Rambling

I wish mum would stop putting words in my mouth. i wasn't accusing her of anything just saying that stuff like that is going to be regarded by dad with suspicion because of the past i didnt actually think they were fighting and i cant tell them this because they just keep getting pissed off. I obviously hit quite a nerve. I am sick of it. I find people too hard at the moment. Part of that would help if i coulld have some fucking space without mum constantly harping at me.

she has even gone and told my brother about the argument and he is upset by it so for fuck sake mum STOP interfering. I am not twelve and i dont mean by that that i want to pay for everything myself, i want them to stop relating to me like i am a kid. I want my own opinions not have everyone attribute mums opinions with mine.  

Going to the football with dad and my brother this weekend, so hopefully things are ok. Guess it will just need time and for me to keep my mouth shut for a bit. Ride it out becuase i am not going to change mum and (t)'s perceptions of what i said. Just deal with it. I am sick of feeling intimidated by their reaction though because it makes me anxious around the rest of the family. I did it because i thought it would make things easier i didnt mean them to get so upset.

I can't spend time with my friends without someone getting pissed off. I cant be everywhere at once for christ sake. I feel like i can't speak without mum thinking i am fucking nuts. All I want is for her to leave me alone for a bit.

They are upset at my timing most of all i think, but you know what. I had no one at the airport, no one for my gastroscopy really, no one to help me through exams, they didn't come and visit me in Japan while they werein Vietnam. I go through abuse and come home to hostility and mum panicking about every little thing i am doing.  Yeah i was getting a little frustrated. But i guess i should just try not to worry about it.

Thing will pass. I hope.

 

Have had a couple more interviews which have been good to help me get into the swing of things. Getting the confidence back slowly. Now that i can breathe a little at home i feel better.

Arghh i had never realised how much i felt smothered by everyone elses expectations. I need to start doing things for me, but then again, when have i ever not? i dunno. I feel selfish, but i really need to focus on myself and what it is that I do that contributes to the difficulties yes outside factors don't help, but i need to have some responsibility too.

Anyway. (t)'s daughter is pregnant, which is awesome. Everyone is so excited for her which is great. I am looking forward to watching her go through the pregnancy. It will be good.

I am hopeful about todays job interview. So who ever is actually taking the time to read this, wish me luck.

I haven't had a lot of motivation yet, but am starting to feel ok again. I even had an email last night from one of the girls on contiki with me, i didn't expect to hear from her again, but it was really cool to hear from her. Not the complete disaster i thought. Yet i told my doctor i got picked on, which i did....but i am used to it. I just need to find ways of generating the kind of attention i acutally want instead of negative attention and attention for the wrong reasons, because it's a big part of being a person - the more outgoing or better at getting attention you  are, the more successful you are. It's just hard when i feel like i have been picked for every little things possible that there is to pick on - being teased for simply being a girl is quite close to the bone especially when i have my own hang ups already about my femininity because of my infertility and the turners.  I need to give it a rest i kow, but it is something i need to deal with EVERY day and it gets exhausting so i need coping strategies to handle the taunts better and earn respect from people because i haven't really managed it yet. I don't think.   

 

Had the WORST possible interview experience ever today. I just could not answer the questions. I just could not provide examples and was giving really general answers which was annoying them. I just didn't know what there expectations were for the answers because they sounded really complex.

Arghh, guess it just wasn't meant to be. But i have another one this afternoon and i am feeling a little deflated. Doesn't put me in a positive frame for this one, which wuld be pretty good. With a publishing company and all. But anyway. Just take it each step at a time.

Lunch with dad yesterday was ok. Mum is still annoyed at me having a go at her, but it wasn't her place to say anything and it only made things worse when they weren't good as it was. She needs to understand that the tension between her and dad makes things a little difficult and of course (f) enjoys doing everything she can to stir up trouble as well because of it.

I have got what i want, but upset a lot of the family in the process, but it needed to be said. I am sick to death of it. I have nothing but crap memories of them arguing over money the whole time i was at uni and it started when i was in frigging high school.

Just once i would like things to be peaceful and not have to worry about crap like this.  And now i have mum's partner going oh your one of the clan blah blah blah.

Anyways better go am at a library writing this before the next interview. Fingers crossed it goes better. At least i can be prepared for the behavioural type questions.

Just read over this and some of it sounds a little selfish, i can't help it. I felt like i needed to be. i have simply had enough of tension, maybe i create some of it myself, but there are other contributing circumstances as well. I don't think i am going to get either job i went for today, which is a bit of a bummer. I was kind of hoping to just step back into something right away, but i guess not it's not the end of the world. Hmmmph.

I am up writing this at midnight because i want some privacy and not have to worry about mum going oooh why is she on the computer all the time, what are you doing, what are you thinking eating breathing shitting. sorry but its gotten on my nerves a little. i know she cares, but she needs to let go a little. I know she's tried to do her best for me and i think she has under the circumstances but i needed peace not dad getting pissed off, is all i meant i didn't mean to upset her and (t) as much as a i did....i have written about this issue enough so i will shut up and go t bed.

goodnight.

lunch with dad and his wife tomorrow, this is going to be interesting. I hope it goes alright. Stupid bitch wasn't even going to open the door last time. I am sick to death of trying to keep up with them if something is or isn't ok. It is simply easier not to ask.

