Rambling

Sep 27, 2005 at 15:49 o\clock

diarys - good thing?????

Been doing some reading over my diaries from the past, found some interesting entries. One when i was 11 weighing up the pros and cons of killing myself at age 11 and a half or so. a little freaky, also my reactions to mum and dads divorce my diagnosis with turners and stuff. my insecurities during high school it was interesting. I dunno, we seem to be doing some intense work i have seen her once a week for a long time and at the moment it is twice i don't know if this is a good thing or a bad thing, it may be that we are making some fast and positive progress, which would be good - but i dunno. She seems to be reassuring me about this though, so i am guessing it is a good thing. Mum and I are giving each other space which is a good thing. my psychiatrist seems to be focusing on that relationship a lot at the moment because it is quite a strange one a little suffocating for me at any rate. which SHE at least understands so i think it is helping me. It is good to have someone to listen to me while i get back on my feet. Doesn't mean i am a freak or a complete retard or psychotic i just have some issues i need to work through. Anyways, getting late, time to head to bed.

gnite.

 

Sep 17, 2005 at 02:25 o\clock

saturday

Hi again,  at the libarary before my shrink appointment. I wish my parents would stop fussing. Turns out mum went behind myback to go and see my doctor about me. She just has to interfere constantly and i am fed up with it. I do not want to be around her much at the moment. I am sick to death of this. I just want to be left alone. I know she is shocked about what happened to me, but it is not her that it happened to, it is ME and we are two separate people.

 

Sep 13, 2005 at 15:37 o\clock

psychiatrist appointment with mum...

yep.  not happy it has come to this to try and get through to her, but......i am hopeful it will achieve something....apart from that work is good. Am out in the city now, which is nice.  Still asking lots of stupid questions because i am unsure about everything but that will take time. Not really much else to report. I have a new mobile which is great. Felt a little lost without one, so yeah kinda nice to have one again. I love having one in Japan. Just wish i could get on top of things, but i have a feeling things are going to be ok. It'll probably just take time.

Am a little anxious about the appointment with mum tomorrow, but shit has dragged out to long. don't really know what to expect. I should probably head to bed in a minute, early start tomorrow. loving my late starts at the moment, but it's never good burning the candle at both ends.

 

Sep 6, 2005 at 14:46 o\clock

Fathers Day and beyond

Things seem to be picking up. Hopefully. I know i obviously hurt people a lot, but it couldn't be helped. I just hope my poor brother can forgive me. I want to be there for him, i only feel bad if he doesn't  think i was....he must have been going through absolute hell to attempt suicide so i can understand why my comments were upsetting, but they were to mum, not to him and she didn't have to tell him for god sake, imagine that.  He doesn't deserve to hear that. Bloody hell.

Mum and (t) seem to be getting the message and things with dad might be easier without mum interfering.  Sunday was a great day.

I haven't been talking much and i think they are starting to understand WHY I am not talking.

Work on the other hand has been great. Yesterday was our first day on the phones and boy is there a lot of information we have to remember. I seem to need help  A LOT. But hey, better to ask then to give the wrong answer and totally f up and get into trouble for it further down the track.

The people are nice, i have been a little distracted though because of what's been going on, but hey never mind. I will live i guess. It's always been the same story. I need to go and travel again, but i think i will stick this job out for  while then maybe try and do what (yu) is doing and work in a bank overseas if it's possible.  Maybe  NZ or somewhere else.....The family is going to resent that though - i think, it will look like running away again. Nevermind. more to write later

Goodnight.

 

Sep 3, 2005 at 16:58 o\clock

change

why wont people let me change. I am so sick of being in the mould of 'the difficult' one. For once i am simply trying to give mum and (t) the space they want and they are taking it as if i am pissed off at them . I am SICK OF NEVER BEING ABLE TO DO ANYTHING RIGHT.  No, all i could bloody worry about was being kicked out of the house. THEY ARE BEING COMPLETLY UNFAIR> THEY HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THE HELL WAS GOING THROUGH MY MIND>AND IT SURE AS HELL WASN'T SHIT LIKE THAT>

I AM SICK OF BEING THE BLACK SHEEP OF THE FAMILY. I DONT WNAT IT TO BE THAT WAY ANYMORE< AND WHEN I TRY TO TELL PEOPLE THIS THEN THEY GET PISSED OFF WITH ME> I AM TIRED OF TAKING ON EVERYONE ELSES EMOTIONAL BAGGAGE> ESPECIALLY MUMS

I AM TIRED OF NOT FEELING LIKE I CAN BE MYSELF AROUND THEM> I TRY TO PLEASE THEM AND IT FALLS ON DEAF EARS ALL THE TIME>  THEY HAVE NOT EVEN ASKED ME ABOUT DINNER WITH MY FRIENDS THIS WEEK OR THE PEOPLE AT WORK> I AM TIRED OF TRYING TO APPEASE THE SITUATION SIMPLY BECAUSE THEY HAVE THE WRONG END OF THE STICK AND THINK I AM PISSED OFF AT THEM> I AM TIRED OF BEING IN THAT MOULD> AND THEY DONT SEEM PREPARED TO BELIEVE ME OR LISTEN> FOR ONCE I AM NOT ANGRY AT THEM I SIMPLY WANT PEACE AND TO BE LEFT ALONE> I HAVE FUCKING COLD I AM SO RUN DOWN WITH STRESS>
WHAT THE HELL DO I DO>I AM TIRED OF NO ONE EVER ACTUALLY BEING ON MY SIDE AND FEELING LIKE I AM BANGING MY HEAD AGAINST A BRICK WALL> I AM SICK OF MUM REPEATEDLY TELLING ME I THINK SHE IS AN AWFUL MOTHER> I DON"T BUT IF SHE IS FEELING GUILTY THEN I WISH SHE WOULD STOP WITH THE EMOTIONAL BLACKMAIL.