Rambling

why the bloody hell is my family life so bloody complicated.....for god sake. Dad's wife is a bitch and my mother is an interfering control freak who thinks i am nuts simply because she didn't like being told to stay out of things and mind her own bloody business.

I am not even sure my shrink listens properly sometimes. Maybe that's just my reaction to her seeing mum behind my back i dunno, but I hate the way i get treated in my family and it isn't going to change. I GET that, what I am not learning is strategies to stop getting blackmailed and roped into situations where everything gets blamed on me. It is almost as if i HAVE to do things mums way or I am alone and will get no help because Iam not doing exactly what she bloody wants. Its fine for my shrink to say avoid it and stay away from it, not so easily done and she knows what i mean when i say that, she's met my bloody mother.

Mum invites me over to dinner and then says she can't fucking drive me home, well for god sake.....ARGHHHH, i can't keep fighting with her over EVERY little thing. It's like anything I do has to be made difficult. It can't just be simple. WHY. I apologise if me needing my parents during vce bloody interfered with her god damn relationship. I am three years behind my brother in school. YES I DO feel like she has always been busy doing other things and its not like she fucking hasn't been. I know its tough being a single parent but to me, my brother and her partner (t) have always come first. None of them actually came to visit me. It was all Vietnam Vietnam Vietnam I Want to be with (t) wah wah wah poor me - oh his kids don't like me  do something...for fuck sake. SHe needs to grow up. They are her problems NOT MINE. I have enough of my own already.  If she thinks I am a pathetic little shit I can't change that but I am not going to continue to compete with her bloody "I'm a good mother act" which she always seems to pre empt before I even have any time to acknowldege my own reactions. Half the time I don't know because she's umped in and assumed it for me and ARGHHHHHH.  SOrry. just needed to vent.

I have  a question so thought i'd put it out there to ponder.  If a certain mother happens to read someones diary and takes it to the daughters psychiatrist because she mistakenly thinks she is going to committ suicide because of an entry about a play the daughter has recently seen and then the doctor meets the mother behind the daughters back hence leading toa joint dr's appointment with the psychiatrist and the doctor is still encouraging the daughter to move out.........what does this mean.  Ethically for the doctor, emotionally for me, and what does this mean about my mother.......At the moment I don't know what to think.

never mind the fact she didn't even bother asking to come and see my place I had to ask her to drive me home. A fuss was made over me buying a bloody washing machine.......so now i am getting a tv and table and chairs because I don't actually have taps for the washer. I DIDN"T CARE, IT WAS NO BIG DEAL changing the order. and she made it into something big again. Fof fuck sake.

I wonder exactly how much she happened to read. Was it just those two entries or was it the whole lot up until that point......i dunno. No one has spoken to me about it. I was seeing the dr twice a week for a while which she didn't want my mum to know about.....must have been SOME cause for concern.

Didn't end up going to the uni thing last night. Was too tired. Mum invited me over for tea tomorrow night by email and I just got off the phone to her. She said she can't drive me home afterwards. Never mind the fact she rearranges the night of the weekly dinner to fit my brothers schedule and was not even interested in the fact that I can't come next week (or the three weeks after that for that instance).

I really need to get my head around some stuff because I feel a little betrayed by my dr as well at the moment, but she seems to be on my side and validating my frustrations. I am just unsure if this means I should stop seeing her though. it feels like she is counselling my mother at the moment and not me. I am fed up with the way mum takes over and seems to poison everything i do....might sound awful but i can't help it.

Other than that, I am pretty happy with my roster. I get a four day weekend. Yay. Be kinda nice. I am also taking a week off mid december hopefully if it gets approved. Don't actually know if I am telling the family this or not yet.....wait  and see. Have asked to work boxing day and 2nd january.  Have a couple of parties coming up this weekend a work christmas party and an engagement party.

Haven't heard from my brother. Be nice if he made an effort with me you know. I have had lunch with him, gone to visit him at his place he has not made a lot of effort in return.

Anyway enough for now.  Have changed the URL for the site so mum can't log in anymore......God only knows how much she has read. Serves me right for using a computer and for not clearing the cache history......

 

sitting here in a bloody cafe at 11pm because i dont want to go to bed yet .....that is really sad hey. have just been invited to a volunteer reunion on tuesady which i am unsure if i should attend. (d) will be there and some of the other volunteers i havent actually seen since i left for japan. Could be cool though to see (r and l) again and (m) i dunno. Would be a little nervous if (d) was there considering we fell out pretty majorly.......anyways...might be good for me to face up to my past and maybe even re establish contact with some of them......perhaps if they are actually intrested that is, which i would doubt. I am sick of feeling worthless to people though. I will be good social value one day it is just so hard when i keep getting everthing thrown back in my face.......argh.....anyways. Who knows. The other thing is i happened to buy a bloody washing machine and i have no where to install it......will have to try and upgrade my tv......woops, oh well can trade it in for something else. I am sure it will be fine.

