Rambling

Dec 31, 2005 at 03:17 o\clock

NEW YEARS EVE!!!

Here is hoping 2006 is a lot more positive.

I have bought a printer to get my little venture into action. Spent last night printing out about 45 pictures. May do some more tomorrow on the artistic canvas type paper i bought. Fingers crossed it works. Because the cartridges and paper are expensive. So will be hiring the stall for market once I am prepared. Want to look for postcard paper as well though......There is a scanner on the printer which is just as well, because I am going to need to scan a lot of them that wern't done on digi camera. Maybe I should just do a selection at a time. It's exciting but this is probably going to take months, and patience has never been a virtue of mine.....?

Anyway, New Years resolutions.

1. Take time to relax when I need it (massage etc).

2. Try and save 100 per fortnight - 250 would be ideal but that is the minimum.

3. Spend more time with my brother.

4. Write more movie reviews/ articles.

5. Take time setting up the photography idea. Don't rush things becuase I want it to be good.

6. Concentrate at work. Focus on the task at hand. Home life is not the same as what happens at work. Try and separate the two facets of my life.

7. Possible buy a table for the apartment.

8. Accept myself for who I am warts and all, then maybe the family will.

9. Have fun - don't get pulled down/manipulated by other issues which are not your problem to deal with.

10. Be firm in your stance/opinions. Forget the contradictions. (this is my mantra for coping with mum)

11. Be proud of what I have achieved so far despite the fact there has been a lot to struggle through.

12. Treat others as you wish to be treated (this one is my mantra for coping with dad's wife.....)

 

I hate the fact that my parents seem pre occupied with bloody wills, and money and who has more or who gets what.... A big part of the reason mum and tom were annoyed with me is becuase THEY argued over who got the stupid couch and then all of a sudden it's my fucking fault becuase oooh she might like the couch - I had bever said a word about it, let alone even said anything about moving. I'd been home a fucking week.  They all feel like I blame them well they do the same shit to me and they are just NEVER going to understand. Fine I have established that, but how am I going to get past it and find ways to cope so that it doesn't affect and control me so much. Is that not the reason I am going to bloody therapy for. Which actually annoy me in itself. Mum and bloody dad and his wife need to go. It's been 9 years for fuck sake and all of a sudden everything is my fault and I amthe one baring grudges.  ARGHHHH. I guess i am the easiest scapegoat in the family aren't I.  It was funny. Dad's wife needed a knife and fork when we were at lunch. She has a bad hip and had just got back from getting the food. My brother was sitting at the end of the table I was in a corner. Neither of us offered to get her a fork, which was rude I know. But dad came back and was pissed off with me for it. WHY is that MY fault. He wouldn't get upset with my brother for it oh no, only me because I am not mental. Well neither is my brother. He is doing beautifully. Maybe I sound nasty I dunno. But I am sick of feeling like this family constantly has to needle me.

 

 

 

 

Dec 29, 2005 at 01:00 o\clock

boxing day and beyond continued

I really do keep going around in circles and i guess what upset me this weekend is just realising it is NEVER going to change no matter how hard i try. I hate the fact that it seems to be adversely effecting me emotionally as well though. However my psychiatrist seems to disagree about that, so maybe.......

It's easier to ignore now that I am away from the constantness of it, but i guess certain perceptions are just never going to change. Time will tell I suppose. I need to focus on what i want to achieve for success though. I am considering something - I will start small at first (ie; weekend markets) and see how i go selling the product - i am going to try making my own greeting/post cards. I need a computer and printer for my digicamera first and a computer. So it may take some time. I have started taking photos of Melbourne's sites so we will see how i go. I am not going to tell anyone until I am ready to go to my first market and see how i go. If muhummed wont come to the mountain so to speak, then i need to bring the mountaint to muhummed. (don't know if i spelt that correctly......) <:  but I am sure you get the gist. Will keep you posted on how i go with it.

