Rambling

dads birthday on the 3rd of April. mine on the 7th of May i am looking into going to Perth or perhaps Fiji or New Caledonia for about 8 days or so. I am probably going to sound horrible but i want to do something that is going to make me happy and being with family just aint gunna cut it at the moment. Haven't heard from dad in a while. I should ring him for his birthday probably can have lunch with him if i have the day off, which will be alright. Have a party to go to on Friday for a girl who is transferring out to mulgrave offices and then out again on saturday night. Feels good having a little bit of a social life and actually being able to concentrate on getting that side of things together. I never realised how shy i was and JUST how much that has impacted on things. Going to a seminar about management courses at work in mid april which could be interesting. not a lot else to say at the moment. better log off as i am actually around 75 percent of my broadband account usage and have two weeks before the next month starts so probably will be using the work pc a bit and easing off this. dowloading photos for about 2hrs used up a lot.......but anyways. write more later.

went to mums place in blackburn to pick up some stuff. couldn't find the makeup case she was talking about. i guess i will get it eventually. got my rollerblades and ice skates though and my dinner set that i asked my brother for weeks ago. It is never going to change and i wish sooo much that it would. my brother is getting help from (r) to move. mums way of stopping dad from helping probably. why does she have to play everyone against each other simply so SHE is the fucking centre of attention. It is alright for her to wlak past me in the toilets and forget to tell me she is selling, lie to the rest of the family and my therapist, insult me and yet i am the bitch for getting hurt and fed up. whatever i do, i am a bitch and awful daughter and whatever she does she is an awful mother. i wish she would stop it. It would be on a par with me telling dad, matt, all our neighbours and everyone else that i am moving interstate or overseas again and then not telling mum. Maybe then she might just get it. Anyways, not a lot else to write. work today. i have this weekend off which is good. be nice to have my first weekend off in ages. Anyways not a lot else to write. got to see (k)'s new place last night and watched the Commonwealth Games closing ceremony. It was pretty good. Other than that, pretty boring. I need to take up a hobby so i can meet people. maybe even hockey agian.....dunno, but i fully intend to go blading along the esplanade on the weekend. even if it is by myself. it has been ages since i did that. i didn't bother getting my wrist guards though which maybe i should have......i don't really need them though. I do need a helmet. (K) has taken up dancing, sounds fun but really not something i would see myself doing. Well, don't have a lot else to write so will call it a night. i have uploaded a pic of my cousins wedding and also (j and mum and t and the new baby).

(j and r) had a baby boy. Mum texted me and sent me an email of the baby. NIce of her to pick up the phone. They will have called everyone else. Oh well, sent (j and r) a card to congratulate them. It is great news for them and i wish them well. the baby is so tiny. funny. i didnt even get a call for this one and when my cousin who we NEVER see had his baby i went with them to the hospital to see it. The picture is beautiful. he is soooo tiny.

Had a heads up today that the performance review is coming. My team leader told me not to get too disappointed so i am guessing it is not all great. i did have a rough patch and my stats got left logged in overnight which blew me out. i have failed some calls and made a few mistakes as you know.......it probably is not all bad but she said how i go between now and april will determine if i get a pay rise so it is probably borderline ok. i dunno and it is not worth getting too upset over. if i need help or something then i need it. i was majorly stressed about other stuff which thankfully is not cluttering my focus at the moment and my stats are improving quite a lot. She even said she has noticed an improvement so....we will see. Hope it isn't too shattering. I will find out soon enough though......i am at least meeting the kras now even if i wasnt for a while before, and i did ok in retail so fingers crossed it isn't a disaster. I am actually not to panicky just want it to be ok. comments telling me not to get disheartened though is not very encouraging. still, cross that bridge when it happens. i know i have made pretty sill fuck ups which were unfortunately quite big. yet my admin sill for the securemail had been upgraded, i am taking wholesale calls, so must be relatively ok. wouldnt get that if there was a BIG problem.

ok weird. wouldn't let me edit my last entry, but nevermind. i was just going to say that work, fingers crossed, seems ok. i am enjoying getting to know the people there. am uploading some pics at the moment.....my memory cards need deleting, so at least this way i have them stored somewhere and can copy onto a cd later if i want and it will make printing easier. i actually wrote an entry on Turners Syndrome the other week. it was good, kind of therapeutic for me to write. maybe i have had trouble dealing with it in the past. i need to move on from that and certain things i dont know who's fault if it is anyones but it just make it too hard to focus on moving forward and establishing myself. i somehow always had the feeling i needed to make a choice.

