Apr 25, 2006 at 13:11 o\clock

what is wrong with me

just read (jess) blog and am feeling slightly depressed and hurt. dont know why i readi it when i have blocked her and (k) from messenger. (kate) is pregnant and (j) has just gotten back from visiting her. I am tired of feeling worthless and like i have nothing to offer in terms of friendship and love and as a person because so far ever time i have put myself on the line i feel shat on and that is how it has made me feel. I finally feel like i am getting things on track, but am i really. Sorry just been knocked for six thats all. I am disappointed and hurt that two people i thought were my friends are still so close and part of me feels jealous i am not a part of that, but i never was. And maybe it is my own fault for accepting and putting up with being treated and used as a third wheel for their escapades and to make up numbers for a night out so they could pick up. My own fault for making allowances simply because i am lonely. But that doesnt give people the right to walk all over me. WHY am i a freak for being shy and quiet and WHY am i a freak because i didnt want to fuck some stupid boy. WHY am i a freak if i dont drink 12 bevvies and get rat faced to vomit stage every weekend. WHY do people think i am not interested in them or is it that I try too hard. WHY do i not know how to be firm in my opinions and recognise when someone is not treating me as an equal. WHY do i allow other peoples needs, views and feelings so much more credence than my own and not fucking realise that that is wrong. ok got most of the venting out and had a bit of a cry feeling sorry for myself. I guess i am not really ready to put myself on the line again. i have tried and been hurt too many times and am really wary and tired from it. I have been hurt too many times. Maybe some of it is my own fault and i need to look at that, doesn't change how much my experiences have hurt.

Apr 25, 2006 at 03:55 o\clock

domain name.

purchased my domain name. i now need to get myself organised with the finer details of copyright and terms of use before i publish so i dont get myself into trouble. looks like i need a trademark or copyright license or something. will look into that properly tomorrow, because today is a public holiday. my isp has debited from my credit card $25 and can tell me nothing about it so am not too impressed. that again will have to wait until the deduction updates and i can see it on my statement because it is still pending. we seem to have gotten paid a day early as well which is interesting. i need to pay rent as well, don't want to get caught out while i am away and find i have missed it or something. i am getting excited about my holiday. YAY. (L's) man has arrived which she is excited about. missed dinner with them last night as was at work til 11pm. nevermind. but i am soooo excited about getting my website up an running. there really is progress and i can see the time is near. it is anzac day today, which is basically a day we remember the people who have fought in War. anyway, better go.

Apr 21, 2006 at 13:33 o\clock

feeling stupid

miss my mum. part of me feels like this is just really stupid. i would like to mend the rift. it is i suppose going to take a long time. but part of me knows i am the one being treated like crap here. She went behind my back saying i wanted to commit suicide. she is manipulating conversations to look like i am behaving badly and having a tantrum when i havent and basically hasn't made any effort to pick up a fucking phone.  if that is not a guilty consicence i dunno what is. She is the one who yells and screams she doesn't want me around and yet somehow i am to blame for the fight and it means i hate (t's) daughters because it happened before the eldest and her husband arrived for the afternoon. i am fed up with the games.

sorry need to vent and i don't reallyhave anyone i can talk to at lenght about this because they just would not understand what the experience of my mum is like.

She makes out that i am precious and special to her and yet will walk straight past me and ignore me at the wedding. respond angrily saying she doesn't know what i am talking about and not to play gameswhen i say congratulations about the house and then when i go to get my stuff writes me an email saying oh by the way i am selling the house you better get the rest of your things if you missed anything. She will tell my aunty about it while sitting next to me and yet hasn't actually told me directly herself and somehow this is all my fucking fault. She will then call me after the wedding and ask ME what is going on when she has not had the guts to pick up a phone since i found out about the house and wrote saying congratulations. Maybe i was a little vague but it is a strange reaction.

Not to mention the lie about out argument during her blood test oh i caught a tram, i wanted to call dad i broke the mouse we went for a walk with the dogs and i am awful because i am angry at them for selling the house when i have never even brought it up. Nice cover story. Manipulate the situation and intimidate me because i dont understand. Try explaining that to friends. And by now other family members have to have noticed the rift or that we dont speak anymore.

For a daughter who is supposed to be bloody suicidal these reactions do not make sense from her either. You would not cut out someone like that if you were so distraught that your daughter wanted to kill herself that you went running to her doctor. This woman is nuts. And still i catch myself missing her.

On a brighter note, my holiday is soon. And i caught up with my friend (L) she is excited about her man coming to visit. I didn't go into it much but she brought up the mum situation and it is hard to describe it to her and that made me question the situation a little, but now once i have written this down, i feel renewed validation which is good. I just said to her its hard to describe the experience, but i am fed up with being hurt and feeling like its my fault all the time. Its games and i am sick of it.

On a more exciting note, my site is underway. I seem to making some progress with my enquiries about registering the domain name etc. I will probably finalise this stuff when i get back from my trip once i know every single application i need to make i will be ready to go. Give it two more months and should be up and running properly. I could probably register the names and take down stuff i am worried i need permission to use first such as pics of luna park. But i am getting there. Glad i have some people to share it with. Dad is excited for me. Haven't said much to my brother. (L and K) are excited for me and people at work i have mentioned it to are excited for me as well. So on one hand i suppose things are ok for me at the moment. I feel happier mostly and less stressed and distracted at any rate.

