Rambling

yeah the heading says it all. maybe i am being a little harsh, but the parents are also feeling a little guilty.....we have all been through a lot. I am just sick of it always being my brother who has had all the attention i know he has needed the extra support, but i still needed my parents too and i just dont feel like i did. its been really hard especially with the hostility between them that was created and there is still a lot of ill feeling about it, because i have stirred it all up by actually daring to mention what people were fearing. I just wish mum would have considered how her message might be interpeted before she wrote it, that was ALL i was trying to say and it has created more ill feeling than i ever intended. I should stop repeating myself i know. And after toms youngest daughter has just told us that her partner's dad has bowel cancer, it has brought up my ill timed outburst again. But mum didnt really give me achance to speak she jumped down y throat and has made the wrong perception. I am sick of feeling intimidated and having the guilt trip layed on me thoug, none of my problems have EVER cmoe first yet and it was hard when i had crap of my own to try and get throug let alone try and be an emotional support to mum at the same time. i did my best. She doesn't need to lay the guilt trip on me 24/7. I have felt like it for a long time and dad taking shit out on me was the last straw. i am fed up. i simply want PEACE for once in a very very very very very long time.  But dad still cant communicate with me despite the fact i have asked him three times. Bugger it. i am not going to keep asking if he wont talk about it and simply keeps ringing his bloody bitch of a wife who hates us anyway and seems to be trying to do everything she can to make me not want to visit him and make dad get upset that i never come. If she isnt answering the door, is it any damn wonder i dont want to visit.

Sorry. it's just on my mind a lot at the moment, that and i am trying to find a bloody job and start to meet some new people because i don't really think i want to see (k) anymore, she is an obnoxious, insensitive little bitch sometimes and i find her hard to talk to. Story of my life, but she never shits up and when she speaks its always to complain about her weight, height, talk about one of her friends that is pissing her off for no real genuine reason except she is an impatient selfish brat. Yeah i guess i dont really like people very much at least so far anyway. i dunno, part of that is just me being sick to death of putting up with being walked all over and putting up with it becuase i am not used to anything else and dont know what to compare it too and dont know what to expect froma genuine friend because i feel like i have never had one, so yeah it makes me cautious and i guess a little standoffish....

more later.   bed time. goodnite 

 

 

 

I wish mum would stop putting words in my mouth. i wasn't accusing her of anything just saying that stuff like that is going to be regarded by dad with suspicion because of the past i didnt actually think they were fighting and i cant tell them this because they just keep getting pissed off. I obviously hit quite a nerve. I am sick of it. I find people too hard at the moment. Part of that would help if i coulld have some fucking space without mum constantly harping at me.

she has even gone and told my brother about the argument and he is upset by it so for fuck sake mum STOP interfering. I am not twelve and i dont mean by that that i want to pay for everything myself, i want them to stop relating to me like i am a kid. I want my own opinions not have everyone attribute mums opinions with mine.  

Going to the football with dad and my brother this weekend, so hopefully things are ok. Guess it will just need time and for me to keep my mouth shut for a bit. Ride it out becuase i am not going to change mum and (t)'s perceptions of what i said. Just deal with it. I am sick of feeling intimidated by their reaction though because it makes me anxious around the rest of the family. I did it because i thought it would make things easier i didnt mean them to get so upset.

I can't spend time with my friends without someone getting pissed off. I cant be everywhere at once for christ sake. I feel like i can't speak without mum thinking i am fucking nuts. All I want is for her to leave me alone for a bit.

They are upset at my timing most of all i think, but you know what. I had no one at the airport, no one for my gastroscopy really, no one to help me through exams, they didn't come and visit me in Japan while they werein Vietnam. I go through abuse and come home to hostility and mum panicking about every little thing i am doing.  Yeah i was getting a little frustrated. But i guess i should just try not to worry about it.

Thing will pass. I hope.