Rambling

have tried writing an entry twice and it has timed out on me. frustrating.

it was a post about my friendship with (K) and just how sometimes I find her a little obnoxious and wonder how we are still friends. We arent really fighting, but sometimes I just wonder how it works when we are so opposite. I hate being labelled or tagged and I get fed up with people losing interest in who I am simply because I find it hard to be totally outgoing. I am ok with her one on one usually, but just from time to time some of her comments are quite irritating. I need to stand up for myself a little with her.

I am going to miss (L) a lot. part of me wishes she wasnt going. But the other part of me knows it is a fantastic opportunity for her. The goodbye party on the 24th was nice, I enjoyed mixing with her other friends.

I need to actually start going to the gym or get some other interests maybe then i wouldnt be such a bore, that is part of the problem. I dont HAVE much TO talk about at times because I am so lonely. I keep saying I will go to a boxing class, need to actually try and get to one or even aerobics if the schedule at work doesnt suit. 

I need to stop letting people walk all over me and speak for me and FUCK their assumptions.

The trip to the snow with the girls from work has now become a horse back winery tour weekend instead which is a little less expensive, should still be fun.

Not a lot else to write, I am not going to rehash the entry I had prepared. I feel better just writing it, never mind if it is published.

EQUAL.  is my word of the month.

What Theme Song Are You

"Back in black, I hit the sack,
I've been too long, I'm glad to be back"

Things sometimes get really crazy for you, and sometimes you have to get away from all the chaos.
But each time you stage your comeback, it's even better than the last Song is Back in Black by AC/DC

(L) goes on Friday to the UK. She is sooooo excited about this. I am happy for her, but will really miss her a lot. I am going to be quite lonely.... that is not her problem though.

Got my prize or award at work. YAY.

Have tomorrow off, plan on watching dvds. YAY

Have Saturday off as well, no plans yet....

Group of us at work want to go to Mt Buller for snowboarding in a few weeks time, which I am very excited about. Am going to go on a road trip up to Sydney for my Annual Leave whenever it gets approved. YAY.

My appartment is nice and warm bc i have the heater on. Gotta love that. Maybe not going to love the electricity bill though....

Got off lightly for being late to work yesterday. TL didnt say anything much considering our altercation last month i was very taken aback.

No other news to tell, installed new virus software because i spent all day on Friday r trying to updatem install and uninstall the existing program which went beserk and totally fucked up so now have a new pakage. after a day unprotected it managed to find a virus when i ran the first scan upon installation. It remved a trojan, so i have changed all my passwords and now forget them all.... have done another scan and apparently my baby laptop is clean and ok again so that is good.

enough for now....gnight.

dunno what my browser is doing at the moment but it is working and showing me the correct page to submit an entry so i dont need to click text mode.

had lunch with dad and my brother today, and then went to a movie 'click' afterwards. then drinks for a girl at work who goes on her honeymoon on Sunday.

lunch was good. havent seen them in a while, so good to catch up.

saw my shrink today and she said i dont need to see her again unless i want to basically, which is good i suppose. wish it had never gotten to that stage, but if i wasn't coping then at least i had nouse enough to seek help. just dunno if i want this kind of thing in a medical file for me dont want other strangers thinking i am nuts or anything...not that it matters i suppose. Part of me feels like she didn't quite get me, the experience is quite hard to explain especially when no one will actually talk to you about it and you feel like you have to guess. But if i was fine why would i have to go and see her for a year....and yet every session i see her she tells me i am fine, why then did it last a year....dont suppose it matters anymore. Life is OK at the moment.

I am not suffering from anxiety or anything like that. I guess i am never going to understand.

i am never going to fogive my mother for going and saying i was suicidal. that really hurt and put the shrink in a tricky position, she had to consider it even if it wasnt true, just imagine if i had of done something then it would be her arse on the line for ignoring my mother. That stinks. Whats worse is that to descirbe how i feel about the way I am treated is soo hard to do without sounding completely nuts whether i actually am or not.

I resent the fact i am the one seeing a shrink when i am not the only one in this family who quite obviously needs it and some more than others.

It has been good in that I have had to accept and look at a few things that have happened in the past. I may moan that i dont need a shrink, but what happened to me with (t and j) is/was not normal. What  happened in various other situations as well was not nice and I need to learn skills to avoid it/deal with it and understand it and to recognise that I am equal and not a piece of crap.

Sorry if this is a bit too serious, but i needed to vent a little.

But anyways, I have some good things to look forward to - my working holiday in Canada and the UK to name a few. 