I know i know, already uploaded once before, but it's cute and restful.....

Feeling a little isolated and sorry for myself and just keep crying at frustration with the whole family crap. I am so fed up. I am even making mistakes at work - made a pretty major f up the other day. Really can't afford to stuff this one up as well. So bit of a thud back to earth. I dunno, maybe I am not motivated or something. I know a bankisn't me, but the job does have potential if i do well, so i need to concentrate even if I only stay a year. I at least want to be able to leave knowing this one worked out. i dunno, at the moment i feel like the hill i have to get over is just too big and I dont know if i am ever going to get out or over it. I feel like I am sinking and just can never quite get on top of things. I need my family, I don't want to be alone and I am sick of always being pitted by myself. They don't like me pointing out the obvious and it backfires everytime I try and say something so I guess i need to learn from it as well, my approach isn't working, so i need a new strategy to get treated the way i want, and NOT revert to tantrums out of frustration at feeling tortured.

Not happy at the moment this week. I just want to be able to sit down and have a conversation with my family that is not complicated by so much other fucking crap. I amnot trying to make a huge drama out of everything. I really am struggling to get out of bed at the moment, which means I am pretty majorly depressed. Which I hate because I shouldnt be.It's just so hard to stop the negativity I am too hurt at the moment. SIck of bursting into tears at inappropriate moments as well.

Stop wollowing over the same shit....I know I know, easier said than done I tell you. Had lunch today and you know what - there is not a lot of conversational topics we can talk about.....

 

 

 

Been seeing a lot of movies lately. In Her Shoes, Wallace and Grommit, Elizabethtown, Wolf Creek, The Perfect Man, Yeah, alright i've been pretty bored. Surprised none of my family called to come and see my apartment this weekend either. Little disappointed about that. Especially surprised at mum for it. Whay do we place such high expectations on each other - i guess we have been to dependent on each other i dunno what it is exactly....

Anyways, I am really enjoying having my own space at the moment. My shrink appointment is tomorrow after work, so i am starting early for the day. Hope they remembered this......

I was out with (tr) from work today. She is 34, which is 8 years older than me.......hmmm, no I dont care personally about that - but i know mum would. Just wish i oculd stop giving out the disinterested vibe when i am out with people socially.

I have cried the last two nights in a row about bloody (j). I still miss him which i find really strange......I trusted him. I wish he had talked to me about it. That is never going to happen and never was going to happen.

Part of me wants to get back out there, and part of me is tired of actually repeatedly putting myself out there and constantly getting trampled on whenever i try. I am not a horrible person, why do I seem to be such an easy target for this crap. I think some of this is because I never really got over the whole (t,a,n,a,j,s)thing at college that happened. I dont need mum playing this sick game of do you love me,you dont love me enough,bull shit while i am trying to figure stuff out and get MY life on track.

I am sounding repetetive sorry. I wish just once i could stop and think positive. I hate being like this. Today was actually quite a pleasant day. I am maybe a little sensitive to how I am relating to people since the whole japan thing thats all and bloody mum doesnt help by making me feel like i am three and treating me like a pathetic handicapped little invalid. SORRY. But i need to vent, I have been putting on a happy face today at least trying to and i need to vent.

All in all a fairly ok weekend. Party on Fri and StKilda today with (tr). I don't want to blow it this time......I really can not take anymore setbacks.

 

I did actually have a pleasant day today.

 

Had dinner at a japanese restaurant calld 'tomodachi' which is japanese for 'friend'. Am really enjoying having my own place and space. feel like i have my independence and integrity. Funny how much more i am remembering now about what happend with (t and j). The funny thing was, i wrestled with making that decision to leave. I did not want to come home. No being in another country was not a complete horrible experience I wouldnt have wanted to go back the 2nd time. I just couldnt teach. None of my family ever talk about half the stuff i have been through i think maybe it makes them feel to guilt, but they shouldnt I am not angry that my brother needed extra attention for god sake, they are treating me as if i am. I need to be firm and confident in my opinions and i wont be so easily intimidated i guess. I dunno

Anyway, on a brighter note. Work sems to be going ok. I have changed departments as i may have already mentioned, but yeah. It seems realy cool. Am donating blood again. Cristmas is coming up and I think maybe i need to ge into the giving spirit an appeciate meeting new people at the moment and that although my family may be a little testing at times, they are all i have and i know they love me in their own funny ways. Corny as that may sound. I really want to start being able to deal with th simple things in life and not have all this other stuff. It has been crises after crises for this family and its enough. PEACE. Don't  really feel depressed. I should be happy. I have my own place, a good job. Am meeting some new people. Things are pretty good.