Dad can have his 'stuff' i am not going to ask anymore. If he can't tell me, when i have asked three or four times now and then knowing i am concerned not turn up to lunch and ignore the fucking door. Sorry mum but yeah i was annoyed. She needn't have written to him. I know she ws trying to help but she needs to understand that things are too hostile between them and that doesn't make it any easier for me to have a relatonship with dad unfortuantely. I am sick to death of it and far be it for me to actually arc up about it. SHe doesn't have to cop their petty crap.

If they start talking about money again or insulting me this time, i am going to walk out. Might sound awful, but it's how i am feeling after the last time.

Anyways, better go. It's late. I was just hoping to have received an email from someone i am probably not going to hear from again ever i suppose. Damn it.

On a brighter note, I had an ok night out on friday. Met up with some people from the past which wasn't as bad as i expected. I just need some stability for a while and if dad is annoyed about where i am staying then he can go fuck himself, it's not like he would ever offer and where the hell would I sleep. The god damned couch.   

have three job interviews lined up which should be good.  Mum's partner's daughter is pregnant, so that is exciting. 7 months to go......it's going to be exciting to be around for the pregnancy. I have never known anyone whilst they are actually having a baby if that makes any sense. Never beenthis close to the experience anyway. We will get to see a lot of them and what is going on i mean, whereas dad's grand kids i never hardly see, maybe some of that is my own fault, maybe some is family tension. (f) never seems to want us near her or her family. Her choice i guess, but i've never actually had anything against her or the family she is just a neurotic control freak. But anyway. Things seem better now i am back from new zealand. WOuld love to here from (p) but i guess we didn't know each other that long so i shouldn't be surprised. But I am glad he made me start dealing with the issues i have had and at least try and start leaving the past in the past. I seem to dwell and have trouble letting go...it is particularly hard when all the contacts i do have bar a few are overseas. None of the bloody NOVA gang actually like me. My friend from Invercargill hasn't replied to my emails. Maybe she is busy with the new job, i don't know. I get tired of thinking the worst sometimes. But she knew the others were all coming down as well. Maybe she is with them who knows. I could kill fucking (je) she should get her facts straight before spreading gossip far and wide thatis complete crap. But i guess she simply doesn't like me and neither does (k), they would have inlcuded me in things if they did and i was dumb enough not to make much effort with anyone else and was too upset at the work issue i had...it's the same thing i get upset try talk it over with someone, talk it to death they get sick of it and then i end up with no one. Real friends would be supportive and i never seem to get that. I find it hard to focus on anything else which is a problem in itself. i guess theyunderstand i am upset they think i should still try and have fun. It would be normal for me to just once actually WANT to go and pick up or meet men. I never do because i have too much other stuff going on and am to busy trying to establish some women friends. ARGHHHH.  Frustrating. But at least i am starting to understand why certain problems arose and do arise. Now i find it a little more difficult because of the whole gluten free thing....that only adds to it. I can't drink beer for one thing. Fuck (je) is a bitch.  

that about sums up how i am feeling at the moment. i am sick of job hunting, barely have the energy or motivation to write out selection criteria which isn't good. I just don't care at the moment, but i don't particularly want to go on the dole either......we'll see.

Anyway, apart from that had my doctors appointment today. told her about the holiday to new zealand and being picked on by most of the people. I am finally starting to undertsand why. ....i cop a lot of crap from women because i never want to pick up and i am "competition" for men.  Men don't respond t me because other women reject me....

I actually prefer talking to men, they are a lot less bitchy. It's just a pity i got lead astray by two absolute shit heads, but i still need to establish a network for myself now i am back and trying to settle into a life. I need to get a decent job, not just something interim before i travel. i want to start getting grounded and developing a life for myself. I am 26, i don't really have that long til i am 30 and at the moment i have barely any savings because i have spent it all travelling and got fucked over with work and the transfer which ended up losing me about a months pay in rent deposits and not getting the settling in loan back which they should have bloody paid me...but never mind.

I just wish i had some motivation to find work, and i really could not be bothered at the moment. I just want to be left alone. I have been writing heaps and using the computer a lot, so the family feels a little neglected. I get tired of mum panicking about every little thing i do and dad not giving a bloody crap and my brother has his problems to deal with - it has been like that for 6 or 7 years though and i want some attention. I need my bloody parents too for fuck sake. I dont need them ignoring each other at my graduation and being like petty immature kids.

I just wish i could put my finger on what it is i do wrong because i am so anti people at the moment it is not funny. I am sick of being the one that gets picked on TIME and TIME again. For once i want a period of my life to be hassle free and to be genuinely HAPPY. There hasn't been too many yet in a sense and it's starting to show. I look tired and old at the moment and not like i used to. I just don't feel like I have any fight left in me to deal with getting fucking picked on.