it, but it's difficult. I have alot of hurt built up from mum AND dad and I am sick of their guilt and other crap getting in the way of them seeing who I am. He denies my perspective as well which was just as hurtful and considering what I was upset about that at the moment is pretty inexcusable.

I guess I  need to accept maybe I am damaged, I certainly haven't had things especially easy. I make the same mistakes in my friendships or acquaintances, which is something I am starting to notice. Again, any time something happened in a friendship mum would always take there side and never validate my experience of what went wrong she was always oh well theres somehting wrong with you pretty much....need to stop writing because I am only going to upset myself more if i continue probably......