Christmas
Am a little nervous about christmas this year. I need to keep re affirming to myself that my comments were misinterpreted try and separate myself from the other issues that are present. There will be plenty of other people there for me to talk to, so hopefully it goes ok. I am tired of her trying to undermine me (my mother i mean) but like my shrink said, if it isn't going to change then i need to learn ways of coping with it and separating myself from it. I am an adult. I am sick of having to struggle for everything and feeling like mum and dad and their partners are always pissed off at me when I haven't done anything. You know what i seem to recall mum making an issue of who was picking me up at the airport the 1st time i came home from japan - i was going to end up getting a taxi because she was returning from Vietnam the day before me, I couldn't have cared less, but it became a 'drama' as well. For fuck sake you know what. EVERYTHING IS ALWAYS ABOUT HER AND HER FUCKING FEELINGS< WHY DOES SHE THINK I AM BEING LIKE I AM IF IAM SUPPOSEDLY SOOO DIFFICULT -
I AM HURT AND HAVE FEELINGS TOO SHE IS NOT THE ONLY ONE> AND DAD IS ARROGANT AND NEVER TALKS ABOUT ANYTHING SIMPLY LETS HIS WIFE CONTROL HIM. All I did was step off a bloody plane.
I know i have said it a hundred times, but......argh. I am sick of being treated is stupid and nasty and spiteful and immature or childish and having my opinions made fun of and dismissed getting picked on and laughed at for my feelings. I don't want to end up like my uncle and aunty and their daughter and her husband & kids - they never speak to each other anymore because of a huge falling out they had at christmas a few years ago.
I can't do much except be me and hope the family eventually calms down and things get to some kind of 'normal'. To be honest I don't think I am the only one who needs therapy here.
That aside, my massage and facial were awesome - very relaxing. Definitely something I will consider doing more often if i can. Had a guitar lesson and a boxing lesson as well this week. The boxing lesson was fun. I am finding the guitar difficult. I don't seem to have the patience to practice at the moment. Have a Japanese lesson on Monday, looking forward to it.
The more I am away from it the more hurt I am getting, I know my shrink encouraged me to get away, but you know what. This sucks. I had every reason and right to go off at mum she has been telling me i am mental from the minute I got home "you never know, it runs in the family...." - she hasn't hardly seen me in two years - if what I fucking said was so insensitive what about her and then analysing how much toilet paper I bloody use for god sake. Sorry, possibly some resdual animosity coming out now I am in my apartment and have some space to breathe and deal with things and get MY life on track.