It is mum's birthday Tuesday. I have a card for her, I will ask her if there is anything nice she wants to do for her birthday. I am sure she and (t) will have something nice to do for the birthday. It is frustrating. I am trying to prevent whatever I do to play into things and it still doesn't seem to work. Mum and (f) seem to keep trying to bait me. 'you might have something' and then 'how dare you say that'. I feel like I can't win and wish at times they would just fuck off.

Dad only listens to his wife's perception and gets pissed off with me for nothing, i get upset. Mum interferes I get pissed off with her, she doesn't accept my reasons because "i'm a good mum". Bloody hell. If I say to dad that mum drove me home - he seems to take it as if i am having a go at hime because he wont drive me. Youn know what that is his own guilty conscience not crap I have ever said. I wish they would stop assuming I am blaming them for everything and just jets get on with things. Maybe they need to face up to the fact I HAVE had a fair bit of crap to put up with. I am simply fed up with everything being a struggle. Mum is always - do it my way or your on your own. dad is always 'they want money' and his wife is always oh they only talk to you if they want money....for fuck sake GROW UP. It's funny I feel perfectly well adjusted when i am not around the family and yet absolutely nuts when i am with the family. Not wanting to spend christmas with them is a problem.

It's weird because I love my mother. I love my father I just wish things wern't so complicated. But I do not need to sit and put up with dad's wife being a bitch about me crashing mums car years ago, picking on me being on tablets and telling me i am crazy and asking me if i hear things and basically laughing at me because I can't have kids and still trying to bait me by talking nastily about my brother when dad is not around. I DO NOT NEED TO ASSOCIATE with her and whilst i am upset at the moment. I need to stop letting it get to me. It's their loss, not mine and I know within myself these opinions and shit is exactly that. But god it hurts.

What made me even angrier is the fact that her sisters daughter got raped, which I am sure was a shock to all the family - i don't think people sat there and laughed at her for it and picked on her (ie; like i was). All this extra crap that gets put onto me. But how am I letting it happen. ARGHHHH

The break from my shrink has been good. We will probably have some new things to talk about at least rather than rehashing the same crap session after session.

Anyways, better go. Sorry it's not more entertaining/happier reading.

 

Dec 27, 2005 at 11:22 o\clock

Boxing Day and Beyond

Had lunch with dad and his wife yesterday and my brother. Christmas lunch was with mum and (t). I really don't think i am going to cope if the dynamic doesn't change, although there seems to be a slight shift. Dad's wife is still an insulting bitch though but I am doing my best to ignore her and not let it get to me. It really shouldn't upset me, i have no more desire to see her than she obviously does me. It just hurts that she seems to be doing whatever she can to shut us out of facets of dads life. He has beautiful grandchildren and i would love nothing more than to be able to share that with him and be able to just be happy for him but all her crap makes it impossibe. She is only nice when it suits her and then sits there and insults me and he just either doesn't notice or doesn't care. I only talk to them when i want money oh alright fine. Be like it. I am beyond even wanting to try and change their perception because i came to the realisation today - it just aint going to happen. It might suck it might be unfair but there is nothing i can do. I wish people would stop trying to bait me and trick me.

It's like she is deliberately trying to damage me emotionally so that I do severe ties with him. I am sure she would get a lot of satisfaction out of it if i did.

This is the first christmas I have been home in two years and I am miserable and really didn't actually feel like speaking to any of my family. I can't compete with mum's 'I'm a good mother' routine and repeatedly being contradicted and laughed at and patronised for my opinions. I can't talk to them about dad and his wife and I can't talk to dad about mum.  I wish they could get over their own guilt and shit. I am sick of feeling like a punching bag.  I probably need to see my shrink becuase I am not feeling too good at the moment.

I need to stop worrying so much about what everyone thinks in this family otherwiose I really am going to make myself sick. It's bad enough I have the whole family telling me I am nuts. I just want to be able to get on with my life without all this shit.

 

Dec 23, 2005 at 20:46 o\clock

Christmas Eve!!!!

Dec 20, 2005 at 05:29 o\clock

work again

really not much to write, back at work again. feeling a lot more refreshed after my holiday/time off. as i said earlier a little nervous about christmas, but it will be ok.  write more later. 

