Hello
Remember....you are my friend, you are special.
Feb 27, 2005 at 03:35 o\clock
Feb 27, 2005 at 03:15 o\clock
Later
So, what have I been doing? I did clean about 2/3 of the room and did a bunch of other cleaning but then I started listening to music while playing GTA San Andreas with cheats activated. It's totally ridiculous for a woman my age to sit here playing this but I don't usually get to ride motorcycles off the sides of cliffs nor blow up a city with a rocket launcher. Besides my kids weren't here and this is my brothers game. He likes to buy video games and then not play them. This version of GTA is sort of like The Sims gone crazy, so it's interesting. During game play I listened to a CD I had recorded about 4 years ago when I recorded about 13 songs with my band. I still enjoy listening to it and wish I could have the music studio again. It was a freeing experience to write me own lyrics and record my own music to it. Maybe someday I will attempt it again.
Feb 26, 2005 at 18:38 o\clock
Wasted days and wasted nights
Today is not going to be one of those wasted days....my kids are gone for the weekend and I can get some major cleaning done. Totally sucks when that is the only excitement in my world. Oh well...I also can go and buy some new socks...woopeee.
Watched the Metallica documentary, "Some Kind of Monster" and thought it was really good. It was strange to see them act so human though. It's middle age rearing it's ugly head. Me and my daughter had a good time watching it and making fun of alot of it. After all, we've been in therapy longer than anyone I know and to watch some heavy metal band go through analysis was funny. But the music was back to being their old fashioned raw, smash 'em up style. I recall, for some reason, I didn't like the album when it first came out but now it seems good. Anyways, will watch the 'Stepford Wives' later on today.
Feb 26, 2005 at 00:07 o\clock
Wacky Day
Mood: okay
Feb 18, 2005 at 19:52 o\clock
How do you thread a needle?
Mood: ok
Listening to: screaming
My daughter must be the only one I know to argue about threading a needle. She has suddenly decided to make a pillow for her bedroom. Fine, make a pillow., but she wants me to knot the thread after she has threaded the needle. So, I do it but she doesn't like the way I have done it and wants me to do it differently. Now I don't know, maybe it is done differently around the world but I was always taught to tie a knot in one end of the thread. But according to the Gospel of Theresa, this is WRONG.. WRONG..WRONG. Everything this child does is different than what I do and everything I do is the wrong way. God, it's ridiculous. I come up to this room for some peace and quiet and all of this crap is brought to me.
Which brings me to my next question......I am looking for a good vacation spot in the UK. It could be in England, Wales, Ireland or Scotland. Don't care, since I have not been to any place but want to. Any good suggestions? I like countryside and gardens but enjoy the museums too. Appreciate any input, thanks.
Feb 18, 2005 at 02:11 o\clock
I Feel Better
Mood: ok
Listening to: my dog snoring
Depression really can make me say some weird things. And that was just earlier today. I feel better now. A medication I took yesterday did that to me and I don't think I will take it again. I'll have to talk to my doctor about the side effects, it really isn't worth it if it's going to throw me into such a blue funk.
I also had to call my daughter's doctor because the Lithium is not working for her. It's supposed to stabilize her and instead it made her bounce off the walls. She was also being really nasty to me. So, he said to take her off of it and he would see us next week since he is out of town. So, we are back to square one.
Feb 17, 2005 at 17:49 o\clock
Yuck
I hate my life, or could you already figure that one out? Do you have one of those lives when everyone around you is negative and yells at you and tells you they wish you were dead? I do, and quite honestly, I am sick of it. I fantasize all of the time about taking all of my money out of the bank, buying a train ticket and leaving. Leave my children, my dogs and all of my possesions to my husband. "Here, this is how much I love you, dear." "Do whatever you want with my stuff. You could probably get some good money for my guitars and you could burn the rest of it." I definately would head south because this cold weather wears on a person after awhile. I'm not sure how far south I would head though. I could get a job working in some stupid place, doing some stupid thing and make crappy money. I don't eat that much anyways and I learned years ago that pasta is cheap and fills you up, so does a potato. Instead I keep plugging along, waking up each morning to the screaming and yelling and verbal abuse. I wonder how long my prison sentence will be? And I wonder what I have done to live such a life and how can I change it?
