Rambling

it's a shocker of a night outside. I could swear a branch is going to fall from a tree or something. Glad i am inside a nice warm house.

mum is still giving me the shits, but i guess i will have to get used to it. She seems to need to undertstand everything. I am not 3 years old for fuck sake.

talking about weather or not i scrunch bloody toilet paper and stuff. for christ sake. she doesn't have to know everything right down to how i take a crap.

work is work. Nothing new today. I am not talking because i am sick of being misinterpreted.

man that wind is bad.  The doors are kind of creaking and banging a little from it.....that's not good. but it is an old, albeit refurbished house.

i just wish mum would give me some breathing space, that's all. It only adds to my stress for fuck sake.

I am not in the mood. It is human to want to be left alone without constant harping.

Work today was slow.......i was bored out of my brain. There is too much to take in. I am scared i am never going to remember it all.......oh well. You know, it's funny. Everyone in Japan except for (E) seems to have forgotten me. Part of me still wishes i was over there. I still should be......technically. I am still pretty angry about that stuf and it is hard not to think about it.....ARGGGGGHHHH.

Here's to better times ne.

 

 

headline for this entry says it all. Mum is being a little strange. She is wondering why i am so quiet. I don't understand why i have to talk all the time. Arghh, anyway. Up again at 5am for another week of training. Have my book club meeting tomorrow night - the book i borrowed is overdue a few days already and i am not going to have time to return it until the bloody weekend. Arghhhh. I will have to call the library tomorrow and sort something out if i can. I don't know how to work the online system.  Hmph.

Not much more to write. Been a pretty relaxed weekend. Went out friday night but that was about it.....I just felt like sleepig most of the weekend. Really just need some time to myself. I am sorry if that upsets people so bloody much.

Can't win can you.....anyway, not much else to write. Not lookig forward to getting up at 5am and as it is 11pm now, it's getting pretty much time for sleep again. I can't stop thinking about (j) though. I cannot believe i endured that crap. I still don't understand myself how. It was soooo blatant. ANYONE in their right mind would have been offended, susan and her bloody daughter especially and they are telling me i am too sensitive - go and put up with it yourselves you bloody cunts. - no pun intended there. I am just angry.

This is not good that i am still thinking about it. Damn it. You know i think (p) sensed my fed upness - my 'i can't take anymore setbacks' vibe, because it really was the last straw, the straw that broke the camels back so to speak. It's funny my other past issues are coming back to haunt me as well.....I am just sick of being angry and feeling like i repeatedly fuck everything up. I just have too  much happening and i can not handle anymore stress anymore setbacks or anymore crap. I need to see my doctor, i am actually feeling worse now i have started working again.

Pretty much says it all. It has been crushed too many times. I have been through way too much and it just gets too hard and there are too many things distracting me and that i have to think about, stuff just takes too much energy to cope with at the moment. I am tired of fighting with mum. It's worse now that it is unspoken but i am not going to bite. Just ride it out i guess. Things will change and stuff will get ok again. Probably after they have their holiday in NZ. Hopefully.

I am too tired of everything. The scary thing last night at the play is i actually identified with the suicidal thoughts. I didn't think it possible, but I am even more depressed now that I am at home. I just wanted to talk to my mum and I CAN'T. She never understands me.

They don't want me to feel like a burden and stuff, but by bloody molly codling me, they arre treating me like i am five years old for christ sake. I know they love me, i guess they need someone to take their pissed offedness and frustrations out on as well.

You know what i don't see her making my brother feel guilty for not coming to even visit her in the bloody hospital for god sake. Non of (t)'s kids came to visit either. And i hate men, jesus christ. Do you see how impossible this shit is.

 

saw a really good play today. It was about a young woman who wanted to kill herself and decides to sue her doctor for 'wrongful life'. Her mother had wanted to abort her and she had battled depression etc all her life. interesting, the freaky part of it was i could actually identify with her a little. Feeling like she couldn't talk to her parents etc......but not everything, there was just a line that i totally connected with during the play. 

It is a play about the first ever wrongful life case to get into a court in history - basically a case where the medical profession is sued for preseving a life that isn't meant to be. It's a little tricky to explain. But basically it is an issue doctors are going to have to face - influencing decisions and the quality and meaning of life.

But yeah, it was really good. I enjoyed it immensely. Told mum i was out with some people from work, but i was actually out with (L). Am getting tired of the guilt trip. I know she was sick and i did care, if i came across uncaring i didn't mean it - but like she says to me, you can't presume toknow what someone else is thinking, so she can't presume i wasn't worried about her. I love my family that is the whole point. I am just sick to death of things being so complicated with bloody dad and his wife and the cycle needs to be stopped somehow. If it's harsh maybe, but mum doesn't have to put up with the insults and I am sick of it.  It's not about money, but the way i get treated by them because of certain past events that i was trying to point out and ARGHHH.