I get my award prize sometime over the next few days which is cool. was so chuffed to get it, really boosted my confidence.

 

 

just thought i would post a night time entry. i just finished work. turned out to be a pretty good day. i won a star clover award for my multi lingual calls. I was pretty chuffed and felt like sharing the excitement. a TL nominates you and you get a small prize and certificate. YAY. nice to know i am appreciated and makes me feel good and like i am doing a good job.

Soccer world cup is on, don't know if i mentioned that yet. Australia is doing quite well for the first time in ages apparently. We played Japan a while ago and won 2 to 1. played Brazil on SUnday and lost 2 to 0. The crowd in the city and pubs was unbelievable. Federation Square was packed. It is exciting, we have one more game to play before we would possibly make the finals matches..... It is being held in Germany this year. Not a lot else to tell, i am considering applying to be a funster at work - this is like a team that organises stuff for the department ususally farewells etc and birthday messages, chocolate drives for fundraising etc, and welcoming new staff.....could be kinda cool. (Tr) thinks i would be good at so maybe I should listen to her and apply. Look good on the resume and I may get to use my media skills a little and get off the phones a bit more. Got a weird message at work yesterday as well from a manager at a branch saying he had served my mum and wanting me to talk her into joining ANZ. She must have an account with us or something and he was wanting her to bring the rest of her business to ANZ. Nothing to do with me. I told my TL and responded to him by saying it was a breach of privacy and i do not want to give my moither financial advice. He wrote back saying it was a joke. I didn't think it was very funny. Considering we have not spoken in months it is totally inappropriate, not that he is to know that, but regardless, i had no right knowing he had even served her let alone get her to join ANZ as a customer. On a different note, I intend to look into getting my cards printed this weekend - or my days off anyways, I am keen to see how I go at a market....i have been procrastinating a little. Ok, enough of a rant for the moment. I need to get a few goroceries and then get ready for my shift. Enough watching the TV and writing for now, sorry.

we won a team thing at work for our stats and got a JB Hifi gift voucher. The Princess Bride is one of the dvds i got with the money/voucher. I am watching it now, hence the title for this entry. It is a classic movie. total chick flick but i love it. Cary Elwes is sexy as. I also got In Her Shoes (a newie) and Marvins Room with Diane Keaton and Meryl Streep. Other than that, the Ballroom dancing concert was fun last night. I didnt end up going out afterwards surprise surprise, but it was a great night. I would like to take it up, regular classes would be an issue though.....and along with my gym membership.....it would be a great way to meet some new people though. I have a 2.30 shift tomorrow so i can sleep in thankfully. YAY. need it. Up at 5am yesterday, home to bed at 1am and work today until 7.30pm so a little tired, the rest will be good. Not a lot else going on in my life. (L's) going away party is next weekend, that will be sad, but i am happy for her. It is an exciting experience. I have decided I should stop reading (j's) blog. It just upsets me that those two bitches completely left me out. I thought they were my friends (ka) at the very least and considering they call eachother for birthdays and have visited each other a few times and can't actually be bothered replying when i last suggested catching up, i need to listen to the message - fuck off. It may hurt, but they apparently didn't like me and that is something i will have to accept i suppose and move on. Stop upsetting myself by reading it. Maybe they got sick of me whingeing about work at the time, but i needed support that is what friends are supposed to do. i clearly made a mistake in judgement. How do i put my comments to my shrink into practice, well i did last night. (K) was on at me to go out, i knew i was not going to last and i would be shit for my shift the next day. The old me would have caved, worrying she wouldn't like me if i said no. This time I stood my ground and said no. A real friend would accept that and she did. I am equal not an inferior useless piece of nothing. If various people in my past didn't accept me then i should not have continued trying for something they weren't interested in. Anyways, enough for now. Princess Bride is getting good, they are about to go into the Forrest.......

                                  

