Rambling

work seemed ok. kept quiet and to myself. just sat down and took calls and did my job. didnt need a team leader all day surprisingly enough. no unlock requests needed all day. I guess part of my problem is boredom and the monotony of the job..... they have been pretty good to me though considering all the fuck ups i have made. i was so new though i had no idea what i was doing. i am not sure if that was not taking in the training or if i am simply slow....i know what i am doing now. I suppose they would monitor me if it was a serious problem and i havent heard anything else. I will be in the bad books for the rest of the week though i suppose. who knows who cares. I think my problem is that i am lonely. all i do is come home to an empty appartment and go to work in the daytime. I dont have any interests at the moment outside of work. my website yes, but it is not helping me meet other people.... i have to say i am not fulfilled in this job. i want a challenge.....i dont want to be on the phones forever. Sorry. i hate to grumble, it is a good job really. I just wish i was doing better but that is the story of my life. Full time work doesnt seem to agree with me to well. Perhaps i do have an attitude problem. I got nice comments in my review though. Perhaps i worry too much and analyse too much. This is not a job I am going to waste tears on if it ends up not working out then fine, I am not going to bang my head against a brick wall and stay in an awful situation unneccessarily. On one hand i like the people, that is ok. It is an important yet very boring job. I seem to be making some friends slowly though. I can get past last nights humiliation. Perhaps i do need to take it on board i still think i should have been told off in private instead of in front of everyone. nevermind. Other than that, my site seems to be doing ok. I may add some stuff to it on the weekend, but for now it is cool. I am happy with the design. It is strange, i was happy the other day but now i feel empty. i miss mum. none of my family has seen me since i got back or vice a versa except for dad. Is that how it is going to be forever, i hope not. I am still very hurt but i miss her and wish things could be alright. I dont feel like i should be apologising though i am not the one making up lies and trying to be controlling, no i am the one who lets her blame me for everything. If i am a freak because i cant give her a granchild then i dont know who she is.

got told off at work in front of everyone last night which was not a very nice feeling. Had a customer call up because they hadnt received a letter to activate pay anyone. explained to him he would need to apply agian because there is no other access to the number. updated the address details and ensured all of that was ok and he ended up wanting to escalate. The TL told me off for being rude to the customer and that i need to watch my tone when i am on the phone blah blah. fair enough but she shouldnt have screamed at me herself in front of everyone. She said she was listening to part of it and my tone was not good and dont bang your mouse,which i wasnt as far as i recall. Guess it will be ok, it just didnt feel very nice. We are busy and get no time between calls to draw breath i am tired and he was already agitated. I didn't understand what i was saying wrong i was trying to help the customer. I asked him if he was receiving statements he said yes. The TL showed me a print out of his address and the start date was 2008. dunno if i did that flustered or if it ws already there, but initially it hadn't been loaded properly which i tried to explain but he just wasnt listeing at that point. He said he wasnt going to complain about me so perhaps i wasnt as bad as i think, but for god sake i dont think being screamed at in front of everyone by the TL is any better. Wasnt my TL at least but she will hear about it and it will be gossip. Keep my head down and mouth shut i suppose hope things are ok. I wasnt deliberately being rude. It gets hard when they are yelling at you themselves though. I wasnt yelling and i certainly didnt realise i was banging things on the desk if i was. Not looking forward to going in today.