She is at the movies, probably upset i didn't go with her. I am sick of feeling like i can't do anything right. It is had enough having to pick up all the pieces again without putting up with dads crap. If i am being stubborn, fine but it's gone on too long and i am fed up. He can sit there and tell me i am the one with the problem and be shitty about a phone call that i didnt even make that happend 8 or 9 months ago, I am not going to keep bloody trying if they are going to be so fucking harsh. There is no way in hell i am ever going to want anything to do with that bitch he calls his wife ever again. ANd if he is going to actually sit there and tell me i need to lighten up about them laughing that i can't bloody have kids then he has another thing coming.

Mum seems a little bored without (t) around. I dunno, she seems to take everything i do so personally. I just want to try and be myself, but i don't know who that is and she wont listen to me try and explain that. All I want is to establish myself.  You know, i was simply trying not to get under their feet, nothing more mothing less. Anything else they are infering is completely wrong.

I am making such an effort but it never seems to count and i get so fuxking frustrated. I wish i had never even bothered trying to explain myself to her at all and this shit wouldn't be draging out so long. it is exhausting. But you know what i don't think i have done anything wrong. I have tried re explaining my comments, yet i don't even think she believes me about what happened in Japan anymore. Because everyone's out to get me right. THAT IS NOT WHAT I WAS EVER EVER EVER SAYING FOR FUCK SAKE>

God damn it I am sick of trying to get through to my parents. It's a losing battle and giving up simply makes them think i am pissed off, no merely frustrated and want to be left alone.

 

 

 

yeah i am starting to realise on my own that this is a big part of my problem, that and i don't exactly have similar experiences to tell people. I dont exactly want to blurt out oh this and this and this and....happened, it's TOO full on and people will thinik i am even stranger than i even am. But i realised something today - i was acting a little weird. I have had so much going on that my concentration has been spread REALLY thin. I am even having trouble in training concentrating because i am constantly worring about fitting in socially. It is an added stress having to start over from SCRATCH again and AGAIN and Again....

Apart from that, things seem to be going ok. The people seem fairly nice. I am getting a lift from one of the other people there to and from work which has been nice.

Am supposed to go to a play tomorrow night, so will have to tell mum. Still feel a little on tenterhooks with her at the moment....but i guess she is just missing (t) her partner or i should say defacto husband.

But anyways.....Things will blow over eventually I guess.

No more writing for now. Will do a decent entry on the weekend when i have a chance for some privacy from a million questions about what i am doing.

 

It was good to start working again, maybe now i can stop letting the family shit get to me and it will blow over ne. Hope so anyways. We didn't do much for the first day - went over basic security info and privacy procedures, background info on the company, watched a couple of videos and had a look at some of the software we have to learn to use for the job. I had a headache afterwards and getting up at 5am with hardly any sleep last night didn't help. Man, I need to relax, hopefully I can do that now that I have started working. I also happened to see (D) on the tram tonight, didn't phase me too much, we didn't make eye contact, but she would have to have seen me, I stood up waiting for my tram stop long enough and there weren't many people. I didn't really get a shock when I saw her. I don't really feel guilty about what happened, I was pretty furious about being lied to by her. I guess it can't have been an easy thing to tell someone though, but still. I did try talking to her about it openly. I gave her a chance. I wish I knew what (L) thought about the situation because she brings it up occasionally, but I don't really want to ask her. It's the past and I would like to feel I have matured and moved on. Maybe she thinks I was a little immature, I dunno. She still sees some of the people I fell out with because of it all - one or two of them anyway.

It was good to feel confident again today. I met a lovely chick called (k) today and there seems to be some pretty nice people in the training group. About 20 or so, which is why we got moved to Mulgrave. Anyways, am pretty knackered, but yeah it was a good day. I want to please mum. She is sad that (t) is away on business. He will be back soon enough.

I have a feeling dad is upset about being told a few home truths, but I was at least HONEST about how i feel around him and his wife. Which is more than I can really say for him. I am sick of making the effort and never feeling like it's good enough.  If he can't be nice then I am going to stop wanting to see him, has he not noticed his own son doesn't even like coming to visit either. It's a little unfair to be so harsh on me for the same thing. He has been sick so he has an excuse right. no, it's always been that way for fuck sake. But he HAS been sick and probably upset i haven't been a lot of support - I wasn't here when he tried to commit suicide - I did ask if I should come home......