Nothing out of the ordinary. Haven't heard or spoken to the family since the weekend/monday. In a way it is good - i have no distractions. I guess it's just going to take time. On a brighter note, work actually seems to be ok. Had a bit of a hiccup on the weekend, but other than that this week has been good. I guess I should accept i am simply not very out going. I dont need the family treating me like a pathetic piece of crap and putting unfair expectations on me and then getting pissed off when i dont meet these. But anyway. It is pointless re hashing the same shit. I am away from it now and that's what is important, i have time to actually focus on me properly. I still wake up crying about what happened with (j) though. I think I actually had feelings for him - yet at the same time I am baffled by the lack of remorse???? I just dont get it.

I don't deserve to be treated like this and I am at a stage where I am going to be a lot more picky about who I make time for and that is including family. I don't need it at the moment. I am 26 not getting any younger and I feel like I have wasted some of those earlier years because of all the stuff that's been going on. There hasn't been time for ordinary things like bloody hanging out with friends because I have always been too distracted to be interested in what's going on. It always sounds pathetic and immature to me in comparison, but that could be the wrong stance to take as well. I dunno anymore. I some ways i feel ancient in others (ie - sex) I feel completely clueless.

Dec 18, 2005 at 05:19 o\clock

Christmas

Am a little nervous about christmas this year. I need to keep re affirming to myself that my comments were misinterpreted try and separate myself from the other issues that are present. There will be plenty of other people there for me to talk to, so hopefully it goes ok. I am tired of her trying to undermine me (my mother i mean) but like my shrink said, if it isn't going to change then i need to learn ways of coping with it and separating myself from it. I am an adult. I am sick of having to struggle for everything and feeling like mum and dad and their partners are always pissed off at me when I haven't done anything.  You know what i seem to recall mum making an issue of who was picking me up at the airport the 1st time i came home from japan - i was going to end up getting a taxi because she was returning from Vietnam the day before me, I couldn't have cared less, but it became a 'drama' as well. For fuck sake you know what. EVERYTHING IS ALWAYS ABOUT HER AND HER FUCKING FEELINGS< WHY DOES SHE THINK I AM BEING LIKE I AM IF IAM SUPPOSEDLY SOOO DIFFICULT -  

I AM HURT AND HAVE FEELINGS TOO SHE IS NOT THE ONLY ONE> AND DAD IS ARROGANT AND NEVER TALKS ABOUT ANYTHING SIMPLY LETS HIS WIFE CONTROL HIM. All I did was step off a bloody plane.

I know i have said it a hundred times, but......argh. I am sick of being treated is stupid and nasty and spiteful and immature or childish and having my opinions made fun of and dismissed getting picked on and laughed at for my feelings. I don't want to end up like my uncle and aunty and their daughter and her husband & kids - they never speak to each other anymore because of a huge falling out they had at christmas a few years ago.  

I can't do much except be me and hope the family eventually calms down and things get to some kind of 'normal'. To be honest I don't think I am the only one who needs therapy here.

That aside, my massage and facial were awesome - very relaxing. Definitely something I will consider doing more often if i can. Had a guitar lesson and a boxing lesson as well this week. The boxing lesson was fun. I am finding the guitar difficult. I don't seem to have the patience to practice at the moment. Have a Japanese lesson on Monday, looking forward to it.

The more I am away from it the more hurt I am getting, I know my shrink encouraged me to get away, but you know what. This sucks. I had every reason and right to go off at mum she has been telling me i am mental from the minute I got home "you never know, it runs in the family...." - she hasn't hardly seen me in two years - if what I fucking said was so insensitive what about her and then analysing how much toilet paper I bloody use for god sake. Sorry, possibly some resdual animosity coming out now I am in my apartment and have some space to breathe and deal with things and get MY life on track.

 

 

Dec 12, 2005 at 06:11 o\clock

Wow.

had a pretty good appointment with my shrink today. I am feeling a lot stronger and confident. I think doing the multi lingual stuff at work gave me a bit of a boost, that and i dont have the other distractions 24/7.

