I Don't Recall Breaking Two Mirrors

Mood: happy
Listening to: ozzy

This weekend my daughter and I went out to buy Cds after dark. Truly a rare occurence since I drive very little after dark. I bought Ozzy's new box set and my daughter got 50 cent Massacre, with the promise to listen to it with headphones only. That's the last thing I need is my father wanting to know what is she listening too. I still remember back when I was a kid listening to Pink Floyd's 'The Wall'  lp and the song "Mother" had the lyrics 'mother do you think they'll try to break my balls'. My father almost killed me for bringing that trash into his house. I mean that figuretively, of course. Maybe it's a Godsend that he's lost alot of his hearing.

Had a nice Easter though. Went out in the yard and raked off the layer of leaves that the snow had uncovered and really took joy in seeing what shoots had come up. My sneakers got covered in mud and this is my spring christening. Sitting out back picking mud out of the cracks of my sneakers. One day I'll learn to keep an old pair of sneakers for the garden.

Mood: blah but improving

Woke up to see that very little snow had accumulated and even though it was still snowing it didn't take a genius to add up that we weren't going to get the amount that the weatherman said we were going to . I was happy about that. A little too happy though. You see, mania has started creeping back in to my personality slowly but surely. It has started to show up in the morning because I don't have any medication in my system yet and I was always a morning person. They used to love me at my last morning job. I used to open up the store and been done with my work while everyone else was just walking in and I would have all this energy and I really enjoyed myself and my work. I still miss the people and the job. Anyway, this morning I was laughing and having a great time telling my poor father all about something or other (I can't even remember) and blabbing about this and that. Luckily he didn't even notice it but I did, so I took my pills and did the dishes and decided to call my sister and talk some more and laugh some more. An hour later I did some house cleaning and I got a huge headache because being manic is kind of like the feeling you get after you've had a few too many beers or glasses of wine or whatever. Sometimes after the really great time and all the crazy laughing your brain just says it's had enough and it poops out on you. So, I've had this crappy headache. And Tylenol doesn't help and I can't take anything stronger, so I've tried heat packs and that made it worse and now I have cold packs which are helping somewhat. Serves me right for having such a good time, I still am at a point where I could have controlled myself by not talking to anyone and just sat down and read a book. Well, I guess every so often I still put myself in the position of guinea pig to see what happens.

Mood: happy

I feel slightly sick right now. I'm not sure why. I didn't eat too much and turned away dessert, a chocolate cake that my brother had picked up at the bakery. Maybe it's the feeling of knowing we're having another snowstorm that is making me feel like this. Hmmm...whatever it is, it will pass. I finished reading my book this morning at 5 a.m.  I woke up too early and didn't feel like getting up so I read the rest of it. It ended sadly, I wished the title character had found more happiness in his life but that's the way it was meant to be be. I recommend the story highly and I am going to read her first novel too because it received even higher awards. Now I will be taking a few days break from reading because of Easter and the need to do a little extra cleaning. I tend to fall into that spring cleaning routine anyway. I have developed extra energy because the Depakote has been leaving my system and it is very strange what is happening to me. I can remember my dreams again and have very strong emotions again.  In a nutshell, I am alive again. It's really incredible and you can't even imagine it unless you've been through something like this. I've missed being in touch with myself for years. Before I could tune out my inner voice and not listen to my true emotions and they would be left drowning below the surface as my Depakote world would glide silently over them. Now, I stand here and say to myself, "HEY FATTY!....LOOK WHAT YOU"VE DONE TO YOURSELF. I GUESS YOU'VE GOT A LOT OF WORK TO DO TO GET ALL OF THAT WEIGHT OFF, HAVEN'T YOU?" It's getting really hard to ignore that voice now, especially when I know it's true. Well, I've got to get a drink of water as I've been working at this computer too long and my legs need a stretch. Bye

Mood: happy

Today I had to go to Staples to by a new protracter because my daughter broke the one I had in a fit of frustration. I wasn't in the store about five minutes when I had to go to the bathroom. You know the feeling, like if you don't get to go RIGHT NOW...everyone within three hundred yards is going to wish they had never been born! Thank God they are nice enough to put in public restrooms. Anyway, after relieving myself I decided to buy two daily lesson planners for next school years because they can be hard to come by. They were on the shelf that was situated slightly higher than my head and when I was trying to pick through the various pretty colors two of them slid down off the shelf and slammed me in the mouth. All of this happened in front of the store clerk who , of course, had to ask me if he could help me with anything. Sure, tape my mouth up and give me the books for free! Aside from the embarressment I finished buying my stuff and then went out the door to be faced with the odd feeling of not knowing which car was mine since there weretwo cars like mine. I knew which one was mine but there was this sensation that it might not have been. It's the pills doing this. It was kind of strange though and my head felt weird. I was glad when I got home.

