Rambling

Well I think I did blow it by being too shy....nevermind.  I just don't now why I can't be the girl that jumped in the lake that day and was carefree and confident in Lake Louise building inukshuks and going hiking. Why can't more guys see that side of me more (and NICER guys than O more to the point). I always ruin it by clamming up. When they don't or shouldn't have an agenda I am fine, but not otherwise.....

I always end up just looking lame because I don't have the gut to make the first move or am too scared of rejection to give my feelings or impressions away. Only I could manage to stuff something like this. I get my hopes up and then never know what to do and guys look at me with the expectation that I am sexually active because of my age which just makes it more difficult, because I give the wrong impression and say the wrong things or just don't notice things. I can tell that both teachers were sussing me out. But then we don't talk or make opportunities to talk outside the classroom. I dunno, am I supposed to make a bold move and go with them on their break do they want that? I would have thought they would ask me to join them if they were keen, so maybe I am just some eye candy and there is nothing more to it. Maybe I just have tickets on myself and maybe I am just lame because I am too quiet and guys don't have the patience to take their time to cut through that initial shyness before formulating an impression.  And maybe, I am too wary because of the t and j thing in Japan and this is a teaching environment. Maybe I imagined (IR) checking me out. My friend (t) thinks making it obvious is not a bad thing.....but I think I left it too late and have just looked or come across lame. I guess I still have two or three more weeks of term left.....I guess an initial response like what I got was simply an excited 'fresh meat' primal response and didn't mean anything. Maybe I think too much because I have too much free time.