Rambling

I really do keep going around in circles and i guess what upset me this weekend is just realising it is NEVER going to change no matter how hard i try. I hate the fact that it seems to be adversely effecting me emotionally as well though. However my psychiatrist seems to disagree about that, so maybe.......

It's easier to ignore now that I am away from the constantness of it, but i guess certain perceptions are just never going to change. Time will tell I suppose. I need to focus on what i want to achieve for success though. I am considering something - I will start small at first (ie; weekend markets) and see how i go selling the product - i am going to try making my own greeting/post cards. I need a computer and printer for my digicamera first and a computer. So it may take some time. I have started taking photos of Melbourne's sites so we will see how i go. I am not going to tell anyone until I am ready to go to my first market and see how i go. If muhummed wont come to the mountain so to speak, then i need to bring the mountaint to muhummed. (don't know if i spelt that correctly......) <:  but I am sure you get the gist. Will keep you posted on how i go with it.

It is mum's birthday Tuesday. I have a card for her, I will ask her if there is anything nice she wants to do for her birthday. I am sure she and (t) will have something nice to do for the birthday. It is frustrating. I am trying to prevent whatever I do to play into things and it still doesn't seem to work. Mum and (f) seem to keep trying to bait me. 'you might have something' and then 'how dare you say that'. I feel like I can't win and wish at times they would just fuck off.

Dad only listens to his wife's perception and gets pissed off with me for nothing, i get upset. Mum interferes I get pissed off with her, she doesn't accept my reasons because "i'm a good mum". Bloody hell. If I say to dad that mum drove me home - he seems to take it as if i am having a go at hime because he wont drive me. Youn know what that is his own guilty conscience not crap I have ever said. I wish they would stop assuming I am blaming them for everything and just jets get on with things. Maybe they need to face up to the fact I HAVE had a fair bit of crap to put up with. I am simply fed up with everything being a struggle. Mum is always - do it my way or your on your own. dad is always 'they want money' and his wife is always oh they only talk to you if they want money....for fuck sake GROW UP. It's funny I feel perfectly well adjusted when i am not around the family and yet absolutely nuts when i am with the family. Not wanting to spend christmas with them is a problem.

It's weird because I love my mother. I love my father I just wish things wern't so complicated. But I do not need to sit and put up with dad's wife being a bitch about me crashing mums car years ago, picking on me being on tablets and telling me i am crazy and asking me if i hear things and basically laughing at me because I can't have kids and still trying to bait me by talking nastily about my brother when dad is not around. I DO NOT NEED TO ASSOCIATE with her and whilst i am upset at the moment. I need to stop letting it get to me. It's their loss, not mine and I know within myself these opinions and shit is exactly that. But god it hurts.

What made me even angrier is the fact that her sisters daughter got raped, which I am sure was a shock to all the family - i don't think people sat there and laughed at her for it and picked on her (ie; like i was). All this extra crap that gets put onto me. But how am I letting it happen. ARGHHHH

The break from my shrink has been good. We will probably have some new things to talk about at least rather than rehashing the same crap session after session.

Anyways, better go. Sorry it's not more entertaining/happier reading.