Anyways, continuing this from the work free use computer. That way i don't eat up my Internet Usage for the month. I can see me going over my 200mb limit....it actually isn't a lot when you think about it. I spend a lot of time on the net. I guess some of it is from installing software and uploading around 100 photos the other day. So I shouldn't really be surprised I guess.

It is expensive though and for pittance time of usage.

Had a call from Grandma last night. Dad was apparently talking about taking us up there in June....I was actually going to catch the bus up in April as a surprise, but not so sure now. No need to worry about how the rest of the family takes it, but i can't see it going down well. Who cares though. I was so exhausted and frustrated last time. Funny people just expected me to be with it and ok and normal when i got back and did not make any allowance for recovery or really give me any time for this. None of them have even talked about what happened with me. Guess it's too horrible for them to want to know. I wish they would accept me.

sorry to keep harping, its hard not to let it get to me sometimes. Me pointing out how frustrated this stuff makes me only exacerbates the situation. I am just tired of feeling as if my mere presence is offensive to people. Why do i get blamed for everything and why then in the past have i accepted the blame and not noticed or simply made allowances for it.

Need to pick some of my things up from mums place soon. My brother is moving to Northcote. About a week or so. I was going to go voer today but roads are closed for the marathon. Perhaps next weekend would be best. I have Sunday off. Will call him and let him know.

well, finally got my own laptop so i can sit and write or upload photos and stuff as long as i like and when i like. very pleased with that. had a bit of trouble with the modem initially, but it's all good now as i am writing online in my apartment. not really a lot of news to tell. i guess part of my reason for buying this is to get things rolling with my little venture. it is going to take some time though, but it would be awesome to get some cash for the creative stuff i enjoy doing. my brother is moving to northcote at the end of the month. had a message from him on my home phone - his email bounced back. was great to hear his voice though. i called him last night and then 15 minutes later had a weird call from mum asking me why i wasn't talking to her and again telling me not to play games. i really did not want to get into it over the phone and she would have twisted or misinterpreted what i said anyway so i didn't bother. Her attitude is strange considering she walked past me in the toilets, knows full well she hasn't bothered to tell me directly that she is selling the house and went to my fucking shrink to tell her i was suicidal. Yet I'm the one playing games. Go figure. It as if she thinks insulting me and hurting me is ok and expects me not to react to it and allow it.  I just don't get her.The Commonwealth Games are in Melbourne at the moment which is exciting. the swimming of course is popular. i am working tomorrow at 7am and am a little concerned about how i will get to work as the roads are going to be closed for the marathon this weekend.....i will figure it out though i am sure. taxi if it comes to the worst.

am considering going into business for myself......i have a package coming to me about setting up a business from work.  the idea is stemming from my selling greeting cards and stuff at markets.....i am going to make a website. might even include a newsletter as well with bits and pieces i will write. but it will primarily be for the prieviewing of greeting cards and stuff and to place orders......there is probably a lot for me to consider first and i need to get myself a computer which i am going to do within the next month hopefully. i know i have written about this before, but i am starting to finally get pieces for the idea together. Probably my first market trip is a couple of months away. YAY. I have been printing stuff off on various formats of paper and some of it has come up pretty good. need the computer though to do the greeting cards.....I just want something to let out the creative juices that's all and it would be good to make some money from it as well.

I have decided there is not a lot i can do about the family situation. It is a shame and i really wish things were different, but i will not keep putting myself though being hurt by mum. She is making herself very clear and telling me basically she is not interested in being part of my life and does not want me to be part of hers. At least that is how i feel by the behaviour and treatment anyway. Perhaps one day it will change. That isn't going to happen anytime soon though. I just wish i had a little bit more support behind me than (k and l). 

 

feels like mum is getting herself in the middle of crap again. my brother wrote back saying 'mum can still get some tickets if you want to let her know'. dont bloody use my brother as a fucking go between. stupid bitch.

i have no idea when (j's) baby is being born or anything or if it even has and considering we ignored each other at the wedding and she even walked straight past me. bloody hell.

i don't need this crap. how can she be that insensitive.

other than that i had a pretty fun day with (L). she is all excited about her man coming to visit. it is quite exciting to have someone come half way around the world for you.  (hopefully not just for sex - although that seems quite an extreme effort to go to for sex...) sorry, it is great and i am happy for her.