Apr 18, 2006 at 11:55 o\clock

be assertive

dont have a lot else to say. i have decided i am not assertive enough. A friend who had the rudeness to call mea freak for being tired and not wanting to party is now pissed i didnt ask her to go to Boy from Oz with me. For fuck sake. She can be an obnoxious brat sometimes and I honestly think she is a bit of an alcoholic. She polished off a bottle and a half of wine on her own. Don't get me wrong, i like a drink as well, but that when no one else is really drinking is just nuts. Last few nights we have been out together she has chucked at some stage (usually the morning after). And i get sick of her whingeing about being fat when she isn't. At the same time while these things infuriate me, she can be nice and does actually include me in a lot of her things so that is probably why she was miffed about Boy from Oz. But I didn't ask ANYONE to that, which is partly me being used to being alone. Not sure i really ever want to re read some of this diary ever again either............might be too painful. I think i actually had feelings for that bloody prick. I still think about it. About him. Maybe it was just the attention I enjoyed despite knowing it wasnt very nice. I dunno. On a brighter note, i saw March of The Penguins today. The chicks are soooooooo cute. It is a documentary about the life of Penguins. Interestingly enough the parents brave the winter and take it in turns looking after egg, chick and going back and forth to get food. It is quite an effort. Did other boring things like the gorcery shopping although surprisingly enough I always end up forgetting something. This time it was pasta sauce. Picked up my dry cleaning as well. Spent the morning making enquiries about applying for everything i need to get my site up and running, There is just so much information it gets overwhelming and i found it difficult to tell what was and wasn't relevant. Might take a bit longer than a couple of weeks, but fingers crossed it will happen ne.

Apr 15, 2006 at 15:13 o\clock

I love Johnny Depp

sorry lame as title but i am watching TV, he is in the movie and he is hot. Anyways, the main reason I logged on was to write and say MY WEBSITE IS ALMOST DONE. I have done the greeting cards. I have even personalised a greeting for them ie thankyou's etc and basically been proofing th site. My next step is to register the name and apply for a domain name so i can publish it to the web then it's official so i am seeing light at the end of the tunnel. It is probably going to be ready in a week or so. YAY YAY YAY. Anyways enough for now. I am over my monthly usage for my ISP so shouldn't be on for long. I am just excited. Spent the day with my brother and dad today. We went to see his new place. Mum is up to her usual bitchy tricks. She left my makeup bag and stuff at my brothers instead of dropping it off like she was going to. I replied asking for me keyboard but that wasn't there......and I am not going to hound them for it. Gee, she really wants to patch things up huh. That really hurts. But it's just never going to change and my brother never notices. I just want her to be proud of me and accept me.

Apr 9, 2006 at 02:49 o\clock

lazy day

day off finally. it is amazing how tired i get from work. i have done overtime this week though i suppose which has taken alot out of me. working again tomorrow and tuesday. wednesday is off but i go to the session about MBA and management courses......we will see what comes of that. i am excited. Australian Idol auditions are starting again this weekend. part of me would love to so that i know how far i could go the other part of me is too shy......but anyways. not a lot else to write. We didn't end up going out last night because (B) hurt himself apparently. not sure what happened exactly but will find out on Monday I am sure. Not looking like I am going to be going to Batemans Bay for Easter. Perhaps another time later in the year when i have some time. I don't want to go with Dad again although he and my brother are going to go in June or something maybe. Ha. Ok not a lot else to write. I am probably going to go and take some pics of Melbourne today.....even if this site and idea doesnt get off the ground I am having alot of fun simply designing it. Would love to be able to make some money from this idea though and to be able to show what i can do. I din't go to uni for 5 years to answer a phone forever....but patience, it is coming together slowly.

Apr 7, 2006 at 14:17 o\clock

making progress

have pretty much finished my web site. need to register the name and i might even register an ABN for it. How cool would it be to have my own online magazine. Yippee. Have a photogallery and have posted some of my old weblogs - interviews and various pieces i have weblogged on my other blogs ie; movie reviews etc so it seems to be coming together pretty nicely. Supposed to be going out over the weekend for a few drinks. Be nice. It's just with some people from work. My god we have been busy. Hardly a breath in between calls. I forgot again to leave diary comments. Probably got distracted before hitting update or something, but unfortunately another mistake to go in my file. Not letting it worry to much. The lower the care factor the better i seem to do. I have wasted too much of the past being anxious about doing my job well. At the end of the day i am doing my best if they tell me thats not enough then fine. I have other things to focus on and enjoy. The job is not the only thing to focus on and in the past i have over focused on one area perhaps....I am defintiely exhausted though. Exhausted but happy

Apr 1, 2006 at 06:27 o\clock

New Caledonia

well, spur of the moment decision kinda. went to the travel agent today after paying the rent. Got quoted for FIji and New Caledonia so am pretty excited. Am staying in a beautiful area of Noumea. I should probably practice some old french...wonder how much i remember from highschool days......other than that. Grand Prix is on and i can actually hear the cars from my building very faintly. Have a three day weekend woohoo. Not much else to say. The trip has cost me 2000 including insurance. I have 8 nights in the heart of New Caledonia. bring on the beach, classy shops and cafes, french..... today is April Fools day or should i say was. my opportunity for practical jokes ended at midday (thats just the custom, dunno why). It is also the end of Daylight Savings. Clocks back an hour tonight. more later.