Sorry I keep bitching but it is with the hope of improving things. I don't like being pissed off with the family that is the whole point. Anyways, time to finish up. Enough crapping on. I have an early start tomorrow again. Doh. no, it's ok. Only 2 weeks and better than being at home with nothing to do. I realy want to improve my relationship with my brother as well. Ok, enough. Why does nobody love me except (L). I am a sad case. Maybe I should have LOSER stamped on my forehead - kinda like the movie yeah, but at least he stands up for himself, I get sick of having to do it repeatedly and every time i am exposed to a new situation i don't seem to realise it is happening because i am too distracted by everything else going on.

ALRIGHT. goodnight. Happier writing tomorrow, i hope.

 

 

 

 

I can relax for a while. YAY. I guess i just need to give my comments time to heal. I upset them and there isn't much i can do about it.

Mum just doesnt understand me and i am not sure why there is some kind of power struggle going on or something....it's hard to describe. I guess i need to learn to keep my mouth shut. I have a role that people are used to and need to change that over time, it's not going to be an instant fix.  I hate all men is her perception then i guess i will just have to let her have it. It's not true. I know what i bloody fucking went through. It is patronising for her not to listen and then to have this horrible misinterpretation floating around because of the timing and i am sick of having the guilt trip layed on me.

But anyways, first day on the job tomorrow, which is cool. What isn't s cool is having to get up at 5am to go to mulgrave by public transport. Be nice of mum to offer me the fucking car, but i guess i did crash the corolla, which is the joke of  dad's side of the family, never mind the fact i am lucky i wasnt hurt, its fucking hysterical, so is the fact i can't have kids and the stress created for mum...bastard. It was ages ago though, but i am not going to argue about it with her. I really couldn't care less. What irritates me is that she then gets all anxious about me catching fucking public transport. That is infuriating she can't fucking have it both ways.

And her partner feels rejected by me simply because i want to try and fix my relationship with my father. No, i still love him as well. I don't think he i an embezzler or anything, but i guess they have taken my comments to heart. Time and just keep my mouth shut i guess and it will lbow over, but i am getting sick of trying to appease them and make them understand they misconstrued what i was saying. They are too hurt i guess, but i didn't intend it to, not at all if she hadn't fucking jumped down my throat.

oh well, goodnight.

 

arghhhhhhhhhh.

yeah pretty upset after lunch with dad, but he wants to have fathers day with him me and my brother. You know what, even my brother thinks i am the one making things difficult with dad. I dunno. maybe i am. I am sick of feeling picked on by my family and getting so bloody frustrating because they never understand my point of view or it is offensive. I love my dad and i love my brother. I am sick to death of him being a bloody prick. I am the way i am because i get sick of trying to talk to him and not getting a straight answer. I know i have said this a hundred times before, but bloody hell. I am just so tired of the hostility. you kow i have done my best with them. If my brother thinks i am being harsh on dad there is not much i can do about it. I get sick of making the effort and never feeling like i can do anything right. Why should dad and his wife be taking it out on me - i am choosy about who i live with am i, no mum fucking offered. He didn't. If they had gotten the wrong idea about the email they should have taken it up with her. I wish to god i had not even bothered saying anything and just left it alone, because things with dad are really not good despite my efforts. i just get sick of nothing ever being simple with him and his wife.

Seems like no one wants to chat on msn with me. God i can't wait to start working and get away from sitting at this computer bored stupid with nothing better to do than email people. I am sick of not beng able to do anything right. I offended mum and tom more than i meant to and she doesn't want to believe i don't have a problem with men, then there is not much i can do except actually pick up and bring some home.......for god sake i get sick ofnot being bale to do anything right. It is suffocating and frustrating at the same time because the whole  issue with my brother has had SUCH an effect on the family, and she bit my head off before even bloody understanding me for fuck sake.  Anyway, bed time i suppose so goodnight and hopefully it is a while between entries - that is usually a good sign for me.

 

had lunch today and ended up in tears. Basically told him i find things frustrating and never know which way is up with him and his wife and that i was pissed off about the other weekend when she ignored the door. You know, if he can't talk to me about the phone call he got from tom and joel and wants to take it to heart when i have tried asking him then there is not much i can do and yet he has a go at me for not telling people when i am pissed off. UMMMM hello, i am trying to communicate with him but it is a little difficult when i am being insulted about not being able to have kids and seeing a fucking psychiatrist, ignore the door, get upset  with me on the trip when i have no idea why except that i told him mum worries, and stay pissed off at me from the minute we get back from organising health insurance for my holiday. At the time i didn't realise she had written to him and he sits there and tells me i have a problem, yet they keep bringing up the past. It just gets too frustrating. I didn't expect a big fancy trip from him, you know. I am sick of getting upset by them simply because they hate mum so much. Maybe it is me. Perhaps i shouldn't have bothered saying anything to mum or dad about it and just not let it get to me, but you know what i am sick of everytime i see him getting upset and feeling like we haven't really talked and i am never sure why. I am trying to reach out to him and he doesn't seem to give a shit. His response when i told him i was upset about his and (f)'s comments about not having ovaries he told me to lighten up. That only made me angrier.