 

my brother is going to the boxing with a friend instead. he didn't even bother to wait for a response from me.

i really don't understand this anymore. i am fed up with things being so difficult. he hasn't seen my place. invites me somewhere and then bloody goes with someone else - he emails me to ask me and probably called his friend to invite him. what i am also upset about is that part of this i mum bloody lying to him about me. i just want my family to be happy. i miss them, the longer this silent crap continues the more hurt i am. Neither of us made any effort to talk to each other much though at my cousins wedding. They left before the bride.

god, my wedding when and if the day comes, is certainly going to be interesting.....

i will get with things i guess. part of me isn't interested in seeing my brothers new place. why should i when he hasn't come to see mine. that is awful though, but i don't see the point. he isn't interested in spending time with me.

hmmm, not proud of myself, but there you have it. we didn't speak at the wedding hardly.   I let things get the better of me a little bit. I was seated on another table for the reception which was a good thing. it wouldn't have been pleasant being on the same table.....

apart from that though it was a lovely wedding. I met some interesting people on my table and it was a great day.  

The baby is due any day.  My brother has tickets to the boxing which mum bought - he invited me to go if i want, which was nice. I do want to know my brother. The relationship with my mother seems irreprable unfortunately and i wish it was oherwise, but she sat there and told my aunty right in front of me the whole story ' i told (my brother) ages ago. i soke to a financial adviser and  was advised to sell and put the money into superannuation before I retire......blah blah. His housemates have moved out. And she simply says to me " oh, I found your makeup case i bought you and....(a few other items)". BITCH. How insensitive is that when it is the first time i have heard it FROM HER.

Guess it lets me know where i stand......just get on with my life and be myself.  Maybe one day she will accept me whether i can fucking have a baby or not.

i probably sound really selfish, but it hurt. she even walked past me in the toilets without saying a word. We may as well have been strangers. I didn't let her kiss me goodbye or drive me home despite repeated offers. sat together during the ceremony and had a photo together and that was it. I just want her to be happy and i wanted to be part of her life. she is my mum for god sake.

I tried not to let it spoil my night though. The bride and groom were wonderful and seemed very happy and it was actually reallly nice to see my aunty (s) and uncle (s) again.

 

tomorrow is my cousins wedding. have checked how to get to the venues by public transport.  not had contact from mum about getting there, not that i would have accepted a lift if she had offered. It is going to be strange to see her. I know she iwll act 'normal' and pretend i am imagining things and 'in my own little world' where it's 'all in my head' crap. I will be civil but that is it. I am not going to go out of my way.  She is annoyed i got invited and my brother didn't.  I just can't be around her. I don't know how to talk to her. She blocks everything i say and always seems to interpret it completely the wrong way.

(T's) daughter (j) came over last night to get her bicycle back. The baby is due this week. may even come tomorrow. how would that be. Exciting for her. Got to feel it kicking last night as well and the baby has moved into position so it must be any moment practically.

Had lunch with dad yesterday as well which was ok. saw the movie 'walk the line' which is about Johnny Cash. was interesting.

(L)'s boy (m) that she met in Antarctica is coming over in april which should be interesting.....am a little envious in a way. i can understand why she is swept up in it all. it is romantic and the romantic in me hopes things work out.

 

lame title, but i had to put something.  bought tickets to The Boy From Oz, it is a stage production. Hugh Jackman is playing Peter Allen. should be good. i like Hugh Jackman.  It is in August. 

My cousins wedding is next Thursday......going to see mum for the first time in ages.....that is going to be tough, but there will be other people to talk to so hopefully things don't get out of hand.

Have the next three days off which is kinda cool. looking forward to the rest. I am still recovering from working the 6 days straight. It does take a lot out of you especially since we were busy with hoaxes.

Not a lot planned for the weekend. Will probably go to the gym as i feel i am porking up a bit which is not good. getting a little lazy and enjoying my food too much. Not a major deal but i should exercise to be healthy and i am not doing a lot at the moment.

Other than that. I might actually get started on this book i plan to write. I need a medical dictionary first. Funny i can't find the particular one with the definition i remember reading. i wanted to use it in the piece that i write.

anyway enough for now.