Rambling

Jul 28, 2005 at 04:00 o\clock

Home Again

mmmm,

home again, jiggity jig jig. Fun and giggles.....looking for work at the moment, going to go and try and visit some recruitment co's tomorrow i think. I may be able to get my old job back if possible, which would be great for now, while i do other things. Had mum's partners family over for dinner last night which was good. Hopefully things get back to normal or whatever soon. I guess it needs time and for me to keep my mouth shut and not worry so much about what other people think.

The holiday was great though as i keep saying. Am getting the pics developed today - so they should be ready tonight. Fingers crossed anyhow. Full steam ahead into the job hunting.

I have a doctors appointment on the 1st, which i am kind of looking forward to. Good to have someone objective i can talk to instead of people with all their "stuff". This family has been though a lot, it would be nice to be normal and relaxed for once and feel like i have some stability.

 

 

Jul 22, 2005 at 23:41 o\clock

Last night- on to Christchurch.

We had our last night party. I still haven't figured out group dynamics and politics yet i guess. I let people get to me too much, but today is the last day so i don't have to worry about it after this.

Anyway, for the most part it's been fun. I have done some cool activities - hang gliding, skiing, luge......seen some cool stuff and i have a couple more days with (G) to go which will be nice. I am looking forward to seeing her again. Should be cool.

I still have heaps of stuff about (J) going through my head. Still wish i hadn't made such a mess of things, but it's always the way i react - i let things go until it reaches absolute crises point and that just makes things nastier and i get too upset.

But anyway, not much else to write at the moment.

We had our last night party which was kind of cool. I did my best to have a good time anyways....

Alright, enough crapping on. I am home in a couple of days and then i will be stressing about looking for work. Not relishing the prospect of that.....

 

Jul 20, 2005 at 05:09 o\clock

In Queenstown......

Holiday is almost over.  Am kind of wishing i hadn't come on the tour alone. I have made one good friend though, at least for now. I guess I am just not a big group people kind of person. I don't like talking very much and but at least this has been a learning experience. Someone who will still be my friend when they know i am being picked on is wortha dime a dozen. I just don't know why i seem to get it all the time. Women are bitches. People always need someone don't they. I just get sick of it ALWAYS being me when it comes to group situations. I am not unattractive - people have told me this a lot, I am short and i am quiet.......People are fine with me one on one, but put me in a group and....arghh. Maybe i am just a boring conversationalist.....I dunno.

Anyways, despite that - the holiday has had some cool stuff to do. Got to go skiing yesterday, which was awesome fun. Downhill, which was cool. Hang gliding today and heaps of other cool stuff i have seen and done. I will put some pictures up when i can get myself organised. There is some beautiful scenery here. It's a pretty cool country. Have gotten to see the Haka performed a few times, which was kinda cool. Have bought some jade - one of my necklaces went missing , which is a bit of a shame, but i guess it's only money - and I have spent way too much lately..... I need to look for a job when i get back which i am stressing about. I am going home with under what i like to feel comfortable in the bank.  But i figure, i am not going to enjoy myself if I worry about how much i am spending and shit, it's not worth it. 

Alright enough rambling for now. I should probably head back to the lodge. Will write more later.

 

 

 

Jul 20, 2005 at 05:09 o\clock

In Queenstown......

Holiday is almost over.  Am kind of wishing i hadn't come on the tour alone. I have made one good friend though, at least for now. I guess I am just not a big group people kind of person. I don't like talking very much and but at least this has been a learning experience. Someone who will still be my friend when they know i am being picked on is wortha dime a dozen. I just don't know why i seem to get it all the time. Women are bitches. People always need someone don't they. I just get sick of it ALWAYS being me when it comes to group situations. I am not unattractive - people have told me this a lot, I am short and i am quiet.......People are fine with me one on one, but put me in a group and....arghh. Maybe i am just a boring conversationalist.....I dunno.

Anyways, despite that - the holiday has had some cool stuff to do. Got to go skiing yesterday, which was awesome fun. Downhill, which was cool. Hang gliding today and heaps of other cool stuff i have seen and done. I will put some pictures up when i can get myself organised. There is some beautiful scenery here. It's a pretty cool country. Have gotten to see the Haka performed a few times, which was kinda cool. Have bought some jade - one of my necklaces went missing , which is a bit of a shame, but i guess it's only money - and I have spent way too much lately..... I need to look for a job when i get back which i am stressing about. I am going home with under what i like to feel comfortable in the bank.  But i figure, i am not going to enjoy myself if I worry about how much i am spending and shit, it's not worth it. 