I can't talk to mum about this anymore either because i don't want to have my comments misconstrued again. I can't help it he upsets me. Hopefully this week will be good. I start working and I will have other things to focus on. Hope things are ok with dad, it didn't seem very good. I was crying and he didn't really seem to care less very much. God only knows i sure as hell will not be seeing his wife for a while, and thats exactly what she wants. It simply makes my relationship with him difficult because he doesn't seem to have a mind of his own. I dunno.....i just want peoples perceptions of me to change. I am quiet because i don't feel like talking and don't feel like mum understands me. I don't want to talk to her because i don't want to upset her and give her the wrong idea.

Anyways, news is on soon, better go and get myself informed.

I am sick to death of this, why do i find it so hard to establish any kind of relationship with anyone. Dad was a great support to (f)'s daughter who has had similar difficulties and all we can do is fucking fight because of his stupid bitch of a wife and the fact they both hate mum. It makes it fucking impossible.

I think i have written enough about how frustrating i find things at home at the moment. Suffocating in a sense. I am starting to feel fat as well. Need to get back into an exercise regime. Swimming or the gym or something. I wish i was still in Japan. I know i was having a shit time, but at least i didn't have to try living up to everyones expectations.

I have a birthday to go to this weekend and i am looking forward to getting away. Yay. It will be nice. My family seems to begrudge me actually having friends. If i spend time with them, i am not making the effort with dad and if i spend time with them and dad then i am not making the effort with mum and i am made to feel guilty for spending time with dad. I am sick to death of this. It is her messy divorce, the pair of them need to stop using their kids as ammunition to have petty digs at eachother.

Anyways, need to go and do some birthday present shopping or maybe just watch some tv. Get off the computer at any stage. I just want to be happy and i NEVER am when i am around my family and i am sick of it. But i always end up messing up when i leave as well. It is too much change to quick and too much to take in, at least that is what the doctor said anyway. God i wish (p) was here. I could do with his advice. But I have (L) which is good. I need to ring (K) as well, dunno her number though. Should have it in an email somewhere i guess. But anyways, that's it for now. Never noticed how much i overuse that word (anyway). it appears quite a lot ne.

I am sick of not being able to do anything right with dad whatsoever. I am always perceived as the difficult one simply because i get frustrated at trying to do the right thing and never actually doing or saying the right thing.

LATER

 yay, got to talk to (p) on msn, miss him like crazy, but it's nice to know he is 'there' if you know what i mean. Anyway, time for a tarot card reading i think.

feeling a little tipsy after dinner, am glad to be starting work next monday. Maybe that will change the focus of what is going on in the family. I think next dinner (j and z) are over will end the tension for good. Maybe not until then will all be resolved. I am never going to change mum's perception. Give it time i guess. There is no more danger of her interfering and maybe my relationship with dad will improve once this has happened for a while.

There seems to be a lot of emotions flying aorund at the moment about my return especially now my brother is doing better, maybe they are upset i wasn't there for him. I did what i could, he never seemed to want to tell me anything and i am sick of not undertstanding why dad is upset with me whenit is mum he is pissed off with. My opinion is not necessarily my mothers.

Anyways, writing this has been therapeutic.  Mum's partner is away in manila next week for ten days, mum is not so happy about this. He works too hard. They have all this stuff going on about them not being married and having their relationship accepted by the rest of the famuly which i think has influenced their perception of me and my comments as well. You know what, mum needs to stop laying all her emotional baggage onto me. i have enough of my own to deal with.

Harsh comment maybe, but it's true. I am sorry i upset her, but it had to be said.

still feeling frustrated.........like i am banging my head against a brick wall. I want a better realtionship with my family that is why i said what i said, i didn't say it to be horrible, but she needs to let me do things for myself.

 

Yeah brunch was ok today, was interesting to see who else from the group was hired. Pretty much who I expected, so yeah. I still feel the news is sinking in. I can't quite believe i have the job. It's nice, but hopefully it will get people focusing on something else now and my outburst will be forgotten about. I just am still finding things really difficult with the parents but they are going to form their own perceptions and i guess it's not going to matter what i say. I just get sick of feeling like i can't do anything right.