Feb 12, 2005 at 01:41 o\clock
everyone...let's go visit the psychiatrist
Mood: happy
Listening to: Ozzy-The Essential Ozzy
Today greeted me with some snow and it was cold and windy. We didn't get a lot like they thought before, just an inch or so. This has been a quiet day so far. I didn't feel like doing too much today cause I had to see my psychiatrist. I haven't seen her since the beginning of December and since that time I decided to cut my medication dosage in half without speaking to her.
Ooops, did I fail to ask the doctor? I hate my medication cause it makes me gain weight and in this house I don't need any help. But she was cool with it and I told her I really felt better, not like some night of the living dead thing from a Lara Croft video game. I actually had started exercising which is as close to hell freezing over as you're going to get but I am still having trouble with the weight and then the horrible, inevitable happened, she asked me how much I weighed. I told her the truth but just hearing myself tell someone made me feel strange. No one knows how much I weigh except me and now her. Hmmm...now I guess I have to make do on my resolution to lose weight.
Oh well, there really isn't anything else to do here. After all, my 42 year old brother hogs the tv all weekend watching cartoons, like Teen Titans and Fairly Odd Parents and HiHi Puffi Ami Yumi or something like that and Totally Spies. And then when we try to watch Dr. Phil he won't shut up. He keeps commenting and adding voice overs while Dr. Phil is talking. Maybe this is why he is still SINGLE!!!! Are you listening brother?!
Anyways, I am going out tomorrow to buy a new controller for the PS2. I let my daughter bring it to my husband's house and ,lo and behold, he broke it. Add that to the ever growing list of things he's broken. I think I'll buy a new Scrabble game too or maybe some other board game (or is it more appropriate to say bored game), something educational, so I can kill two birds with one stone. Everybody have a great weekend!
Feb 9, 2005 at 22:39 o\clock
planning a party
Mood: happy
Today I went out to the grocery store to buy some stuff for the party I'm throwing on Sunday. It's a belated birthday party for my daughter. We were going to have it on the 30th Jan. but since we had a blizzard I postponed it until this Sunday. Well, now we are expecting another snowstorm tomorrow. I am going to throw the party regardless of the weather. I don't care whether any one shows up or not. We are going to have our tropical beach party and eat and drink tropical too. I'm going to cook beef teriyaki and sweet and sour chicken and noodles with a peanut sauce and rice. Then I'm making a fruit punch (minus the fifth of rum) and the cake will consist of a white cake with strawberry sauce and whipped cream. None of us are that fond of gloppy frosting, so I thought the fruit would be better. I also bought a coconut, a pineapple and a watermelon called a mini-me that I will hollow out and fill with fruit. The room is decorated with tiki cutouts and fish nets draped across the wall, flowers and palms, etc. It's okay looking, I would have loved to have done more but since it's my father's house I have to play it down a bit. I just have to keep my fingers crossed that the snow isn't too bad. Wish me luck!Feb 8, 2005 at 19:34 o\clock
blue tuesday
Mood: slightly depressed
I am feeling a little depressed now. I have gotten back from taking my youngest for her weight check and she has lost two pounds again. The doctor kept stressing the nutrionist but I told her they have a two month wait and what difference did it make anyways. My daughter is very smart when it comes to eating , it's just that she chooses not to do it some times because she hates herself. A nutrionist can't fix that problem. She is already seeing a therapist and now the Lithium. I told the doctor that hopefully the Lithium will stop this kind of behavior but it was a small battle of wills. People just don't understand what it's like when a kid acts all sweet in public and behind closed doors wants to rip your head off.
And then there's the problem with my husband. 
