Rambling

feeling a little tipsy after dinner, am glad to be starting work next monday. Maybe that will change the focus of what is going on in the family. I think next dinner (j and z) are over will end the tension for good. Maybe not until then will all be resolved. I am never going to change mum's perception. Give it time i guess. There is no more danger of her interfering and maybe my relationship with dad will improve once this has happened for a while.

There seems to be a lot of emotions flying aorund at the moment about my return especially now my brother is doing better, maybe they are upset i wasn't there for him. I did what i could, he never seemed to want to tell me anything and i am sick of not undertstanding why dad is upset with me whenit is mum he is pissed off with. My opinion is not necessarily my mothers.

Anyways, writing this has been therapeutic.  Mum's partner is away in manila next week for ten days, mum is not so happy about this. He works too hard. They have all this stuff going on about them not being married and having their relationship accepted by the rest of the famuly which i think has influenced their perception of me and my comments as well. You know what, mum needs to stop laying all her emotional baggage onto me. i have enough of my own to deal with.

Harsh comment maybe, but it's true. I am sorry i upset her, but it had to be said.

still feeling frustrated.........like i am banging my head against a brick wall. I want a better realtionship with my family that is why i said what i said, i didn't say it to be horrible, but she needs to let me do things for myself.

 

Yeah brunch was ok today, was interesting to see who else from the group was hired. Pretty much who I expected, so yeah. I still feel the news is sinking in. I can't quite believe i have the job. It's nice, but hopefully it will get people focusing on something else now and my outburst will be forgotten about. I just am still finding things really difficult with the parents but they are going to form their own perceptions and i guess it's not going to matter what i say. I just get sick of feeling like i can't do anything right.

I spend time with my friends - mum is upset i was not with her and so was dad. for fuck sake. I really need to not bloody worry anymore. As long as i am happy. I wish (p) was here to give me some advice. I really do. He understood me at least and i didn't have to verbalise it. I probably just have to accept things are going to be difficult family wise for a while.

Starting the new job will give me something to focus on other than that. For god sake, i even got picked on during the fucking tour. I don't need them patronising me. They get upseti dont talk, well I get sick of feeling like they treat me like a 12 year old. It's not about money, but becuase of my comments a while back they are interpreting it as that. Ooooooh i get so frustrated.  The only time i am really happy is when i see the psychiatrist. She at least understands my perspective and doesn't think i am nuts for it.

If mum and dad feel guilty there is not much i can do, but...i am really at my wits end with dad, i've had enough of being taunted by them simply because he is upset at something mum has done and mum needs to stop taking over and let me try do things for myself a little bit. I am not a defenseless baby and i get tired of her emotional blackmail sometimes.

Am staying at a friends house this weekend which will be nice to have some space. I really need to vent, but it is her birthday so probably not the best time and i do tend to harp a little once i start, so best not to.

I really wish (p) was here to talk to. I would love his advice. He told me it wasn't going to be easy and he was right. I haven't been home very long and it was not the most pleasant home coming. Iwish we hadn't gone away for the weekend, because i have basically been upset since. Mum may have a point, my relationship with the men in the famuly has not been the greates, but my point is I want to change that.....for fuck sake. I actually prefer them at the moment to women. They are a lot less bitchy.  Part of me even bloody misses (j) stupid i know...but i can't help it. I miss him, i seem to think about the night a lot especially when i am about to sleep and it happend 6 or 7 months ago now.  But i do need to accpet some responsibility. i didn't have to go back to his house that night and i could have aplogised to dad for the drunken phone call instead of letting it fester. I am being a little harsh maybe, but after the weekend his wife didn't open the door. i hav had enough of feeling let down and never knowing where i stand. That's all.