Rambling

going to Queensland with (L). No news as to whether or not (t) is ok. Fuck i am fed up with this stuff. I have no idea why i am treated like an outcast, yet i seem to cause offence by my mere existence and that is just ridiculous. Mum has not bothered to pick up a phone (then again i haven't either....but for fuck sake if someone is sick then her sending an email to notify is weird you would expect a phone call if it was serious). Why do i feel like i am being dis-owned. 

Anyways,  am glad to be going to QLD. will be great. Haven't been there in years so to see movie world and sea world again will be cool. Nice to go with someone....and share the experience. I am not going to worry and agonise. Just relax and have fun and get myself on track....

Anyways better get going, am on a break at work now. Hopefully my entries get a little cheerier from now on. I am actually thinking of writing a book.  

 

had an email from mum saying that (t) was in hospital. Wrote back.  i would have gotten a phone call if he hadn't been.....she still hasn't had the guts to talk to me about the house.

I have very serious conversations with my friends......according to my shrink. Maybe there are just some things i dont have anything to add, especially when the topic is sex.

I need to focus at work though more importantly because i have made a few sill mistrakes from being distracted and it is startying to mount up...which doesn't look good when i get a review.....This month especially has been crap. failed calls,2 crn transfers, forgetting to log out, forgetting to go to lunch.....i reset a password for a beneficiary when i shouldn't have and I have one linkage error. I really need to lift my game.....because i at least wont to stay the year. Can't see me staying any more than that though. On the other hand my stats do seem to be improving.....which is a good thing, so there is a mix of good and bad there. Take it a day at a time.

(K) has invited me speed dating with her in feb which could be cool. Am a little nervous though because the point is to meet men, we wont be mingling together the whole night. This is probably not going to be easy for me....

But anyways......not a lot else to add at this stage.

Went to St Kilda today which was pretty enjoyable. Just had a walk along the beach and enjoyed the scenery and beautiful weather. Took some pics which i plan to print. Had lunch with (L) yesterday, or should i say afternoon tea - we met up at 4 and had coffee and looked at the shops. She seems happy, still glowing from the trip to Antarctica. Sounds like she had a blast. I haven't been doing a lot. Just watching dvds, reading, relaxing, went and paid rent and some bills. Did some shopping, went to the gym. Ordinary, boring stuff. Had lunch in the city. Been to my favourite little ol Internet Cafe to do some web surfing.......

I have had three days off work which has been nice. I guess the rest might get easier with time and if it doesn't then it's not worth wasting my life agonising over. Part of me would still love to head interstate, but i think i need to stick this out for a while first before i uproot again. I need a little stability and peace for a while.

 

OK. That anxiety was a little bit much.....

Still have not heard from my mum, brother or dad since i had lunch with him......this is not even worth the energy it really isn't. I have every right to move on with my life. They can accept me or not.

On the plus side. Went out Sat night which was actually pretty enjoyable. One things is puzzling me though. "I don't have normal conversations with my friends..." I still don't understand what my shrink meant by that.....

I am doing my darndest to get on top of things and am just fed up with feeling swamped by stress.

I am afraid of my mother.Afraid of expressing opinions in front of her and fed up with feeling like I can't have a conversation with her.

Part of me resents having to go to see a shrink. The other part of me is greatful to be getting a supportive ear for my perspective for ONCE.  She's interesting in how she coaxes out of you whether or not you are attributing blame etc....Seems to have quite a skill at generating a reaction that will indicate exactly what she whe is 'checking' for. You don't notice it sometimes. 

I am still reeling from the fact my mother read this and bloody took it to her behind my back and now she is selling and accuses me of playing games.

Anyway. Sorry. more of the same old crap. 

Bought my cousins wedding present today. Some towels and stuff from Sheridan at David Jones that were on the registry.

Am going to go to the beach tomorrow and get some pictures to print off. Need to fix up rent as well before i get stuck with shifts on my roster that mean I have no time left to pay.  Spent today watching some DVD's as well.

