Rambling

just read (jess) blog and am feeling slightly depressed and hurt. dont know why i readi it when i have blocked her and (k) from messenger. (kate) is pregnant and (j) has just gotten back from visiting her. I am tired of feeling worthless and like i have nothing to offer in terms of friendship and love and as a person because so far ever time i have put myself on the line i feel shat on and that is how it has made me feel. I finally feel like i am getting things on track, but am i really. Sorry just been knocked for six thats all. I am disappointed and hurt that two people i thought were my friends are still so close and part of me feels jealous i am not a part of that, but i never was. And maybe it is my own fault for accepting and putting up with being treated and used as a third wheel for their escapades and to make up numbers for a night out so they could pick up. My own fault for making allowances simply because i am lonely. But that doesnt give people the right to walk all over me. WHY am i a freak for being shy and quiet and WHY am i a freak because i didnt want to fuck some stupid boy. WHY am i a freak if i dont drink 12 bevvies and get rat faced to vomit stage every weekend. WHY do people think i am not interested in them or is it that I try too hard. WHY do i not know how to be firm in my opinions and recognise when someone is not treating me as an equal. WHY do i allow other peoples needs, views and feelings so much more credence than my own and not fucking realise that that is wrong. ok got most of the venting out and had a bit of a cry feeling sorry for myself. I guess i am not really ready to put myself on the line again. i have tried and been hurt too many times and am really wary and tired from it. I have been hurt too many times. Maybe some of it is my own fault and i need to look at that, doesn't change how much my experiences have hurt.

purchased my domain name. i now need to get myself organised with the finer details of copyright and terms of use before i publish so i dont get myself into trouble. looks like i need a trademark or copyright license or something. will look into that properly tomorrow, because today is a public holiday. my isp has debited from my credit card $25 and can tell me nothing about it so am not too impressed. that again will have to wait until the deduction updates and i can see it on my statement because it is still pending. we seem to have gotten paid a day early as well which is interesting. i need to pay rent as well, don't want to get caught out while i am away and find i have missed it or something. i am getting excited about my holiday. YAY. (L's) man has arrived which she is excited about. missed dinner with them last night as was at work til 11pm. nevermind. but i am soooo excited about getting my website up an running. there really is progress and i can see the time is near. it is anzac day today, which is basically a day we remember the people who have fought in War. anyway, better go.