I spend time with my friends - mum is upset i was not with her and so was dad. for fuck sake. I really need to not bloody worry anymore. As long as i am happy. I wish (p) was here to give me some advice. I really do. He understood me at least and i didn't have to verbalise it. I probably just have to accept things are going to be difficult family wise for a while.

Starting the new job will give me something to focus on other than that. For god sake, i even got picked on during the fucking tour. I don't need them patronising me. They get upseti dont talk, well I get sick of feeling like they treat me like a 12 year old. It's not about money, but becuase of my comments a while back they are interpreting it as that. Ooooooh i get so frustrated.  The only time i am really happy is when i see the psychiatrist. She at least understands my perspective and doesn't think i am nuts for it.

If mum and dad feel guilty there is not much i can do, but...i am really at my wits end with dad, i've had enough of being taunted by them simply because he is upset at something mum has done and mum needs to stop taking over and let me try do things for myself a little bit. I am not a defenseless baby and i get tired of her emotional blackmail sometimes.

Am staying at a friends house this weekend which will be nice to have some space. I really need to vent, but it is her birthday so probably not the best time and i do tend to harp a little once i start, so best not to.

I really wish (p) was here to talk to. I would love his advice. He told me it wasn't going to be easy and he was right. I haven't been home very long and it was not the most pleasant home coming. Iwish we hadn't gone away for the weekend, because i have basically been upset since. Mum may have a point, my relationship with the men in the famuly has not been the greates, but my point is I want to change that.....for fuck sake. I actually prefer them at the moment to women. They are a lot less bitchy.  Part of me even bloody misses (j) stupid i know...but i can't help it. I miss him, i seem to think about the night a lot especially when i am about to sleep and it happend 6 or 7 months ago now.  But i do need to accpet some responsibility. i didn't have to go back to his house that night and i could have aplogised to dad for the drunken phone call instead of letting it fester. I am being a little harsh maybe, but after the weekend his wife didn't open the door. i hav had enough of feeling let down and never knowing where i stand. That's all.

 

yeah, tomorrow morning i have brunch for the job i start on monday. I am pleased to have found something. It will get me out of the house a little bit and i wont have to worry about being mollycoddled quite so much. I feel a little less tense now whichis good. I am not going to visit dad at his house anymore. I am sick to death of her being such a BITCH to me and my brother. I don't have to sit there and put up with being insulted. I am going to try and go and visit grandma and that though - BY MYSELF. Because I am also getting sick of the fact that whenever i spend time with dad we end up fighting because of ideas bloody fucking bitchface puts into his head and his anger towards mum. He doesn't need to take it out on me. I don't really feel like having lunch with him on Friday. But that is about all he's ever going to get. I will see him at my brothers house and i will see him.

I am looking forward to meeting the other people i will be working with tomorrow. Have to make a good impression, they will probably be looking at how we interact.

I am so sick of feeling like my confidence is being undermined. I just want to be left alone to get on top of things and establish myself again. Of course i am finding it hard, i have just gotten back from overseas and not doing much except looking for work.  I don't think she does it intentionally but mum does generate a lot of anxiety in me. Her expectations and opinions. I hate it. I need to figure out who I am and make my own opinions. It is difficult and i am sick of dad being a bastard. He wont talk to me and i get frustrated because i never understand what he is pissed off about. Maybe i need to try talking to him about it, i dunno if it is worth trying again though. Just give it time or be more subtle when i bring it up.

I should be happy. It's all i want. No drama and family tension. I am going to. I am sick of feeling embarrassed about who i am and like i can't be myself around family and being picked on by his fucking bitch of a wife.

I have a job, yay, yay, i have a job, yay yay yay yay. sorry, getting carried away. I have a guitar lesson friday. hope they don't get upset by that as well. Argh, i am sick of making them feel anxious.

The cycle needed to stop somehow, and hopefully, given time, this will make things easier. I still want my own place. i need to not let bloody bitchfaces opinion get to me so much and if dad wants to be a bloody shithead who never gets involved, then bugger him.

just something else i have been thinking about - i think that is partly what frieked me out. I still think about the night with (j) a lot. Part of me wanted him and another part of me was so angy at him because i knew he was being a complete bastard. I guess it was curiosity, and then i freaked because i didn't want him to know it was my first time.