Was interesting listening to one of my friends talking about hanging out at a shopping centre with a group of kids when she was in high school.....just a general comment. and yet it hit me I never really had a lot of that. I really was pretty shy and confused and felt like a friek when I was diagnosed for turners. But on the other hand it hasn't stopped me. I have lead a pretty full and colourful life so far. What doesn't hurt me can only make me stronger I suppose.

Am going to see the Lion King at the Regent Theatre next Wednesday as well which I am looking forward to. So things aren't all bad.

 

 

I am scared there is something wrong with me......

had a bad day at work yesterday - some really flat monitoring yesterday. Made a crn transfer mistake today - rectified straight away but still doesn't look good......Ended up needing time off the phones because i just burst into tears. I couldn't bare being told i am not cutting it here and having to start again. Don't think I would get over that hurdle in a hurry.

I am now concerned i might have bi polar - maybe i am being hypochondriac, but......I do seem to let my family problems preoccupy me.....hard when i feel hurt. I am also never quite sure if my shrink is on my side or not. She seems to be encouraging me and brought up my low self esteem, but what if it's more than that....

Is it me complicating things or is it the situation i have had with mum that has contributed and i am just not sure how to make an opinion. One thing for sure, I am scared to express one in front of her because i don't want it dismissed or laughed at or belittled.

Chin up though chicky. try not to dwell it might be hard, but try and have fun with (k and the others) tonight. Don't let it spoil the night out.

It is time to get the ball roling for ME. I am getting thingson track. Boxing, Japanese......

Mum going to my shrink telling her i was suicidal at the least is totally off base. I haven't confronted her with it though.

This problem where i fixate on this stuff and it stops me focusing and concentrating on other things is a problem. All i could fixate on in Japan was (t and j) all i could fixate on the first time was why I wasn't told about my crap performance.

I don't know if i am normal or if i have every right to be offended by the way i was treated when i got home after this 2nd trip to Japan and what's happened since.

My shrink was telling me I am too easily manipulated, wants me to avoid mum.....i wish i knew how to take some of this. Most of all though I am missing my brother. I don't feel manic though and like i have extreme ups and extreme lows. Maybe i am wrong though. Surely I would know by now after the amount of sessions i have had. My shrink has read diary after diary and we have had session after session.....Her response is to tell me to avoid mum.

 

Haven't hard anything from mum about the house yet.....don't suppose i should give it a thought. It has only confirmed we have a terrible unhealthy relationship. If she didn't want to tell me that's her business. yes i am hurt about being excluded but it really isnt something that has a lot of impact on me or my life and it is hers to do with what she wants. Not even worth the energy of getting upset in all honesty. It's more pathetic that she didn't tell me and really shows me how devious selfish and insecure she is.

Anyways, the tennis was fun. It's been a long but pretty enjoyable day. Got to see some great players. I worked there a few years back. Found the hours tough there, it is definitely better being a customer or patron.

Not a lot else to say. Feeling a little burnt. I'll get over it though i suppose.

found out from dad's wife that my mother is selling her house. We all had dinner on fucking friday for my brothers birthday and they said nothing. That is the last straw. I really do not want to see her.

I have a right not to have to put up with this emotional crap and her being a manipulative bitch. I am upset at being excluded from this and yet i somehow have a feeling that perhaps this is what i was supposedly pissed off about whilst she was waiting for her blood test results. "i don't want you here while your being like this' which at the time did not make any sense. I simply wanted her butting out of me and dad's relationship.

Jesus Christ. The woman is nuts. If it isn't going to change then I will not continue to put myself in the firing line. I am fed up with having this thrown back in my face.

I simply wanted to keep my parental relationships separate and her fucking response is to tell me i am nuts and then put words in my mouth to the rest of the family that i am upset about the house and never want to talk about it again which is rubbish.

Because ooh i blew up at my mother  (a mother who i have an instinct is running around to immediate family saying i am anxious because i have to move and she is selling the house and keeping it secret.(the irony is she actuall did end up keeping it secret...i had no idea and yet somehow it is coming across as if i did).

No help or assistance for (b) because she's an awful daughter and can't handle her mum selling the house. Her writing to dad was a deliberate attempt to cause trouble. Ambiguosly worded on purpose. 