She basically said mum was bullying me, which considering what i wrote about my diary being read makes me feel confident that I am not a complete nutbag for feeling frustrated with that relationship.

I am looking into continuing japanese lessons, as it is a great skill to have and would be a shame to lose what i learnt over there. Have joined a gym as i may have already mentioned. So i am basically feeling pretty happy and like things are getting on track which is nice.

I am glad i keep a diary sometimes, this year especially it has proved quite useful documentation of things in the past, which are exactly that.

Did some christmas shopping today - will probably finish the rest this week. Have myself booked in for a massage and facial tomorrow which I am lookng forward to.

Will need to find myself a table and chairs after christmas as the ones i had ordered were recalled by the manufacturer for safety reasons.

Was funny I read (Je) blog online on saturday the chick i lived with the first trip to Japan and i guess it made me realise how much we obviously didn't get along. She has just written an entry about being harrased by some guy at a party who is a friend of a friend. It just made it hit home. She didn't care less about me while i was there and when i told her minor details about what happened could not have cared less. Fuck that for a joke. bitch. I might be being nasty but she would have deserved it if i had started slaggling her off like what she did to me. I had the decency not to say anything and she was an absolute cow to me.

sorry, didn't mean to end the entry on a bad note, it just hurt that's all. Why go to so much trouble if you don't like someone. I guess people get off on bullying and picking on people and she obviously gets attention for it and people think she's funny when she does it.

No all in all my shrink was happy with my progress - japanese, guitar, gym, swimming........and the interests I am getting back into to establish myself AGAIN. "The only thing missing is a boyfriend" she said. I was a little hesitant and said i was a little concerned how the whole (j) thing that happened on the 2nd trip would impact. Probably sounds strange to read, but I still can't comprehend someone who was fucking three girls and then days after being threatened with being fired by the boss, is in the office bragging about some chick he fucked on the desk.

Anyway sorry to keep harping on the same shit, but believe me things really do seem to be getting easier. Whilst (t and j) were bastards I at least learnt the improtance of standing up for myself.

 

 

 

 

Dec 7, 2005 at 02:31 o\clock

Time Off Next Week

Have five days off next which will be great. Plan to go to a day spa for a massage. Feeling a little lonely (l) is away and I haven't heard from (k) not sure when she is going on her holiday. (New Years ish time I think....dunno). Should see if she is free, but she is only going to want to go out drinking. Would be nice if we could do something different together. I know I need to put myself out there if i want to meet guys, but with her it's seems constant and I want to talk about/ do other things. I should start suggesting some things, except she never seems interested when I do.....arghh.

Haven't heard much from the family. Had lunch with my brother last week, mum seems a little at a loss with no weekly family dinners anymore. I am still seeing my shrink, I am sick of feeling like I am under the microscope. If not at work in Japan then by mum and now i feel like i have to bloody 'check in' with my shrink just to make sure I am not mental this week for fuck sake.

Had a session at the gym today. I am pretty unfit. Really need to get back into the swimming routine I had going. I was at that pool all the time. Funny the premises are just not as nice or clean or enticing here. The change rooms I could have spent alll day in alone - massage chair sauna, spa.....was it anywonder I would spend nearly 2 hours a day there when i could. 

My brother still hasn't seen the apartment yet. Be nice if he would make some fucking effort.

Mum has a new car, sold hers to my brother. She offered it to me a while ago, but i said no. Seems a bit pathetic offering me a car she wont even let me drive for god sake.

I can't change her perception of me, fine I aman awful daughter and i hate my mother. If it's never going to change then what is the bloody point. They need to work with me a little here as well. I AM THE ONE WORKING ON ALL THIS SHIT> I JUST NEED A BIGGER SUPPORT NETWORK> That is not that easy when i have made a life overseas and the people who have been part of that are overseas. I need to start again. Why does no one seem to understand that and all they want to do is blame me for their own bullshit problems and issues because they need an easy scapegoat. NOT ANYMORE>