Jun 29, 2012 at 15:25 o\clock

Back home

Well, have given notice at work and am back in my home city for a visit at the moment.

Thinking about J and what happened in Japan a lot lately. Strange because it is some years ago that things happened. I guess maybe it's because I feel like I have failed in Sydney and am just going back to another time when things didn't work out.  I will miss the choir, the weather, the beach and the prettyness of the city but I think it is the right decision to come home. I just really want to find a job I am going to be happy in. Work were a little disappointed but eh, I have been unhappy there for so long it is ridiculous.

Tried to see some temp agencies - managed one. No other agencies got back to me. Grrr. Annoying. I will need to target companies directly instead I guess as I just don't seem to have a lot of luck with agencies. It really is a lot more difficult to find a job these days. The interviews are much harder. I am used to not taking very long to find something so this is proving very difficult and hard not to get down hearted at times.

Back to J. Not sure why I am thinking about him. Little things he said keep playing over in my head as well as that night. Perhaps it is because I am still grappling with my conflicting emotions about it all. Maybe I just can't come to terms with the fact I liked him and he was a total b**d to me and he didn't care how uncomfortable, shy and at times frightened, I was. Didn't care about me at all, just enjoyed picking on me. I have started sobbing again when I think too much about it. I look at the public facebook memorial page his brother set up.... I can't understand the nice comments on the page. I never saw that side of him. I saw a drunk, drug ruined, nasty, arrogant, horrible person. Then I think about what happened after I got transferred and the teachers isolating me and not talking to me and how awful that was when I was still getting past what the boys did.

Maybe I just have too much time to myself to think. I have come a long way since it all happened. I can't believe I didn't just leave the company without saying a word and then it probably wouldn't have been as drawn out and traumatic. I think of things I wish I had done differently - like walked away at times or something.  But then I think no - they knew by me saying "no" and "stop" etc and the expression on my face that I didn't like it and was uncomfortable. It didn't make any difference what I or anyone else said. It didn't stop them and they always found a way to manipluate me into not storming off at the actual time they did it. I don't like knowing that I put up with it for so long and that it happened at all really. I feel like a different person and at times it is hard to relate to what I was like. I know it happened, but at the same time it is too horrible and I wish it was all a bad dream and didn't happen.

In other news, I caught the train down. 11 hours. Arrghh. read my kindle most of the trip and the lady sitting next to me showed me how to do a pearl stitch with her knitting. Not sure I will remember how to do it, but it was good to get a practicse as my skills are limited to scarves at the moment and it would be nice to be able to do something more complex.