I can't explain it, but i have never felt a really strong urgency to have sex. I mean yeah i am curious, but not like some of my friends or acquaintances who seem to want to pick up every week/ as much as possible. I guess it's hard to understand something you haven't experienced before ne....but i have always felt that i will know if its the right person or not. It doesn't need to be 'special', just someone decent and who is at least not fucking three others at the same time (stringing them along anyway) like (j) was. Yet at the same time i had never actually considered or wanted to have sex with a boy before, he is the first boy i actually felt even remotely interested in wanting to have sex with. What does that mean. The firt boy who has ever actually kissed me properly, ie - not in a forced or contrived nightclub situation which was basically a pash n dash. I hate being picked on about boys. My family did it and bloody (ta and am) did it at uni. (J) is actually the first boy i  have ever hooked up with kind of properly (ie - he was the instigator) I think i liked the attention and found him attractive and he knew it and played on that and the fact that there was not a lot of other options in the town. He is the first boy i tought was paying some degree of genuine attention to me (one night stand yeah, but all the same....he wanted to sleep with me, he can't of found me repulsive). I think i actually fell for the bad boy act.  It's not that i dont want to have sex, i just dont  have the urge to sleep with everyone and everything i meet. I have always felt i will know when it is meant to happen. I wasn't upset at the time i was making out with him thoug, part of me was enjoying it. I wanted to know what sex was like and he was pretty persistent....i haven't felt that level of attraction before though. And i hate to admit it, but i was attracted to him. A lot. Just a shame he was a bastard.  

Arghhh, i think to much. It is after midnight andi can't sleep. I keep thinking about it before i go to bed, which is not good. I am looking forward to starting work on Monday. Hopefully i meet some cool people there. I should call (L) tomorrow and see if she wants to do something. When is her birthday again? this weekend i think. Cool. A good opp to meet some interesting people. YAY.

 

 

YAY.  Just got offered a job with ANZ this morning, never realy considered banking before, but this seems like a very good professional opportunity. Call Centre for now, but i can move around eventually and it's a good grounding for gaining product knowledge about the company if i wanted to stay long term (ie; 5 years). It should lead to other things hopefully, so yay.

I intend to stay at this one for a while, or at least hope to. The incentives and stuff sound pretty good, so it's a fairly decent role and it will be good to have some money coming in again after almost running myself dry. 

Had my doctors appointment today and she was happy for me too. I have actually found it very helpful and kinda wish i could keep going, but she only wants to see me either monthly or as i need, but yeah.  So a pretty good day, which is nice.

WOOHOO. Now hopefully i will have 'normal' things to agonise over instead.  YAY. I shouldn't think like that i know, but......i just want things to be peaceful and stress free for a while and pleasant.

Thank god for finding something. Finally......don't really feel like i made much effort, but you know it gets hard with everyone wanting you to find something quickly, it takes time.

Had a bit of a talk again with mum, about the whole dad and (f) thing. I love my family and feel bad for taking it out on her, but  the cycle needs to stop somehow, and i think i figured out what it is, so......hopefully things improve, because i have a future, if i can get things on track and i want it to be HAPPY.

 

                     

Day at the footy with dad and my brother. It was ok, but i wish dad would stop with the guilty conscience. I am simply frustrated at never being able to talk to him.  I don't think he is a villain, i think he is frustrating. I never know what is ok and what's not and i get sick of guessing what the problem is.

Hawthorn won against Essendon. My brother goes for Hawthorn and dad goes for Essendon.  Mum is not home at the moment, I hope with time things improve a lot of it will be up to me making an effort though i guess in part.

Have an interview and my doctors appointment tomorrow, so it's going to be an interesting day.

I don't really have much more to write, so i will leave you here.

LATER

been doing some more thinking and you know, realising how much i have upset mum and her partner makes me realise that if that truly was dads reaction to something that mum did to HELP me, without actually bothering to say something and simply get all pissed off he is totally not worth it and i don't need to put up with being insulted by his fucking wife about the fact i am getting counselling and the fact i can't have kids and he NEVER stands up for me (us). She hates us anyway. Why am i beating myself up over it. I wanted his help (not financial and once again he can't because of that stupid neurotic bitch and his own guilty conscience) this is not about my brother it is about his relationship with ME for fuck sake and we don't have one. It totally was not even worth the effort of upsetting mum especially when she was sick. I am feeling pretty guilty about that, but the damage is done now and i am going to look like a right cow if i do something now after blowing up about it. I need to tread carefully for a while i think. I just want it to blow over, and hopefully after another week or two it will. I dunno. I am so tired of trying to please everyone and ending up pleasing no one.  Maybe i should just lay down some ground rules with him, i dunno. It just makes things too hard and i think i can understand why i have had so much problems, i have never known who's side to take and it has just dragged on too long.

 

           

 

yeah, still thinking and pondering. i am sorry if its the same shit being rehashed, it's certainly dragged out a while.  I haven't heard from (g) who i stayed in NZ with, which I am a little disappointed about. A little strange, but maybe she wasn't too impressed about my timing it, not that I actually planned to do it. It looks pretty bad though and I hope she doesn't feel used. I did actually like her and want to see her.