Alright enough rambling for now. I should probably head back to the lodge. Will write more later.

 

 

 

Jul 8, 2005 at 09:02 o\clock

first night in auckland

well, am here finally. Feeling a little nervous about the holiday, however it should be fun. Mum and (t) dropped me off, at the airport which was good. I am glad i am giving them a break for a while. Mum has been stressed and i feel a little bit bad for getting under their feet. I have been a little moody, but i can't please everyone and its time i learnt to stop trying to do things for everyone else - despite what people in the family might think. It's how i feel anyway. At the moment, maybe not when i get back - who knows

The flight was ok. There is a big rugby game on while i am here, so there are lots of tourists around. I am apparently staying in a street that is known as the red light district........hmmmm. no it seems ok so far and its only for a night.

I am meeting (je) my flat mate from last time i was in Japan. This is going to be interesting to see how it goes. I don't have a good feeling but.....I am also seeing (G) who lives in the South Island, which i am looking forward to. Haven't heard from her in a while though which is a bugger.

My aikido article is up and running as well. I have had quite a few hits on it, which is cool.

Anyway, enough for now. i suppose.  It is good to be away. The doctor is also helpful, i am just a little embarrassed or at least i was at first anyways. But she has been very good at helping me to flesh things out.

AFTER DINNER - shit, the bitch really doesn't like me. She has never taken any interest in me or anything i do at all. Not even remotely. Her and bloody (ka) both hated me and that happened since tokyo - if they thought i was copying them they are wrong, it's a free country. I should be able to do whatever i like. Tourists go to fucking tokyo - i was near the end of my contract I wanted to see it. I had no idea what dates they were even fucking going. I am sick of feeling like she is competing or jealous. She has no need to stab me in the back with everyone else. NO ONE in Japan liked me at all. They don't keep in touch with me. I don't even hear from (kr) anymore. (je) is an insincere lying bitch. I wasn't deliberately copying her or anything. i don't know what it is but i obviously rub her up the wrong way. (Ka) must have said something or written something - WHY does it matter. All i wanted was to see some "friendly" faces. Have i ever actually made a fucking genuine friend at anything i have tried? So yeah, not a success. I am tired of feeling so fucking lonely. It was two girls who turned on me for a very pathetic reason. For god sake, does it matter if i went to the same city as them, but the thing is i MUST do it a lot and not really realise it. It is my way of establishing a rapport, you find things in common with people. I am trying to take an interest, but i guess i am doing it the wrong way. I must have been pretty upset about things. I thought people cared about me. The only ones i didn't like were (je and ka).  But anyways.....i should try not to let it spoil my holiday. I should not have even bothered looking her up.

 

 

Jul 1, 2005 at 12:43 o\clock

Can't wait for my holiday

I have been back a month and already family shit is getting on my nerves. All because mum panicked and decided to run around telling everybody i may or may not have something i don't have.

I came home after a bad experience, which no one has actually talked to me about. I can hardly even relate to my own family because of the bloody tension between mum and dad.

There is still a lot of ill feeling going around about what happened. I guess - people are still very sensitive to what happened. Why am I worrying so much. My brother makes no effort to go and visit or call Grandma etc and all of a sudden i want nothing to do with my family simply because i don't like dad's wife. It's not actually true. I am not holding a grudge I want to mend the bad relationships. Mum's fucking email to dad didn't help things. His wife never goes to visit his family either and my brother doesn't like going to visit when she is there either.

I have been away and all my family can do is get pissed off. Mum and (t) are pissed of because they haven't had the house to themselves. Dad and (f) are pissed because they are worried mum was asking them for money again. My brother i find hard to talk to. I try and show interest he never seems very responsive. He is doing a lot better and I am happy for him about that.  I wish i had a better relationship with him.

So yeah i need a holiday to get away from the family crap. I am looking forward to it.

I am trying to be supportive of mum, but i feel like she is rejecting my efforts. I didn't even know she was going to the doctors when all of a suddeni come home from the shops or a walk or something and ooh she has had a cancer scare. I don't know how i am supposed to react. I am anxious about how much people know, mum is emailing dad which has pissed them off and my brother i don't know how to talk to.

mum had a go at me today because she thinks i am making up conspiracy theories or something. It's not what i was trying to say, but i obviously upset her because she is hyper sensitive about the (my brother) issue. I just dont feel like i can do anything right at the moment. All I wanted was peace and quiet and rest. They get upset that i am trying to get myself back out there and at the same time get upset if i dont make the effort. They can't have it both ways.