three days off to myself. it is lunch time now and i am just lazing around. tired from the week and working nights non stop. will head to the gym in about an hour. As for the next two days, not sure yet. i am considering going to Canada at the end of the year.....may be too expensive though. wonder if i will ever get to do it. perhaps after the UK so that is a couple of years off......we will see. All i know is i have wanted to go since i was 16. that is 11 years now. A less expensiveoption - perhaps a road trip around OZ at the end of the year is in order. I may hire a car and take off. Haven't driven in a while and perhaps i can go and visit the family in Batemans Bay and see Canberra. Haven't been to Canberra in years and it would be cool to see the AIS. I am only thinking of this because I a=have to take 2 weeks annual leave at some time within the next few months. I dont want to just sit around my apartment for ages doing nothing. A road trip is not something I have really done before. Perhaps a tour may be of more interest though. people my age....i dunno. I need to get a social circle happening. I will be lonely when (L) leaves otherwise. I keep planning to go to kickboxing class at the gym. I always seem to have to work when the classes are on though which is frustrating. WIll get a schedule when i go today. I have (k's) ballroom dancing concert on Saturday which I am looking forward to. May have already mentioned that. I really need to take up a hobby or a volunteer thing or just something that puts me around some new people to meet. I think I can handle it again now. Junior Pro Media is getting some nice comments too. People seem to like it. I wish I had my keyboard to play some music. I am hopeless at the guitar and just havent had the urge to practice or the patience. Maybe it reminds me of Joel too much. Not a lot else to write at the moment. Work seems ok, i feel ok just a little lonely.

not much has happened since my last post. work, sleep, work, eating, bought a new heater for my appartment and a toothbrush holder. really haven't done anything exciting. I have (k)'s ballroom dancing concert next weekend which will be cool. I am looking forward to it a lot. Want to wear my Alannah Hill outfit.....we will see.  

I get a new TL in a week or so which will  be interesting. Kinda sad my current one is leaving i wish it was one of the others but...nothing i can do to change that so, not something i should worry about. Was actually saying to a friend here i am happy in my job at the moment. More than I have been in a while, because I am not stressing myself out about every little thing. The less responsibility the better, just concentrate on doing what I do do well.

I am saving for the trip to the UK. Have about 1500 so far. Should have enough for the trip and a small holiday hopefully by Nov 2007. It wont take long for me to save another 1500 I don't think, as long as I am sensible with my spending and no more Alannah Hill outfits or anything like that.

Will be interesting to see the elec bill now i have the heater though. Winter is not going to be pleasant without it. The floorboards make it so cold. I need heat, hang the cost.

Tomorrow is the Queens birthday public holiday. I work until 11pm....not so happy about that.

Nothing else to write, haven't heard anything from mum in ages. Feels weird. I hadn't even thought about her until tody. On an everyday functionality basis i am not that upset by it. Possibly a little, but i feel happy. I feel good not being picked on and having her doing things behind my back and me not knowing what she is doin or understanding why people are being like they are because of something she has said and then not talk to me about. Sorry it is hard to describe or put into words exactly how frusdtrated i am by the realtionship and how betrayed i feel. leave it at that.

 

 

Bought myself an Alannah Hill suit the other day. matching shoes yesterday when i went shopping with (l). the outfit i bought before i had lunch with dad. It is a gorgeous suit i can wear out to special functions and i could get away with wearing it to work perhaps as well. YAY. It is a pink/brown colour and i love it. It will last me for a while it is a timeless cut and i can mix the skirt and jacket dont necessarily have to wear it all together. all up has cost me about $500. But i rarely buy anything like that, so...... All these chicks saw me with the bag and would stop to enquire about the purchase - she is an expensive designer.....well known. The attention seeking sideof me liked the compliments on the purchase, but part of me frowned on the snobbery, they wouldn't have talked to me otherwise - or am i being pessimistic.

 Saw Xmen 3 the other day at the movies as well. It was ok. Interesting because they all changed sides and yeah, good to see different side to the characters, but not totally amazing. maybe not worth $11. (L) is all excited about her trip to London. can hardly say i am surprised. It is fantastic. Got my pics from Noumea printed. Pretty. Work today and until Wednesday so nothing too exciting to report there. Things have been pretty quiet which has been nice. We are out at Mulgrave tomorrow. I get a taxi to work which is kinda cool. dunno about km money or not for the day....who knows. doesnt really matter. Don't have much else to add. Am pretty happy at the moment.

 

 Oh yeah saw my shrink. See her again in about a month. She wants to see how i put a couple of things into practice so i have a feeling it wont be the last either unfortunately. I really dont want to continue therapy tough, perhaps i should tell her this. I just am at a point where analysing everything only adds (or at least it was before) to my stress. I dont understand what she is looking for to let me go. She says i am doing really well which i fnd patronising as well. How many people come home from practically being raped and then being bullied by their mother who will go so far as to lie and say her own daughter is suicidal and then cut off ties with her. The said daughter has no idea this is the case and is picking up on something and trying to appease the situation only to find this out and feel majorily betrayed. DONT tell me i am doing really WELL. Nothing has changed. Therapy hasnt improved the way the family interacts with each other and it hasnt mad e me see anything i didnt already know about myself. I dont get it.