Rambling

Mar 23, 2008 at 08:35 o\clock

Burnt

Went to the beach yesterday and am paying the price for it today with a red body that is stinging like crazy... my own stupid fault.  Anyways, other than that not much other news to report. I have a flat to look at on Tuesday - hope I get it. From what I have seen so far, it is pretty nice, so fingers crossed. I then need to try getting all my stuff from Waverly asap. Although I can see I am probably going to need to hold off on that until I can get someone to drive me over to Waverly or at least meet me there. A taxi is going to be pretty pricey from Waverly to Brunswick...maybe not if they use the freeway though I suppose.  I could get transport over and a taxi back worst coming to worst....

Probably thinking a little too far ahead.

Am working tomorrow, which is good cos it means extra pay. Bad cos I don't have a lot to do without log ins yet.  Anyways enough for now.

 

Mar 19, 2008 at 13:05 o\clock

Apartment Hunting

Well, it's going slower than I hoped. Partly becuase I have had work, public holidays, weddings and moving from hotel rooms to cope with during the last couple of weeks as well. I am sure I will find something, it will just take a bit longer than I was hoping. Frustrating when I have very few work clothes here at the moment. Which I guess is an excuse to go shopping.

Had a look at a couple of places on the weekend and didn't end up going for either of them, although if I hadn't been so exhausted from the heat and tired from waiting I probably would have applied for the one in Northcote I looked at, it was large and quite modern, near a station and clean and only 160. Not surprised it got snapped up. Kicking myself I didn't wait. But I have another one to look at on Tuesday and whilst from the outside it looks a little worn, it looks pretty good on the inside from what I can tell through windows and it is only a block of six and quite close to transport - more so than the other one. As for the studio I looked at, that was a joke. Anyways. enough for now. Work is ok. Taking a while to get my computer access back which is a little boring, but I am glad to be around the familiarity. It has made coming back to Melbourne nicer, because at least these people are happy to see me and there isn't all this other baggage floating around making things fucking impossible.

 

Mar 15, 2008 at 15:05 o\clock

It's too hot.

The last few entries have been a little whingey, but tonight I have another whinge. #8, 40 and mid 30 degree heat and the room is uncomfortably hot. Hence, I am not up and about in the middle of the night on the computer.

Work was ok this week. Went looking at a couple of places today, but neither of them really screamed out at me to take. So hopefully next weekend brings a few nice places. It is probably going to take a bit of time. I am restricted to only really being able to get around on Saturdays and no one seems to want to drive me to look at them, so I am stuck getting to and from by transport.....

Mum wants me to live near them so i can call in more often.....I find that a little weird considering. I mean doesn't make the lying and secrecy from last time I was here and bullying OK. I am still not ok with that stuff and really we are not talking much, there are moments they seem to feel a little guilty.

Haven't heard frm dad either.

On a brighter note, my friend L is coming to Melbourne soon and it will be nice to see her again after the trip. We will be able to have a few good yarns and she sounds like she has some fun stuff she wants to do, so am looking forward to seeing her.

Mar 12, 2008 at 12:26 o\clock

First couple of days.

Well, so far it has been ok going back to work. I have just been listening to everyone else take calls. Tomorrow I have training on a new product which should be ok. Hopefully no more paperwork needs to be completed. I am certainly looking forward to getting back into a routine and the first paycheck after so lon of not working and spending savings....

Dad has not called to see how the week has gone and I have not called him. I am not really sure how to handle the situation because at the moment I feel like just not even bothering, I am so tired of his wife trying to ruin the relationship that I am at the point of going you know what fuck him and giving her what she wants. I am fedup with being hurt.

On a brighter note, I will probably go and check out an apartment on the weekend which I think is available pretty soon. If I am successful in the application and I actually like the apartment that will be awesome. My own place again.

Mar 9, 2008 at 23:46 o\clock

Weird

Feeling a little exhausted emotionally at the moment. Just kind of absorbing and collecting myself. Start work tomorrow which will be good. I just am tired of not being able to do anything right and I guess partof it is an attention thing. There is always so  much other events happening that I feel overlooked at times.

Other than that, is good that things are kind of ok here. We aren't really talking much though....so that could be meaning things are still not really ok. They probably wont be for a while.

Mar 9, 2008 at 04:09 o\clock

More Weddings

Well, am just back from the wedding of the youngest of T's daughters. It was a really nice day. Am now at mums. They aren't back yet.

