Feeling lonley. Part of that I think is not feeling so great about getting older. I don't mean to sound needy and pathetic but it would be nice to have someone to share experiences with. I sometimes just sit and reflect on things I have done - like travel to Central Aus, Japan, New Zealand, New Caledonia, Canada and it is stuff I have done solo. Sure I have met people along the way, but it would be nice to have someone to share those things with and to have experienced some of those times with.
Sometimes I feel like I have wasted my 20s being shy and concerning myself with all the crap that seems to happen in my family which is just never going to change. I wish I had realised that sooner and actually not let i get to me so much. Hard though some of it is really hurtful.
I was talking to one of the girls at work and told her I feel lonely sometimes and that it would be nice to meet someone. I didn't add the fact I have NEVER really had a boyfriend.
I don't know, it's just like it would be nice to find out what that is like. Perhaps I am just super emotional at the moment, but it would really be nice. All I have is two arseholes that found it amusing to make fun of me and bet on getting a f*88* out of me. It has taken a while to move on from what happened there. Whilst I have male friends/acquaintances through work, there is no one special. Perhaps I am not ready, and perhaps I am just lonely being in my own place not having much to do. I guess also, that I shouldn't really want to meet someone just to help boost my self esteem. I need to be confident within me first.
But I feel like I have had enough. Emotionally I am exhausted and really don't think I would be up to handling a major crises. I feel left out with my family, and I have been hurt by people so much in the past that it just makes me feel like giving up sometimes and accepting defeat or that perhaps I am just meant to be single. I can't have kids so maybe I am shielding myself from having to deal with that. But at least if I had a partner I could stop dwelling on how hurt some of the family stuff makes me. I am not exactly ancient and still have life in me. I want to enjoy it and have someone to share experiences with, not just look back and go "wow, I did this this this and this.....all by myself".
It's like what have I acheived in my life so far - I have struggled though VCE and graduating University. Divorce and medical crises (my own and that of other family members), being lied to by family, being lied to by friends, family feuds, travel overseas, being harassed. I have worked since I was 16 to help pay for things I want to do. I have a crap job but it pays good.
I know I have written entries like this a few times, so sorry if I am repeating myself for what may seem like the billionth time.
Sorry it's not a cheerier entry. I am not sure if it made a lot of sense.