Brunch
yeah, tomorrow morning i have brunch for the job i start on monday. I am pleased to have found something. It will get me out of the house a little bit and i wont have to worry about being mollycoddled quite so much. I feel a little less tense now whichis good. I am not going to visit dad at his house anymore. I am sick to death of her being such a BITCH to me and my brother. I don't have to sit there and put up with being insulted. I am going to try and go and visit grandma and that though - BY MYSELF. Because I am also getting sick of the fact that whenever i spend time with dad we end up fighting because of ideas bloody fucking bitchface puts into his head and his anger towards mum. He doesn't need to take it out on me. I don't really feel like having lunch with him on Friday. But that is about all he's ever going to get. I will see him at my brothers house and i will see him.
I am looking forward to meeting the other people i will be working with tomorrow. Have to make a good impression, they will probably be looking at how we interact.
I am so sick of feeling like my confidence is being undermined. I just want to be left alone to get on top of things and establish myself again. Of course i am finding it hard, i have just gotten back from overseas and not doing much except looking for work. I don't think she does it intentionally but mum does generate a lot of anxiety in me. Her expectations and opinions. I hate it. I need to figure out who I am and make my own opinions. It is difficult and i am sick of dad being a bastard. He wont talk to me and i get frustrated because i never understand what he is pissed off about. Maybe i need to try talking to him about it, i dunno if it is worth trying again though. Just give it time or be more subtle when i bring it up.
I should be happy. It's all i want. No drama and family tension. I am going to. I am sick of feeling embarrassed about who i am and like i can't be myself around family and being picked on by his fucking bitch of a wife.
I have a job, yay, yay, i have a job, yay yay yay yay. sorry, getting carried away. I have a guitar lesson friday. hope they don't get upset by that as well. Argh, i am sick of making them feel anxious.
The cycle needed to stop somehow, and hopefully, given time, this will make things easier. I still want my own place. i need to not let bloody bitchfaces opinion get to me so much and if dad wants to be a bloody shithead who never gets involved, then bugger him.
