Apr 30, 2011 at 02:56 o\clock

Royal Wedding

Well as everyone knows we just had the royal wedding. The bride looked beautiful. I enjoyed watching it on TV. The dress was just stunning. But anyways enough about that - it's all over the news as it is. 

I have had an extended Easter Break which has been nice. Finished my assignment a few days ago - hopefully it passes. Don't know if I am going to do the 3rd subject I just want to get away from where I am. To make matters worse the older lady in the team stopped talking to me and the other guy in the team. I am just so sick of it. She was really mad at something he said and from this I gather she also felt obliged to take it out on me as well. He has been on holidays so I have been there for a week and a half of the silent treatment which sucked. I printed out and signed my resignation letter that week. Went to see a counsellor as well because I was just at a really low point. It didn't help much because she got really clinical as well "what tools did so and so give you for these situations blah blah" which I don't like that approach because it feels accusatory. 

Had a meeting with the boss which was actually good. He put the performance review into perspective. The company is harsh across the board. Only 10 percent of people got a better rating which is about three people. So what I got is normal. Was nice not feeling like shit for once and actually being able to talk about something that is bothering me. He is aware the lady is not talking to either of us because the guy in the team said something before he went away on holidays. After that treatment from her I don't feel like talking to her anymore myself. From what I am hearing it is all stuff she is pissed off about with the guy in the team so I don't get it. She's just a bitch.

I am still searching for a new job.

You know I really just don't feel like I have succeeded at anything.  I struggled through school, was terribly self conscious as a teen, I have not succeeded at teaching and not getting anywhere in finance. I have never had a romantic relationship with someone of the opposite sex. I am not getting any younger and it is depressing me.   I am not really making any friends in ths city either. What is wrong with me. Am I just shockingly unlucky or plain stupid. I just feel really worthless at times and it is an awful feeling and really hard to shake. 

The choir performance is ina couple of weeks and my birthday is next week. 



Apr 10, 2011 at 13:14 o\clock



We got out performance ratings. I got pretty ordinary results as expected. We did get told they were very tough and most people got similar ratings. I found out what the other guy in my team got and I am pissed he did better than me. I don't understand what I am doing differently at work to him and there are some things I am better at because I have been there longer. I can't understand and it makes me feel like I am being told I have an attitude problem. He does nothing to go above and beyond and yet he gets a behaviour rating that suggests he does. I have done training sessions for the team, helped train him and yet I get a rating that suggests I do absolutely nothing to go above and beyond. The old boss did say he was harder on me than him because I had been there longer (by about 4 months). His productivity is better and he makes less mistakes - perhaps it was those things that pulled him over the line by comparison. Probably Iam being made to pay for looking for other work because he made my life miserable that month in particular. 

I have been upset about it all weekend which I guess is silly because I have a new boss now who I actually find approachable and can talk to. He is even geting me to help him with the team stats. The old boss never let us do anything different. I guess I can approach it in a way of getting clarification of expectations and how I can improve. Nothing I can do is going to change it. I just wish I could find another job. I am just sick of feeling utterly discouraged and like crap. Sick of the gossip too. I have been rejected 4 times for jobs in other areas now and that on top of this review I find unfair and the rude people I have had enough. I am very seriously thinking of cutting my loses going OS for a month to get my head in a more positive space so I can actually present a positive image when I interview because my depression about all this is probably showing. Just makes me scared that if I have been looking this long already, if  I quit it could take just as long or longer and that is a long time to be out of work. If I quit I need a plan - ie; to study or something........I dunno. Maybe I am just over thinking because I have nothing else in my life besides work to worry about. Just the atmosphere is doing nothing for my self esteem when I just always feel like nothing I do is good enough and I don't understand what is expected of me and I found logic behind my ratings unfair. That and I just don't enjoy the job itself. The team is not appreciated or respected and not much has been done to address that issue. 

No baby no boyfriend or husband. I just don't think that stuff is going to happen for me. Apart from trying speed dating I have been asked out on a date ONCE in my life and now I am just too old. I get sick of people look at me like a freak when I am doing stuff by myself. Movies, dinner, the Zoo today. Sorry for actually not wanting to sit at home and stare at the walls.