Mood: ok
Listening to: Adventures With Buster

Today was another day filled with amazement. I got to up the dosage of my medication again and about an hour after I took it, it hit me like a brick***BAM****and then I felt a little but nauseus. It passed quickly though because we couldn't stop laughing at the 'International Male' catalog that had come in the mail. My brother gets tons of catalogs because he buys from the King Size catalog. If you have ever seen the International Male catalog then you know what I mean****pink shoes?.....okay......

I spent most of the day hiding from my daughter and reading a book I started last night. It's called, 'The Namesake' by Jhumpa Lahiri. I have enjoyed it so far. It's very engrossing and I've been able to escape this insane asylum for awhile.

Finally the first day of Spring! This has seemed like a very long winter season. We had a very nice day here in New England, sunny and temps in the 40s. My daughter came back home today acting all sweet too. She wanted to show me the presents she had bought for the little girl down the street who was having a birthday party. She can be such a nice little girl when she wants. Sort of like Dr. Jeckyl and Mr. Hyde. It didn't take 30 minutes for her to change when I reminded her she needed to have something to eat before heading out for the afternoon to a friend's house. She finally agreed upon a slice of bread      ( I still think she was switched at birth)   . I tried my best to ignore her behavior and just focus on the fact that she ate something, anything. My dad has been coaching me on trying to ignore her since he has noticed she is really challenging me and it is really a power struggle. So, since I can't control her I have to learn to control myself. You'd think I'd have learned how to do that by now seeing as I am 40. Maybe I shouldn't have spent those first 36 years screwing around. Go figure.

Mood: ok
Listening to: ozzy-Hellraiser

Aaahhh.....a day filled with nothingness. Is there such a word? Well, there is now. Talked online to a friend overseas for three hours this morning, played video games, ate lunch, washed dishes, more computer, more video games, more laziness, ate dinner, more videos and more computer, a little cleaning of my daughter's bedroom and that is all I have done ALL DAY LONG! and I don't care.........I did call my husband's to see how my daughter was and of course she is fine now, thank God, but I just wish the weekend would last a little bit longer. Tomorrow I will do the housework I didn't do today. I also need to decide eventually whether I am going to continue to homeschool her or not. I checked some of the tuitions of private schools here and they are all in the $23,000-$25,000 a year range. That's a giant OUCH! Don't know about you but my husband works in a factory and I went to a public school. I've homeschooled her for three years succesfully and can continue to do so if she doesn't drive me insane first or I can send her to the evil public schools and subject her to the roll of the dice....hmmmm...I don't know what to do. You know, either way, she'll hate my decision and everything will be my fault, so I guess it doesn't matter, I should do what is for her best interest since she is not thinking clearly enough for her own good. I'm glad I wrote this.

Oh my goodness..what a day this has been. First of all, my medication has been okay. I started at one pill a day for three days and upped it to two today and so far so good. In the meantime I have had to lower the dosage of my other medication because I will be discontinuing it. The only problems with it is that I occasionally use the wrong word for things and my typing really sucks at time.  

But the medication for my daughter is another story. I am still not sure of this. I wish I knew if I was doing the right thing or not. The Ritalin seemed to really help her at first. She became alot more relaxed, 98 % of the time. The only time she wasn't was when she didn't understand her math assignment and even then she didn't throw a giant tantrum. But today she woke up with a headache. I told her to just take it easy and we would have a relaxed day. After all, everyone has sick days now and again. She is such a perfectionist, she insists on schooling every single day, even when sick.  Unfortunately we have a few tests on Friday. She got one wrong on her spelling test. This set the stage for a huge meltdown. I couldn't find her math test book (I must have hidden it but can't even remember doing so or where)so I had to write the test out of the teacher's key. In the meantime I told her to study but she insisted she knew it all. So after I had finished I went outside to throw some snow around my driveway to get it to melt faster but I wasn't out there five minutes when she was knocking at the window. She couldn't understand a question. I explained that if she got the previous one and knew the formula for the circumference of a circle she could get the answer to this question too. Well, I guess this was the wrong thing to say and once again I wished I had never been born. The screaming started, the crying, the throwing of various items, the threatening to kill herself and even tearing hair out!! I had enough!!!!!!! I called the doctor. I called my husband. I yelled for my other daughter to come and help me. I needed someone to see what this girl was doing. Of course if you fast forward even fifteen minutes it seems like nothing had happened but I felt like I had aged a HUNDRED years. The doctor said to watch her. She is over my husband's house this weekend and all I can say is, thank God because I feel like I am going to have a  heart attack.

