I Don't Recall Breaking Two Mirrors

Dec 6, 2004 at 18:34 o\clock

My old friend, depression

by: dedgekko

Mood: melancholy
Listening to: nothing

My old friend, depression, has come a-knocking' again. I'm not surprised because it's usually lurking around the corner just waiting for me to slip up. It's not because of the season either because I'm managing to do what I need to do. I wanted to get a small tree for my mother and I found one Saturday and decorated it with small red bows so it would have a natural look. I was very happy with it and I have swallowed all of the moods I've had about letting my youngest do the other decorating. She has run around here doing anything she wants, defying me, left and right and to the point that I feel totally useless as a mother. It's too bad too because she has nice decorating sense, but when you tell a kid to wait and they move things around and do what they want it defeats everything. Punishing her is a joke too. She's a difficult child and that's that.

So today I can see my psychiatrist since we are the bipolar bunch and tell her what a joke these medications are. I had to double my dosage when my mother died and they make you balloon all up like you've eaten everything in sight. And that makes me feel very depressed. Living in a country like this where a person is constantly judged for their outward appearance is so depressing. So, honestly, I feel like wrapping myself in a blanket and taking a bunch of valiums and the hell with the world. Or better yet, visiting the packy and getting some white russians though they may reek havoc on my gallbladder. Eh...what difference does it make? It all sucks.The best part about it is I will do neither, except maybe wrapping myself up in a blanket because it is cold.

I want to be happy and do happy things, christmasy things too. I want to bake cookies and make stupid decorations so I can recapture some feeling from my lost youth and I want to join my neighbor in raking leaves into the street and then standing in them while cars approach. I want to go out in the car and drive nowhere and sing Ozzy Osbourne tunes at the top of my lungs and I just want to feel okay again, in contol and not feeling like I am going insane. I'm sick of appearing so blasted normal on the outside while inside I am messed up.  All you normal people, tell me what it is like to be that way. What is it like to do whatever you want to? Drop me a comment, please. 

Comments for this entry:

  1. earthquakeweather wrote at Dec 8, 2004 at 16:57 o\clock:I cannot particularly say what it\'s like to be normal, because I\'m one of the few eccentrics left around... if I bowed down to the great labelling world, I would certainly be described as schizotypal, with some form of formal thought disorder and compulsive mania as well. But I just think that I am independently minded and like to contort words. What do you think it is that yiu don\'t just go off and drive nowhere? Is doing what you want reliant on your being happy before you do it? :(
  2. dedgekko wrote at Dec 10, 2004 at 00:01 o\clock:That\'s a good comment. It made me think and I admit there are times when I am stuck here and and then I feel as if I can get nothing accomplished. I think I should try to just go somewhere without worrying about the consuquences. Thanks.

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