Read a couple of entries in my guest book and stuff too and wow. I really do sound pretty nuts at the moment i guess. Maybe not, maybe just weary. But I do actually feel confident things will improve.

 

had a really awful realisation last night, now that i am.... - well now i have my own place anyway. I dont mean that to sound negative.

How can it be possible for a whole group of people to hate someone and for that person not to realise people are laughing behind her back and what is it about me that seems to invite it.  Not a single person in Japan liked me at all and that has really come to head. In terms of coping and learning the language i got a lot out of it, but i didn't make any genuine friends and i sucked at the job. Why couldnt i enjoy it at the time. Looking back the first visit was a great experience, but god. Two girls i thought were my friends fucking hated me.  

Might sound pathetic, but it is happening for a reason. Only a lot worse this time. (t and j) thought I was pathetic for leaving becuase of hooking up with him. if they'd been prepared to talk to me about it maybe things could have been handled a little easier.

In regards to (Je and K) Why didn't i pick up on this instead of focusing all my energy ona friendship with someone who hated me. I always seem to do this and i always dwell on things to long. I hate having waves of depression and i hate it when i am supposed to be all these things and no one ever asks me what I bloody want they just make up this image of me that is totally false and never end up really knowing the real me. I am not worthless and I really cant handle having crap thrown back in my face anymore. Why do people pick on me. I still don't get it do I.  I am not unusual looking. At 5ft I am short, but that is something I can live with I dont care. There has to be something I am doing that rubs people up the wrong way and I sure as hell dont need to deal with mum seemingly convinced that her daughter is mental simply because I have been hurt A LOT. She would have no fucking idea what i have been through. It is not her that it has happened to and she is always focusing on my brother, which while I understand and I dont, it would be nice to be able to have some NORMAL experiences like to be able to have had my mum and dad speaking at my bloody graduation and for the family to be at peace. We have been through enough. It's been really hard and I am exhausted. That doesnt mean that mum needs to take over and steal the limelight of my experiences by fussing over me which only irritates me.  Do I sound awful, I dunno. I just want the games and petty crap to stop. I simply am not strong enough to handle anymore stress or setbacks or letdowns. I am not getting any younger and I would actually like to meet a partner and have a relationship and someone to share things with, but i guess it's probably going to take a while until i am happy myself. At the moment I still feel like I am in love with (J) Its weird but I miss him like crazy. He knew ME. This is going to sound weird but at the time he made me feel like I was worth something. This reaction is totally confusing becuase yes i felt that but i didnt think it meant i wanted to have sex with him.  

 

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YAY. you have no idea how excited i am. Still not completely unpacked, have soent most of today running around for stuff and setting up a bookcase. I am excited and glad to have some space. Dont have electricity until tomorrow but that is no big deal. I will cope, just hope i have the meter in the right position for when they come to read the meter. I need to make sure there is access to the buildings meters - i need a fuse insert to have the power re connected damn it. They didn't just read the meter. It was funny ringing a company i actually used to work for.......dejavu. Anyways a excited and happy setting up house at the moment. It is amazing the amount of stuff i have accumulated over the years and my previous moves, which all of a sudden seems to have amounted to a great deal. My only concern now is that i might get a little lonely......nevermind for now though. I will be too busy being preoccupied with work and stuff. Am looking forward to the weekend already though which is perhaps not the greatest sign.

Well at least i have learnt something from my internet banking training. How to clear a cache on the internet.....i know i know. lame, but.....

i totally flaked and tuned out and got put onthe spot today about one of the topic, which really didn't look so good. I have monday off, which i am looking forward to, but i mainly can't wait to get my own space. I know mum and (t) are tryng. They have been pretty good actually, just i guess a little hurt. At last they take an interest. I get fed up with the games from  both sides though and this shit was really on my mind all day, i just couldn't focus on work at all. so it is lucky i have the weekend. Really can't handle stress at the moment. I am looking back on my life and i dont want to feel like i am wasting anymore of it. I want to have fun and be happy and establish MY OWN life instead of having so mch family stresses to cope with. I just want things to be simple. I am fed up with the games. Mum might feel like i am giving up, but i am 26 and it is perfectly normal for me to want my own place and i think being away from the overprotectiveness will help the situation. Anyways, don't know what else to say. It is almost bed time i guess. I need to go and pick up my keys in the morning from the reall estate agent......probably will owe another months rent.....This is going to be a looooong and tiring week. I have a feeling i am going to fuck up at work. I am nervous, because we havent gotten to practice anything we have just been talked at and half of it i just dont feel like it has sunk in entirely yet. I seem to know how to add to my stress and coping levels hey.