He would be the one on the left. Although Homer is stupid in a sweet and childish way. My husband reminds me of a slug eating a leaf in the garden. He's just doing his thing. I really can't figure out why I am this angry with him either. I've been married to him for over 17 years and we've known each other for 19. I think it just bothers me that I can't rely on him when the going gets tough. He offers no support whatsoever, be it physical or mental. He is just there and like another child someone that needs but doesn't give in return. I don't know.....I guess I just don't say anything and wait for the winds of spring to blow again. That always makes me feel better.
Feb 8, 2005 at 00:55 o\clock
worry...worry...worry
Today I took the kids to have their blood drawn and that went okay. But later on my youngest called after having taken her first dosage of Lithium telling me how awful it is and how she doesn't want to take it. I told her there are side effects that go away but she was acting her usual weird self. I am worried though because she is spending a few days at her father's house and he is missing a few brain cells when in comes to common sense. I know, I know....I am trying SO hard not to be negative towards him but it is tiring having a man call me constantly to tell me something has broken. Why is he telling ME? I thought men were supposed to fix all of the world's problems. Oh wait, that's right...they cause them. Silly me for thinking otherwise. Sorry PMSing here! *lol* But I let my daughter take the Playstation 2 to her father's yesterday and today he tells me it's not working. AAAGHHH!!!!! I am not surprised.
Feb 7, 2005 at 02:59 o\clock
Just super....
Yesterday we went to the psychopharmacologist for my youngest and we finally were given a prescription for Lithium. OMG...this has been going on five years and it has finally come to some kind of positive crossroads. Tomorrow I have to take her for a pre-Lithium blood test for kidney levels and then she can start taking the meds. I am wondering what it will do to her. My older daughter leveled out quite nicely but I am worried a bit about my youngest. I will try to keep a positive attitude though. After all it can't be any worse than the nightmares we have been through with this disease.
Anyways, took my car in to be looked at today. There was a clunking every time I turned the steering wheel. Well, after keeping the car all day they tell me nothing is wrong with it. I honestly don't think they even looked at it. I am upset over this but maybe I'm jut being neurotic. It has been a stressful weekend. Now we are losing in the superbowl but I don't care. Win or lose, it's all a game.
Feb 3, 2005 at 00:51 o\clock
today was beautifully sunny
Mood: ok
Listening to: James bond music from a video game
First off...thanks so much to those who leave me comments. I enjoy reading that you enjoy reading. I have always thought secretly that my life is a comedy and God is laughing away and having a good time like it's a sitcom.
Good news today. My father won't have to have cataract surgery yet. But he's supposed to look at some paper that looks like graph paper and if he sees the lines go wavy he should be seen by a doctor immediately. It's a good thing he's not a drinker!! He couldn't tell me why thay want him to look at this daily. I always get wavy lines and dizziness when looking at those optical illusion books. Anyways I was thrilled that my migraine headache finally went away. I was napping this morning (hoping it would leave while I slept) and had the weirdest dream. First, Dr. Phil was comforting me because of my mother's death and next thing I know I'm looking at a giant fish tank as big as a house and the fish are swimming around the room in the air. He and I were trying to catch the fish to return them to the water before they died. I woke up....moved...and the pain came back even worse than before. Thanks Dr. Phil!
I was better off moving about the house and it finally went away. (thank you) Okay...who here is dieting or attempting in a nice way to diet? I decided to diet and haven't lost any weight yet but have been doing exercise videos religiously. My problem is my brother. He weighs about 500 lbs. (honest!) and he is what we call an enabler. I asked him thousands of times not to buy me icecream or any other of my addictions that come in the form of delicious tasty treats. He was doing well for a while and dieting too but stopped when the weather turned cold because he doesn't like cold lettuce when the weather is cold. But I am trying. This week he brought home: potato chips (2 bags), cheese spread, triscuits, cheezit twists, ice cream and a bag of vegetable crisps that are made of extruded vegetable glop that is then fried or baked or whatever. I asked him why? Why are you doing this? He says everyone else likes it. My father has aaked him not to waste the money, my kids don't want it, so that leaves me!! That pisses me off. I don't want to weigh as much as him and I think he is threatened by people who are not eating. What do you think?