You know what, all she has said to me from the minute i got in the door was 'i don't want you here if your being like this" and i had no idea wht she meant at the time.  But is it possible that she was referring in some nutty way to her impression i was pissed off about them selling the house. It is like we are on completely different pages.

It is like she wants to pitt people against each other. me against (t) and dad and my brother so that everyone is always pissed off with each other and never HER. Why did she not tell me. Why the secrecy. Why does she hate me so much.  Bloody conspiracy theories....if i do bring it up she will respond by telling me i already knew. 

It is like she has manipulated this whole thing and that that is what i supposedly blew up at her about while she had her blood test which is utter crap.

I considered how and when to tell them when i was moving. I have always considered them WHERE the hell is any kind of consideration for my feelings. WHY am i constantly dismissed as insignificant. I was almost sick when i found out. For god sake. All i did was get off a plane and wonder why dad seemed upset when we went away.

HOW DARE SHE TELL ME I HAVE A FUCKING MENTAL ILLNESS FOR WANTING HER TO BUTT OUT>  and then even after my meeting with her and the shrink she picks on me for my feelings that i brought up there as well. When (t) asks if i am eating ok she responds by saying oh, just as well i'm not asking her because then i'd be accused of interferring...hahaha.  Why does she want to hurt me.  I am not worthless or stupid and i deserve to be treated with respect and she DOES NOT treat me with any.

I refuse to subject myself to this. If she can't accept me for who i am and isn't interested and wants to tell the whole family I am non communicative when all i ever hear when i do open my mouth is your crazy your in your own little world. Is it any wonder I don;t want to talk to her. The fucked up thing is i still go out of my way for her.  Yet when i moved she was not even going to come and see the place. How are you fucking getting home.

 

 

 

 

had a curious thought last night - mum had a fight with her brother over nannas house when she died of cancer - he had wanted to sell it. Poppy went to a nursing home.  Her waiting for the blood test results was maybe almost like reliving it if I am gaging the atmosphere at the moment. She has no relationship with her brother and mine makes fuck all effort with me. Just from what i am gaging i have a feeling it's like she is making me her. All of a sudden mum is sick with cancer (no it wasnt cancer and she wasnt dying in the end) and I am upset that she is selling her house....no nothing could have been further from it. Might sound a little odd to write, but you have to be there to understand perhaps.

Another memory is that she has always said she married dad to escape. Well I feel exaclty the same way. I cannot continue to keep putting myself through so much hurt if the situation isn't going to change.....

Why is it OK for her to bitch about me and put words in my mouth that I have never said, which also causes other family members hurt and then I GET THE BLAME for it.....Just ONCE it would be nice for someone to take my side. Her feelings and emotions have ALWAYS taken precedence.

Still feeling like moving interstate. At least that way I would be further away from it.

Wrote an entry last night which somehow seems to have disappeared. Can't quite remeber what I wrote exactly. It was about not wanting to become my mother....If she is bullying I don't want to do the same thing but she is so hard to get away from. I join a gym, and she did at the same time as well. I used to be in a choir during high school and now all of a sudden she is joining a choir, but......

I hate the fact that it has consumed so much of my time. It is exhausting having to pre empt.

the family birthdays are this month as well. I hate the fact that the family thinks i am a fucking friek. That really hurts. Maybe if they would stop dismissing me and....sorry.

I just don't know what is real anymore. I don't want to see any of my family because I am soooo fed up of this. At least I had some peace in Japan. I don't need to spend time with people who are rude or don't like me. I am discussed at length by my family and not in a nice way. I don't treat them like it and I don't want to be treated like it.

NO rational person would have even apologised for (wanting mum to butt out of my relationship with dad). And yet I feel guilty. What the hell for.

Similarly, what kind of person would have put up with (t and j's) treatment for so long. I should have said something to (S) after the bloody game of RISK. No one would ave passed that behaviour off. It was wrong no matter how fucking drunk they were. I dunno, I just want peace and to be happy and I never seem able to be when I am around my family. I have a need for that support because I don't have a huge group of friends, but it doesn't mean they are giving me any support emotionally and they aren't. I am sick of being picked on and dismissed for the way i feel and being accused of saying things that I never said. I have never accused mum of bloody neglect.  I really feel nuts and since the family keeps telling me I am then.......