Mood: what difference does it make

This is day two for the ritalin and so far so good. I am afraid to become optimistic  though. Too many times I have been burned by optimism, only to have my feelings stomped on and my emotions smashed to the floor. I am going to follow the advice of AA and take it one day at a time. I saw my own therapist today too. Got into a good rant about things and how my medication sucks and depression is a daily occurence, blah blah blah. So, we came to the conclusion that my medication at this current dosage is not going to work and at a higher dosage I will just eat myself into a coma, so we are going to try a new medication (for me anyway) Guess what...I already have the medication in my house because it's the Topamax that my daughter couldn't take. So tomorrow morning I'm going to try the Topamax. So, if it kills me, thanks for reading my little blog of insanity.  And if it doesn't kill me maybe it will cause me to lose my appetite and then I can drop a million pounds and win the lottery and go on a round the world cruise with (hmmm, let's see....)Donald Trump, eh maybe, it would be interesting to pick his brain but there are other people I'd rather be stuck with but I can't think of their names at the moment because my daughter is trying to pick a fight with me so I will leave the room and she can then hijack the computer. Another typical night in my household.

Today we ventured to the doctor during the snowstorm. I was hoping we could get there and back before the snow but it wasn't meant to be. Anyways, we now have a new diagnosis. She is being treated for ADD this time with Ritalin. All I keep remembering about Ritalin is a boy who killed a girl many years ago and he took Ritalin and the defense used was that the drug made him do it. Now I know, of course, that it was only one case but it came to mind, nonetheless. So, I will be giving her this drug tomorrow and keeping my fingers crossed that it works. If it doesn't, it doesn't but I have this selfish part of me that just wants a little old fashioned normalcy to my life and I'm sure she does too. You see, I don't know what she feels like cause I have bipolar disorder not ADD. So, wish me luck!

Mood: melancholy
Listening to: the whirring of the computer fan

Once again we are faced with ANOTHER snowstorm....It's getting to the point that by the time I realize it should be springtime, it will already be autumn. I am supposed to be planting seeds and getting things ready for my garden but I keep forgetting. I'm spending my time shoveling! This is the second year in a row I was supposed to plant my pansy seeds at the end of January and it's already March 11. *pooh*

Tomorrow, snowstorm or not, I have to drive my daughter to her psychopharmocologist. None of the meds he's been giving her are working. I wonder what he will suggest tomorrow.  I'm beginning to think she only needs a little commando parenting like Dr. Phil suggests. Sure, take everything out of her room except her mattress. The only problem is, we have to share a room!! What about me! I love watching my tv while lying in bed at night (of course, the princess insists that I mute it and put on the captions so she can read) I do it because I think reading is very important but I'm feeling like a doormat that's had mud scraped on it. My dad's house is big enough so that I could have a great space in the attic but there's no heat up there and he's not comfortable with anyone sleeping up there because if there was a fire there is only one exit. Also, who would intercept my daughter when she wakes up with her night terrors and starts running around the room screaming . It's like a prison here. Even Martha Stewart gets more time out of her compound than I do.

So, I start thinking about traveling. So far I have traveled to: Washington D.c., Portland Maine, Montana, New Mexico, Florida......all by computer. I priced the train, bus, airfare and hotels for four. I looked at all of the museums nearby and toured the beautiful hotels and then, with a click of the mouse, close the box because I know it's unaffordable. Still, it was a nice night out and I educated myself about each city and area. Oh well.

Mood: yuk
Listening to: Dr. Phil

This day was long, spent on the usual struggle of getting my daughter to eat. I have to take her to her weight check tomorrow. I have reached that awful point of hurting so much that I no longer want to care. That's a really bad place to be. No mother wants to be in that position. Having names thrown at me daily and this ridiculous 'mean girls' attitude that grates against me like fingernails on a chalkboard is making me sick. I'm supposed to be the responsible parent tht doesn't react to the name calling and be big enough to not fly off the handle. What happened?! Maybe I made a mistake when I cut my medications in half. (I think so.) I have to honestly admit that I felt better mentally when I was on a higher dose. I didn't feel such rage percolating under the surface. But it made me gain so much weight that I feel like a puffer fish. I have to do something to break out of this rut I'm stuck in.

Mood: stuffed to the gills
Listening to: Stone Free-Jimi Hendrix

Have you ever tried past life regression? I tried one of those tapes that are supposed to take you back as you fly through the roof of your house and across the sky, etc. I got some impression that I was a sheepherder in Palestine or something like that. I don't think I did that well at it because all of these issues kept popping into my head while I was supposed to be floating away. Things like, 'boy that dog sure farts some stinky farts' and 'my feet are cold, I wish I had used a blanket' etc. I'd like to try it again but now I can't find the tape. Last night I saw someone else advertising a set of tapes on this and thought about getting them but I'm afraid I would find out I was the sucker that P.T. Barnum was talking about. I know there must be some fact in this though. All of these aches and pains couldn't come from this one life.

Mood: pooh

I hate it when a blog won't let you sign on because it says your cookies are shut off. NO THEY WEREN'T! I wasn't able to rant and rave for days. (Lucky you!)      So, I have been possessed by a sweet dear child in the meantime. She was put on a drug called Topamax which screwed her up real fast and made her manic after only five days. Oh well, back to the drawing board. I am left wondering what is really wrong with my child. Is she bipolar or isn't she? Maybe she is just crazy and so am I and that's just the way it goes.