Rambling

Oct 30, 2005 at 14:08 o\clock

one week to go.

one week to go til i move into my new place. yay. <:  looking forward to it. Mum and (t) have been pretty good under the circumstances. I know mum must be itching to make a fuss but she hasn't done it yet. Which is impressive - she is getting the message, albeit slowly.

They seem to have enjoyed the holiday, which is awesome. I am still a little antsy around them. But i think i need ot move on. I get stuck fixating on a problem for too long and can't seem to talk about anything else. I just wish she didn't consume so much of my thoughts and energy. I just want to be happy and be able to do normal things.

Well. time to head to bed. I have an early morning start tomorrow and it's midnight. Burning the candle at both ends is not something i can handle a lot of, and i have a fairly big week ahead. I am moving departments at work, which is good. Something new to do....I don't want to be on the phones my whole life.....I am getting along ok though. Funny thing is I asked about (j) a couple of nights ago. He is apparently doing great. I was surprised how much that upset me. I am still pretty hurt, angry, humiliated...whatever by what  happened there and part of me resents the fact he moved on so fast and just didn't give a shit. He was fucking some chick on a desk in the office a few days after he had been spoken to by my boss about things. Did not give a stuff at all or learn anything. I may have found it easier to forgive or move on if he had at least shown some sort of remorse. Fuck i was even prepared to try and talk to him about it, he totally didn't want to. I felt SO god damn intimidated by their anger after it came out. And he is ' great'. I have had to pick up the pieces - i hate to sound like a whiney three year old, but it isn't fair. I deserved 2 be treated with some respect, why did no one help me when it was quite clear what was happening. I am not believed simply because i am a shit teacher that is just off. I wish i wasnt still so bloody affected by it, but i did not deserve to be treated like it. He does not deserve to be 'great' and as for the insensitivity of the person who passed this on.....arghhh. I think i really fell for him hard. But that is what i didnt understand. I was saying no, so how can i have feelings for him.

 

Oct 24, 2005 at 10:31 o\clock

dr's appointment.

just got back from the movies with a friend. Had my dr's appointment today as well which was good. I am looking forward to moving into my new place. Need to organise a car to get some stuff over there though.....anyway, think about that later. The whole family knows now, so it's good. Mum rang yesterday and she seemed to take it quite well. Acted happy for me, she didn't seem so surprised. I am nervous about them coming home though. Don't want to come back to being treated like a five year old. It's not only me that needs to change their behaviour if things are to get better. Not much else to write at the moment. Time to eat dinner.

 

 

Oct 22, 2005 at 08:37 o\clock

Hmmmm.....

things that make you go hmmm. Had lunch with my brother yesterday. Told him i was moving and have told dad i was moving. They both were pretty cool about it. have told (j and z) about it as well. They were pleased for me. The only one causing me some anxiety is telling my mother. I hope my brother doesn't tell her before i do. I have had some discussion with my dr about how to do it and dad was actually surprisingly good giving me some advice for handling her. I just have a bad feeling it is going to blow our fight up again. We really need space from each other at the moment. I can't handle the stress my family is creating. I know i have to change how i relate to them a little, but it is hard when none of them seem to be acknowledging that i am desperately trying to do so and it just keeps getting thrown back in my face - by mum in particular at the moment. The dr's appointment together didn't help either. I want her to stop trating me like a child. I am kind of preparing myself for the fall out when i tell them, because they are going to be hurt i think. I just want them to be happy for me. Anyways, have a dinner party tonight. Try and put telling mum to the back of my mind. I think the space will be good for me. I don't have to see the family if i don't want to. I think they need time to put some perspective into things. I am fed up with her interfering (translation "helping") and trying too hard.

Oct 13, 2005 at 14:20 o\clock

found my own pad. YAY

Found my own place. The application got approved pretty quick which was awesome. I am a little nervous about bringing it up with the family though, but that will probably not be an issue. The only one who is probabnly going to do something to steal the limelight or put a dampner on things is mum. It is going to be interesting because i haven't even told people i was looking.

I am a little freaked out about her reaction but i really need to stop letting her have that much influenc eon my decision. Not wanting to move out because i dont bloody want to upset her is the WRONG reason to stay and i cannot handle the scrutiny and her treating me like some pathetic poor little handicapped freak out of pity or whatever it is.

On a brighter note, i am going to the caulfield cup on saturday, which is nice.  I had lunch with (L) today which was good, she gave me the courage to accept the apartment. I am just not sure if i should hold off, but there were a lot of positives about the place. Yes it is tiny, but Location is great. It was clean, tidy, had a pool, modern, secure, well presented, close to work and the city and will give me some freedom and peace.

so.....a fair bit of good there.

ok, that's enough for tonight. I at least have some time to decide how i am going to break the news to my family.....i want to discuss it with my shrink first.  fuck i am a bit of a mess at the moment aren't i. Maybe i am but there is nothing wrong with that, out fmaily has had a lot to cope with and i am struggling to develop an identity in this family that isn't overshadowed by my mother.  sorry it always comes back to her doesn't it.

 

Oct 8, 2005 at 12:57 o\clock

a place to call my own

have started looking for a place to rent on my own. I think i will enjoy that.  The situation with mum and (t) can't continue when they come home and I am not oging to be scapegoated by them any longer.

I am enjoying having (j and z) here so far. Caulfield Cup is next weekend so looking forward to that as well. yay.

Not much else to write. had a guitar lesson today which i actually enjoyed. the teacher was good. I wish i was back in Japan having my own life though.  but I am doing well in my new job. I have been getting good reviews, which is geat. Have a BBQ next week with some of the people I trained with, which is good. Need to relax and just have fun There is no one to put pressure on me and how I interact with people except myself. Don;t need to concern myself with what anyone else is thinking, just concentrate on being me and having a good time without getting antsy.

 

Oct 6, 2005 at 02:25 o\clock

home alone

thank god.    It is nice to have some peace and to be able to relax without feeling like my every move is being watched like a hawk. Had a word to  a couple of friends about it and also my shrink, I am being told to move out so this month is going to be apartment hunting time. Yay. God only knows how mum is going to construe this. But the sooner i put some space between us the better. SHe just will  not take a hint.

 

Oct 3, 2005 at 16:47 o\clock

bullied

been reading some interesting stuff. I tihnk my mum is bullying me. How awful is that, but i think i finally understand why things are so difficult. No wonder the dr wants me to get away from the situation. Wow. I never realised it. It is weird because mum is/was so shattered by my brother. I know she loves him, but is that a manipulation as well? What the hell happened to make him want to commit suicide. The bloody cat for god sake was not his fault.

Why would he feel like that? I am only being bullied simply because she has misinterpreted my comments and is highly sensitive about  what happened i doubt she realises it's what she is doing. To me she is suffocating though. I lose all confidence and just arghhh. But i think it's what might be happening. She always manages to lay the guilt trip on and make everything about HER.  nevermind what i was getting over. Why is my experience being clouded by oh i am a good mum i am worried about her she shouldn't be drinking coffee coming off pills, my poor daughter she is such a pathetic mess.

 

ARRRRRRGGGGHHHHHHH

I am actually GLAD I am seeing my shrink she is giving me strength to cope with this situation.