My shrink even seems to be getting bored with me. I really don't know what to make of my appointments because she doesn't want to see me very much anymore and keeps saying she is glad I am away from the situation. Maybe I just need to stop trying so hard I dunno. Maybe I shouldn't have read the book, because it has just made me angrier with mum. I also feel cheated out of my younger years having to deal with so much other baggage and crap going on.

On a brighter note, I am getting my photos idea underway. Printing is going slowly but well. I am making friends at work. It is nice not being in a forced social situation where I have no other options of people to socialise with.

 

another one...

 

Your Superhero Name is The Purple Guardsman
Your Superpower is Nanotechnology
Your Weakness is Ants
Your Weapon is Your Gas Rifle
Your Mode of Transportation is Camel

 

Your Superhero Profile

Your Superhero Name is The Purple Guardsman
Your Superpower is Nanotechnology
Your Weakness is Ants
Your Weapon is Your Gas Rifle
Your Mode of Transportation iYour Superhero Name is The Purple Guardsman
Your Superpower is Nanotechnology
Your Weakness is Ants
Your Weapon is Your Gas Rifle
Your Mode of Transportation is Camels Camel

http://www.blogthings.com/whatdoesyourbirthdatemeanquiz/

 

Interesting....taken from a quiz, use link above if you like....

 

                                   7th May

You are an island. You don't need anyone else to make you happy.
And though you see yourself as a loner, people are drawn to you.
Deep and sensitive, you tend to impress others with your insights.
You also tend to be psychic - so listen to that inner voice!

Your strength: Your self sufficiency

Your weakness: You despise authority

Your power color: Maroon

Your power symbol: Hammer

Your power month: July

 

 

Had an overwhelming desire to uproot and move interstate yesterday. Similar to the feeling of wanting (needing) to go overseas. I was glad to get away from the family and I know it sounds horrible, but there is just too much emotional pain and it gets too hard. I lived in another country where I learnt the language travelled on my own and experienced a totally new culture and come home and it's the same emotional crap and frustrations again. I always feel like i am going mad and the fact my mother keeps telling me I am doesn't improve the situation.

I said nothing wrong. No rational person would have felt it necessary to apologise. There is nothing wrong with wanting to keep my relationship with my parents separate and since they cant be mature there is nothing wrong with me wanting mum to stop sticking her nose in. HOW DARE she and THEN fucking tell me I am mental because I am hurt at him taking it out on me. WHY the hell am I aplogising when I haven't done anything wrong.  I know I have said it all before but she is making assumptions as well and doing exactly what she TELLS me NOT to do because oooh "I'm not doing anything" and I can't now try talking to dad about this because its just going to make things worse.

The other thing is, if the relationship is abusive what the hell must nanna have been like and I sure as hell DO NOT want to end up the same but she is impossible to get away from - even when I am in another god damn country.....arghh.  Really need to start leaving the baggage behind but it is like she wants to torture us and if she actually KNOWS or REALISES what she is doing then I don't want to see her anymore because it just isn't going to change.

Maybe it's brewed for so long because I had a need - they are my parents, so I put up with it when I shouldn't have and it really is taking it's toll.....i don't know.

I have the right not to be patronised and have my feelings made fun of and totally disregarded and be undermined. To be free from these what I can only describe as toxic relationships. If that means not seeing much of may family so be it. Might be hard to accept, but if it is the cause for so much of my distress then it reallyisn't worth the agony to me at the moment....I don't deserve it. I dont slag mum off to the rest of the family. I have never accused her of neglect and i wish she would stop saying that I DO. I respect her opinions. She undermines me, denies my perceptions repeatedly and just doesn't seem to get why I respond negatively to being repeatedly dismissed and made fun of for my feelings and not liking her interfering. AND then say she isn't upset when she really is. ARGHHHH.

I wish I could stop harping about it, but it's difficult. I have alot of hurt built up from mum AND dad and I am sick of their guilt and other crap getting in the way of them seeing who I am. He denies my perspective as well which was just as hurtful and considering what I was upset about that at the moment is pretty inexcusable.