God, mum doesn't know half of this. I didn't even tell her I got picked on during the tour because I am trying to appease them. You see, I feel like I can't do anything. Mum's anxieties really don't help which is all I was trying to say to dad and that pissed him off because...blah blah blah.....oh i am sorry i even tried verbalising it. I really am. I shouldn't have.

But, my doctor says i am doing ok. She has been really good to talk to actually. Hasn't put me on meds, I feel better. It helps to have someone objective to vent to. She has put a clear perspective on things and it's good to try and figure out why i am having difficulties. I don't want to continue that throughout the rest of my life. The first 26 have been pretty hard. For once it would be nice to have peace, and no huge family crises to go through. We have been ripped apart enough and everything always seems to happen at once which just gets too much to cope with.

I guess that's enough rambling for me at the moment, not much else to add really. I think i have said this before, but i am not used to writing an electronic diary. It's going to be strange if and when i ever print it out or get it book bound. Not something i plan on doing straiht away, but i have kept a diary since i was 10, but i am writing in it heaps at the moment. Just shows how much thinking and shit i am doing. You see i wish i had employed this a little bit more on the holiday and in Japan, maybe then it would have been easier to keep my mouth shut about things a bit, but they seemed to have made up their minds to oust me. There wasn't much i could do about it. I just need to learn how to stand up for myself more. I love my family. It is great to be back, I am only sorry it's been under a slight cloud and at a time when mum and (t) were wanting the house to themselves.

Oh well..gnite for now. more later.  

Yeah, hope i haven't . But I felt they needed to hear it. Mum has all this stuff towards me because I mentioned my brothers name. I wasn't trying to say something bad about him in the slightest. Maybe I shouldn't have brought it up again, but she jumped down my throat the minute I tried to explain something to her, which I am sorry i even brought up now, but I am sick of the guilt trip. I hope it doesn't continue much longer. Their anxiety only makes me more fucking anxious.

she has no idea how badly she reacted which probably only made me get more frustrated. arghhhh.....i can't keep trying to please everyone, but i guess hopefully time will help. It's been a month though and they are still upset about it. I wasn't trying to say there was a big war going on for god sake if she had listened maybe she wouldnt have carried it around for so long. I can't relate to the family when that shit keeps making me more anxious.

I know it was bad timing, but what i was saying doesn't mean i don't love the family they can justify the outburst all they want, i was only getting frustrated at being molly coddled. Blogs have been inactive for a while, so i was panicking.

Anyway, hopefully things are ok. I dunno, but some of it is their own feelings of guilt. I don't care, i feel better i said something because the unspoken tension was making me feel worse. It is hard to be there for someone when you have your own shit you are going through for god sake. I don't need the whole family reacting to me as if i am mental because mum cuts me off and doesn't understand what I was saying.

It obviously hit quite a sore point though and I guess after his attempted suicide anything i try to say is going to make her incredibly defensive about him. Nevermind the fact it was something nice i was trying to say.

I have too much free time on my hands......and by the same token she will never understand why sending me to a bloody shrink upset me at first to come home and have her simply conclude straight away that i was nuts really didn't do much for my self esteem so yeah i was getting pissed off. I go away with dad he upsets me so yeah when I find out the reason I was annoyed. FUCK BLOODY FUCK FUCK FUCKING HELL. It didn't feel like she was validating my experience.

I also get sick of them announcing to the whole world I am celiac. I can speak for myself. They seemed a little upset with me today though. I just want this crap over with. You know. mum was sick, dad was annoyed, i am trying to find a job, i want to see my friends. Anything I do seems to upset people and I am sick of it. They need to stop taking it so personally. Not everything i do means I hate them.

I am sorry to keep writing about the same thing......so i keep saying.....here we go again yeah.

Anyway, hope it has put a stop to things, because I need to feel like I can relax and before, I wasn't because i could sense they were upset. I don't feel like I can/could and it was getting a bit much. Mum was reacting to me straight away with oooh she's schizo. I want things to be alright, I am not trying to be deliberately difficult.

Mum seemed ok with it this morning, but things changed this afternoon, and i am wondering how they will be tomorrow, since i am seeing dad. You see this is my point her bloody dislike of my father doesn't need to be attributed to me. She is jealous or i don;t know, that i was thinking about my relationship with him while she was sick. Yeah maybe I was. but that doesn't mean I wasn't there for her as well.

I maybe shouldn't have brought it up, but i don't want her being upset over somehting i never intended to upset her as much as i did, but i guess it's done now. But no they were alright today. Might just take some time. Another couple of dinners. I need to stop being anxious about Wednesday nights though. Give my relationships with dad and my brother time. No, he seems ok with me though. He is just quiet.

