Boxing Day and Beyond
Had lunch with dad and his wife yesterday and my brother. Christmas lunch was with mum and (t). I really don't think i am going to cope if the dynamic doesn't change, although there seems to be a slight shift. Dad's wife is still an insulting bitch though but I am doing my best to ignore her and not let it get to me. It really shouldn't upset me, i have no more desire to see her than she obviously does me. It just hurts that she seems to be doing whatever she can to shut us out of facets of dads life. He has beautiful grandchildren and i would love nothing more than to be able to share that with him and be able to just be happy for him but all her crap makes it impossibe. She is only nice when it suits her and then sits there and insults me and he just either doesn't notice or doesn't care. I only talk to them when i want money oh alright fine. Be like it. I am beyond even wanting to try and change their perception because i came to the realisation today - it just aint going to happen. It might suck it might be unfair but there is nothing i can do. I wish people would stop trying to bait me and trick me.
It's like she is deliberately trying to damage me emotionally so that I do severe ties with him. I am sure she would get a lot of satisfaction out of it if i did.
This is the first christmas I have been home in two years and I am miserable and really didn't actually feel like speaking to any of my family. I can't compete with mum's 'I'm a good mother' routine and repeatedly being contradicted and laughed at and patronised for my opinions. I can't talk to them about dad and his wife and I can't talk to dad about mum. I wish they could get over their own guilt and shit. I am sick of feeling like a punching bag. I probably need to see my shrink becuase I am not feeling too good at the moment.
I need to stop worrying so much about what everyone thinks in this family otherwiose I really am going to make myself sick. It's bad enough I have the whole family telling me I am nuts. I just want to be able to get on with my life without all this shit.