You know, dad came to visit me at the hotel and said that his wife was still upset about when she wrote to me (when the whole fight over maintenance was going on) and then mum apparently sent a letter back to her via a solicitor.....not my fucking problem and for the umpteenth time, I am not my mother. But she seems to want to vent her anger at mum in any way she can. Just a shame that this shit seems to absolutely ruin my relationship with both parents. Dad because I get fed up with him telling me his wife is more important and fed up with him let her have that kind of fucking control over him and yet if I dared to ever say anything about her he would not react kindly, but all the stunts and nasty things she says are fine. NO THEY ARE NOT. The issue with mum is still there, me staying here does not change the fact she lied to me and others about selling the house, and she went behind my back when I was getting counselling.

I just don't know what to do about it, because if I have a wedding one day the kind of speaches that were had last night, I can not imagine saying. I cannot imaging saying thanks to my parents for supporting  me through uni when all they did was fight via lawyers and they did not speak at my graduation. Not only that but they were as rude as hell when I came home from Japan after basically being pretty close to getting raped.

I guess just find my own place and get on with things. I need to stand up for myself but I am just so tired of all the agro. It is never going to change if they can't deal with it themselves. I need to concentrate on myself and not let it ruin other areas of my life like it has in the past. I am going to start looking at apartments on Monday I suppose, because the sooner I have my own place again the better probably, at least I am not around it 24/7. I

I know dad must feel a little stuck in the middle when f pulls her stunts, but he lets her do it.

Is it any wonder my self esteem has been so low when this kind of shit has repeatedly drummed into me that I am not important.

Mar 6, 2008 at 03:25 o\clock

Good News Bad News

Good News, am back in Melbourne and going back to my job at ANZ. Start training today.

Bad news, my father put me up at a hotel because his wife chucked a hissy fit and refused to come back to the house while I was staying with them. I had been back three days and done nothing wrong. He basically sat me down and same old story of, I am not losing my marriage for my kids. She is a bitch for puting him in the positon of having to make such a choice. This time he is saying she has mental problems because of her own family issues. You know what, it has been like it for the last 10 years if not basically as long as he has know her. It is never going to change and I am so angry because I had been looking for work in Thursday and Friday and then had to uproot on the Saturday and if any of them called for interviews, they all had the home number. For fuck sake.

This also means I have had to go crying to mum because I had no idea what else to do. I asked my cousin earlier whilst still overseas because I didn't want to stay with either parent but they are renovating. I didn't want to ask my aunty via snail mail. Things with mum seem to be ok, she and t were fine with me coming to stay. Which is amazing considering we have had very little contact because of the whole secret sell the house business and crap that went on last time. Being around my family is never relaxing and I guess I just need to accept that and stop putting my heart out there to get trampled on.

How would it be if one day dad and his wife need something and my partner behaves like it and I say sorry dad, my husband is more important to you. I know you have no income at the moment but you need to go and sign a lease or find someone to share the rent with. Fucking IDIOT arsehole.

On a brighter note, I have a wedding to go to this weekend which should be good and I start work on Tuesday - have some training tonight which will be interesting. I know it's an easy out, but I think I wanted try and make a few things to be as stress free as possible because part of me knew coming home just wasn't going to be stress free. It is kind of nice being on speaking terms with mum again. I suppose I should still be a little wary because there is bound to be mixed emotions about this as well. People keep telling me to do something with my career but at the moment I just want to get my own apartment again and an income and have familiar surroundings around me for some stability. I had a fantastic time overseas. I guess it isn't totally the end of the world dad did pay for me to be at the hotel and be away from his wife and her dramas, but the fact there was no choice and that he just doesn't seem to understand that I need an income to do anything major.

I bought my own food whilst I was with them - no one I stayed with in the UK would let me pay for much of my food at all. Neither does mum. It doesn't seem to matter what I do she just simply has an issue with dad's kids. Jealousy perhaps.I offered to put money in kitty and then dad sits me down and tells me she is refusing to come back to the house. I see this little note book with all the nit picky shit she has complained to him about. Nevermind the fact I have had next to no sleep for 30 odd hours.

And he has the gall to thank me for being supportive?????

I caught up with a friend from ANZ when he dropped me at the hotel as I really didn't want to be by myself. We had a few drinks and then the next day watched some DVDs at her place. It was good to feel like old times again and just take a load off.