Rambling

Sep 18, 2012 at 12:34 o\clock

Plodding Along

I think I have used this heading before....oh well. It seems to fit at the moment. More babysitting of the nieces and nephews which has been good. I had an interview with temp agency last week. Not heard back. Have an interview tomorrow for a role which is pretty similar to what I was doing before I moved home. Could be good if the team is nice people. I didn't mind the actual work. I just got lonely. Slight paycut but I guess cost of living is a bit lower here and really it gives me time to look for something else while I have some money coming in again. It's been 2 months since I stopped work so I am feeling a bit over doing nothing. The role is a 12 month contract so I can keep applying for internal stuff or just use the time to look elsewhere if I really don't like it. Fingers crossed for me that I get it.....

Sep 6, 2012 at 14:18 o\clock

Back Home

So I have moved back home. Am now unemployed again and job hunting for something I am really going to like. Hopefully I stick at it. Been a while since I wrote an entry and I just read my last one and it is pretty disgusting. I have been thinking about those two guys still. Probably because I have so much free time at the moment. Not as bad as it was before I moved or a couple of weeks ago. I am not crying at random times anymore which is good. The crying had started up again a little while ago which was strange - it's been a couple of years since I cried about it I think. Don't really remember crying as much except for when it was actually happening.

I also found some old uni friends on facebook not long ago. Been 12 years since I saw them last. Didn't add them. I feel like a total social failure at times.

But in other news. I had a holiday in the US for 2 weeks which was awesome. Went to New York and Boston and Philadelphia. I had a blast. Saw the Yankees play baseball at Yankee Stadium, went to the theatre and a comedy show. Shpping, Central Park, Empire State Building etc. All great fun. Really glad I went. Was quite depressed before I left.

Have helped babysit my stepdads grand kids a few times as well which has been fun. They are great kids. One of them has just starte dschool this year and is loving it.

Ok enought from me. Wish me luck job hunting.

Jul 8, 2012 at 12:12 o\clock

Thinking Thinking Thinking

 I keep thinking of the things they said to me and what happened. Can't believe I put up with it for so long.....how did I feel safe and scared at the same time. 

"men like to dominate"

"men like innocence.......she has something she wants to keep and he wants to take it.....if she is innocent OMG he wants her"

"suck it"

"I'm gunna have to keep asking cos you're next"

"do you want to go home and f.>**"

"do you want to f** j?"

"do you swallow?"

"how often do you diddle yourself?"

"you do know I don't like it"

"are you a good girl or a bad girl?"

"can I touch your t**ts?"

" I'm gunna ask you a question....if..(m)..got his d.** out and put it in your face would you suck it?"

 "j said he's going to f*** your cookie, how do you feel about that?"

"punch me"...."I'm gunnna go like this (hands move towards my cructch) and I'm not gunna stop until you punch me

"I want to go there"

"Am I going to get to kiss you...ever?"

"dingo"

"(y) you look good on your knees"

"Oh I wanna f** (a)"

"I'm d....k...g his wife"

- offering me a choice between his student or me as a booty call

- trying to grope me.

- "who do you want jumping your bones right now"

"do something sexual"

- asking the office staff to go and f** in the toilets

-  me "it's not really going to stop is it"....... (t)"nope"

- nearly burning me with a cigarette lighter. 

- urinating on the bosses jacket

- trying to grope me in the back of the taxi

- telling me they would make the risk game a stripping game and that they bet I would be down to my panties. 

- Having a bet going beteween then as to which one I would end up sleeping with. 

- talking about their conquests in the office - in detail  "Oh oh I like gaijin oh god"..."I had sex with two women this weekend"...."I'm screwing a 32 year old at the moment"....."I had great sex last night"..."when are we getting married"...."she left a toothbrush......"have you ever been caught out cheating during or just after?"...."yep both". 

- taking my phone, enjoying making me uncomfortable and messing with me.

"grab my nuts".... "anytime you wanna grab my nuts, that's ok by me".

- other little things to try gauge my interest. Little private conversations about their target(s).

- not understanding I had celiac and that I couldn't eat certain foods. 

I just see a really cruel person who knew he was doing something awful, knew I was shy and that it would upset mel and didn't care.  It is 7 years ago now and I still think about it and what happened - it has had an effect on me. I haven't covered things in great detail but I do remember feeling frightened of them especially the night after playing risk and the night up at the school with (t) and (j) just before the 'hook up' happened. Feeling totally helpless in the taxi on the way to the movies. Being upset after the christmas party. 

On other notes, one more week left of work and then two more before I move back home again. 

Yay. Should be good. I am looking forward to it. My neighbour has been renovating the bathroom this weekend and I have a headache from the noise. 

 

Jun 29, 2012 at 15:25 o\clock

Back home

Well, have given notice at work and am back in my home city for a visit at the moment.