It's beena very stressful time for me and if she knew what i came from, then she would understand why this didn't help, the minute i walked in the door. I was jet lagged, tired and on medication if anything i needed to be left alone, not harped on and on at.

 

 

 

 

 

Had a talk with mum tonight and i think it has cleared the air a little. Unspoken tension is awful. Now i hope she stops getting upset at me spending time with dad and that me going to the bloody football doesn't upset them. I have a lot of work to do to improve my relationship with him at the moment i suppose. I am not baring a grudge i just get frustrated at not being able to talk to him. Anyway, feel better and she wasnt angry at me anyways, i was careful not to mention the m word, just said i found him frustrating.

I felt they needed to hear it though. I wasn't accusing them of anything, but i feel like i have no space and can't do anything without them picking at everything. But anyways....

on a brighter note, I have three interviews next week. So hopefully something comes up. I am also hoping that i get the ANZ job though, which would be kinda nice. I was offered a part time position there last year, so who knows, this one could be ok. I tried my best to get involved and be forthcoming. I dunno how many others they interviewed, everyone there was pretty good. Difficult to chose I think. Might depend on the referees. The guts of it is that i think it'll be ok though. I also have an interview with a media company next week. So i need to brush up on my current affairs over the weekend. I will do it Sat night when mum is out for dinner i think, i will be more relaxed. That's all it is, me not feeling relaxed at the moment and that is not good. Anxious and getting more anxious detecting mums anxiety.

i need to stop it ne.

Anyways, i am going to centrelink this week as well, so either way I will have some money coming in. Hopefully i have a job offer by the end of the week though. I have had enough interviews, that i should crack something.  hmmmph.

well, not much more to write. Must say i am writing more now that i have in a while, i mean diary- wise. I have kept a diary since i was ten but it kind of dwindled to only being monthly or weekly entries from once a day for a few years in the beginning. You get the picture a while between entries which means i probably forget to put stuff in it, but i ususally have a pretty good account of my anxieties and concerns at the time. Thats when i write in them the most, when i am having a mini or major crises/problem or issue. There have also been cruches, the whole joel thing - i am still having dreams about that actually. It is hard to determine if i had feelings for him or if i wa manipulated into it, i can't tell....that's why i am still agonising i guess.

alright, enough for now. more later. sorry if i'm boring you.  

 

yeah the heading says it all. maybe i am being a little harsh, but the parents are also feeling a little guilty.....we have all been through a lot. I am just sick of it always being my brother who has had all the attention i know he has needed the extra support, but i still needed my parents too and i just dont feel like i did. its been really hard especially with the hostility between them that was created and there is still a lot of ill feeling about it, because i have stirred it all up by actually daring to mention what people were fearing. I just wish mum would have considered how her message might be interpeted before she wrote it, that was ALL i was trying to say and it has created more ill feeling than i ever intended. I should stop repeating myself i know. And after toms youngest daughter has just told us that her partner's dad has bowel cancer, it has brought up my ill timed outburst again. But mum didnt really give me achance to speak she jumped down y throat and has made the wrong perception. I am sick of feeling intimidated and having the guilt trip layed on me thoug, none of my problems have EVER cmoe first yet and it was hard when i had crap of my own to try and get throug let alone try and be an emotional support to mum at the same time. i did my best. She doesn't need to lay the guilt trip on me 24/7. I have felt like it for a long time and dad taking shit out on me was the last straw. i am fed up. i simply want PEACE for once in a very very very very very long time.  But dad still cant communicate with me despite the fact i have asked him three times. Bugger it. i am not going to keep asking if he wont talk about it and simply keeps ringing his bloody bitch of a wife who hates us anyway and seems to be trying to do everything she can to make me not want to visit him and make dad get upset that i never come. If she isnt answering the door, is it any damn wonder i dont want to visit.

Sorry. it's just on my mind a lot at the moment, that and i am trying to find a bloody job and start to meet some new people because i don't really think i want to see (k) anymore, she is an obnoxious, insensitive little bitch sometimes and i find her hard to talk to. Story of my life, but she never shits up and when she speaks its always to complain about her weight, height, talk about one of her friends that is pissing her off for no real genuine reason except she is an impatient selfish brat. Yeah i guess i dont really like people very much at least so far anyway. i dunno, part of that is just me being sick to death of putting up with being walked all over and putting up with it becuase i am not used to anything else and dont know what to compare it too and dont know what to expect froma genuine friend because i feel like i have never had one, so yeah it makes me cautious and i guess a little standoffish....

more later.   bed time. goodnite