Yeah, hope i haven't . But I felt they needed to hear it. Mum has all this stuff towards me because I mentioned my brothers name. I wasn't trying to say something bad about him in the slightest. Maybe I shouldn't have brought it up again, but she jumped down my throat the minute I tried to explain something to her, which I am sorry i even brought up now, but I am sick of the guilt trip. I hope it doesn't continue much longer. Their anxiety only makes me more fucking anxious.
she has no idea how badly she reacted which probably only made me get more frustrated. arghhhh.....i can't keep trying to please everyone, but i guess hopefully time will help. It's been a month though and they are still upset about it. I wasn't trying to say there was a big war going on for god sake if she had listened maybe she wouldnt have carried it around for so long. I can't relate to the family when that shit keeps making me more anxious.
I know it was bad timing, but what i was saying doesn't mean i don't love the family they can justify the outburst all they want, i was only getting frustrated at being molly coddled. Blogs have been inactive for a while, so i was panicking.
Anyway, hopefully things are ok. I dunno, but some of it is their own feelings of guilt. I don't care, i feel better i said something because the unspoken tension was making me feel worse. It is hard to be there for someone when you have your own shit you are going through for god sake. I don't need the whole family reacting to me as if i am mental because mum cuts me off and doesn't understand what I was saying.
It obviously hit quite a sore point though and I guess after his attempted suicide anything i try to say is going to make her incredibly defensive about him. Nevermind the fact it was something nice i was trying to say.
I have too much free time on my hands......and by the same token she will never understand why sending me to a bloody shrink upset me at first to come home and have her simply conclude straight away that i was nuts really didn't do much for my self esteem so yeah i was getting pissed off. I go away with dad he upsets me so yeah when I find out the reason I was annoyed. FUCK BLOODY FUCK FUCK FUCKING HELL. It didn't feel like she was validating my experience.
I also get sick of them announcing to the whole world I am celiac. I can speak for myself. They seemed a little upset with me today though. I just want this crap over with. You know. mum was sick, dad was annoyed, i am trying to find a job, i want to see my friends. Anything I do seems to upset people and I am sick of it. They need to stop taking it so personally. Not everything i do means I hate them.
I am sorry to keep writing about the same thing......so i keep saying.....here we go again yeah.
Anyway, hope it has put a stop to things, because I need to feel like I can relax and before, I wasn't because i could sense they were upset. I don't feel like I can/could and it was getting a bit much. Mum was reacting to me straight away with oooh she's schizo. I want things to be alright, I am not trying to be deliberately difficult.
Mum seemed ok with it this morning, but things changed this afternoon, and i am wondering how they will be tomorrow, since i am seeing dad. You see this is my point her bloody dislike of my father doesn't need to be attributed to me. She is jealous or i don;t know, that i was thinking about my relationship with him while she was sick. Yeah maybe I was. but that doesn't mean I wasn't there for her as well.
I maybe shouldn't have brought it up, but i don't want her being upset over somehting i never intended to upset her as much as i did, but i guess it's done now. But no they were alright today. Might just take some time. Another couple of dinners. I need to stop being anxious about Wednesday nights though. Give my relationships with dad and my brother time. No, he seems ok with me though. He is just quiet.
It's beena very stressful time for me and if she knew what i came from, then she would understand why this didn't help, the minute i walked in the door. I was jet lagged, tired and on medication if anything i needed to be left alone, not harped on and on at.