Thinking about J and what happened in Japan a lot lately. Strange because it is some years ago that things happened. I guess maybe it's because I feel like I have failed in Sydney and am just going back to another time when things didn't work out.  I will miss the choir, the weather, the beach and the prettyness of the city but I think it is the right decision to come home. I just really want to find a job I am going to be happy in. Work were a little disappointed but eh, I have been unhappy there for so long it is ridiculous.

Tried to see some temp agencies - managed one. No other agencies got back to me. Grrr. Annoying. I will need to target companies directly instead I guess as I just don't seem to have a lot of luck with agencies. It really is a lot more difficult to find a job these days. The interviews are much harder. I am used to not taking very long to find something so this is proving very difficult and hard not to get down hearted at times.

Back to J. Not sure why I am thinking about him. Little things he said keep playing over in my head as well as that night. Perhaps it is because I am still grappling with my conflicting emotions about it all. Maybe I just can't come to terms with the fact I liked him and he was a total b**d to me and he didn't care how uncomfortable, shy and at times frightened, I was. Didn't care about me at all, just enjoyed picking on me. I have started sobbing again when I think too much about it. I look at the public facebook memorial page his brother set up.... I can't understand the nice comments on the page. I never saw that side of him. I saw a drunk, drug ruined, nasty, arrogant, horrible person. Then I think about what happened after I got transferred and the teachers isolating me and not talking to me and how awful that was when I was still getting past what the boys did.

Maybe I just have too much time to myself to think. I have come a long way since it all happened. I can't believe I didn't just leave the company without saying a word and then it probably wouldn't have been as drawn out and traumatic. I think of things I wish I had done differently - like walked away at times or something.  But then I think no - they knew by me saying "no" and "stop" etc and the expression on my face that I didn't like it and was uncomfortable. It didn't make any difference what I or anyone else said. It didn't stop them and they always found a way to manipluate me into not storming off at the actual time they did it. I don't like knowing that I put up with it for so long and that it happened at all really. I feel like a different person and at times it is hard to relate to what I was like. I know it happened, but at the same time it is too horrible and I wish it was all a bad dream and didn't happen.

In other news, I caught the train down. 11 hours. Arrghh. read my kindle most of the trip and the lady sitting next to me showed me how to do a pearl stitch with her knitting. Not sure I will remember how to do it, but it was good to get a practicse as my skills are limited to scarves at the moment and it would be nice to be able to do something more complex.

May 27, 2012 at 09:41 o\clock

Moving soon.....again.

Well,

Been a while since I updated. I made the decision a few months ago to move back to my home city. Just too lonely here. Had a drinks night after work and my old boss was there. The one I thought I fancied. Didn't really end up speaking beyond hi and bye. I got sick of people being really clicky and felt uncomfortable so I left pretty quickly after one drink. I think I wrote that he agreed to a lunch and then didn't reply ever again after I said yes. Well he ended up pretty much doing that to me twice so I was in no mood to make much of an effort to get his attention, I just ignored him. Cried going home and had a shit weekend feeling sorry for myself. Made the decision on the Monday when I got back to work that I had had enough. 

In happier news I performed with the choir again and it was so much fun. Such a great atmosphere when the orchestra and opera australia and the choir are all together. I will miss it. 

No man on the scene. Nothing new there. I am really at the point I have resigned myself to it just not happening for me. I'm 33 now. Sometimes I find it hard not to be upset that I missed the excitement of a boy asking you to the school dance, first proper kiss, first dates. Would be nice to find that special someone who actually wants to be with me and for once not do things all by my bloody self. I don't know what it's like not to be single. I try to stop dwelling on it though because it's too depressing. 

Perhaps when I have my own place - hopefully soon. I might look at foster parenting or something. Not like I can have my own kids anyway due to the turners syndrome.

In other news,  I have been home sick all week and most of the weekend. So the TV has had a good workout. I also started thinking heaps about T and J and what happened in Yonezawa. I checked out the facebook page dedicated to J (he died in a climbing accident while I was in Canada). Just wish things had been different. He was an a&*(L* to me, but there were moments I really felt like I could talk to him. In a funny way I did like him. I don't think he changed much though. He was still on and off with this girl he grew up with and shagging anything in a skirt. He did move to Nigata so I think they must have got a bit more serious. She must not have found out about the four he was banging at the same time as her when I was around. Or else she didn't care. I guess I keeo trying to make peace and find some good in him. Hard when he just did not care how upset and hurt I was. The stuff in Japan happened like 7 years ago and he died 5 years ago. I still think about it and I still end up crying out of frustration when I remember that time. Because I remember feeling embarrassed, uncomfortable and scared but I also remember funny times. It messes with my head. 

I guess having so much time to myself has made my brain a little overactive. 

Glad I am pretty much over my cold now. 

Not long til I quit my job. Probably 3 weeks or so. The tricky thing is my boss will be on annual leave so I am not sure how much notice to give. They will need to replace me, but I only have to give 2 weeks. She wont be around to do interviews for new team member. 

Other than that, I go in to hospital soon for my celiac. Must have been eating gluten unkowingly because I had some bad blood teast results. 

Anyways that is probably all for now. Oh I have been off facebook for three months now. Go me.