I guess I  need to accept maybe I am damaged, I certainly haven't had things especially easy. I make the same mistakes in my friendships or acquaintances, which is something I am starting to notice. Again, any time something happened in a friendship mum would always take there side and never validate my experience of what went wrong she was always oh well theres somehting wrong with you pretty much....need to stop writing because I am only going to upset myself more if i continue probably......

 

 

Bought a book about emotionally/verbally abusive relationships the other day which has proved interesting reading. I seem to fit the description here and my therapists reactions and comments seem to be confirming this.

How is my self worth so low that I let this happen.  The woman (my mother is.....words cannot describe). Anything I do - buying her a birthday card means I am trying to show up my brother for not getting her anything. Is it not perfectly reasonable to be upset at getting left out of the birthday initially. Not that I made a big scene about it because it worked out ok. But if I had said anything then mum wouldn't have wanted to hear it and the same stuff all over again.

She slags me off to the rest of the family saying things that I have never even said or verbalized and yet I am feeling guilty. I should be annoyed. I don't do it to her. I deserve the same respect. My opinion may have been offensive that does not mean it wasn't valid and real. Would a rational person feel guilty?

It is like I can't get away from her. Join a gym and she does the same thing. Hair cuts, she has joined a choir (I did this whilst in school). It gets too hard to tell who is copying who though......Every conversation out of my mouth I have to consider how she is going to twist it. This is exhausting and up until now I have though totally NORMAL. It isn't is it.....

 

Last night wasn't as bad as I built it up to be. Things seem to be calming down. Maybe not perfect with mum yet but I am getting along much better with my brother and (t).

Did not let mum put words in my mouth about not getting a phone call for dinner. It was by all means a pleasant night. Things seem to be getting easier which is good.

All the 'noise' or confusion seems to be subsiding. I am not a punching bag for the rest of the families problems and I need to look after my feelings and needs. If i don't like the way I get treated. For example - how would dad's wife like it if i sat there and constantly niggled at her about her bad back, the fact she hates his family (she ignored my uncle and aunty when they came to the door as well and never sees any of his family or speaks to them) and all her problems and yet she has the nerve to one second pick on me for being frieked out about going to a shrink, crashing a car and not having kids, laugh at me for almost being raped and then the next minute expects me to help her choose a fucking mobile phone. FUCK she is a bitch and my father not only told me i was a nut when i pointed this out, he clapped her when she was giving me the fucking grand tour of the bloody house which I have seen several times previously. AND I am the only one with the problem. OK then. Am I not alowed to be angry about that and then my father will not hear a word of it because she is his darling wife. ARGHHHH.

Sorry, it just infuriates me every time I think of it. Interesting thing is she wonders why people just ignore her - hmmm maybe it's because you are a fucking rude bitch. I am not talking much because I am sick of being insulted by her. What I am finding strange is how I have never noticed it to this extent before.

I have the next two days off (well, doing overtime tomorrow for four hours but...) which I am looking forward to. Again, sorry not a more pleasant entry.

 

Dinner for mum's birthday tonight. My brother called her to take her out, she invited me. He was supposed to have called me. I know she is putting words in my mouth. I will be pissed off at him because he didn't call me. NO. He doesn't need to because she will do it for him for god sake.It is never going to change....

She is a possesive attention seeking control friek and I am tired of it and her and just wish things could be different between us but they never are....I can't keep trying to tell her the same thing. I just hate feeling isolated from the rest of the family because she wants all the attention and doesn't like it when i try and be attentive to someone else. I am never going to be happy in this family if it continues......

Anyways, (t's) birthday is on the 9th as well and then my brother's on the 13th.

I will simply be my usual silent overpowered puppet self. Damn it and Damn her. I know that's not the nicest comment, but I can't help it. I am so frustrated by the apathy i feel from this family.

Need to go tonight with a positive attitude tonight though. Push it aside, she doesn't like the slightest criticism oh hell no, becuase oooooh she's not a good mother. Grow Up for fuck sake. But maybe I need to take some of my own advice ne. I feel like I go out of my way and all I ever receive is rejection.

I genuinely want her to have a good birthday, but I am pretty hurt at the moment.