I Don't Recall Breaking Two Mirrors

Dec 23, 2004 at 20:33 o\clock

More, more, more

by: dedgekko

Mood: aware of my existance
Listening to: my brother blabbing from downstairs

Yesterday I had to take my youngest to the doctor for a weight check. She has continued to lose weight. The doctor has officially tagged her as anorexic and I even started to cry in her office. Anyone that knows me will tell you that means I have had it. My emotional wall is failing and yet I keep getting slammed. But I believe the doctor scared her into eating again properly because she explained to her that her pulse and blood pressure were not right and she could die if she continued this. All mothers know that words carry so much more weight when someone else says it, so I was relieved to hear the doctor being strict with her. Today she is eating better and now I am just trying to kep her from going to the opposite extreme. Seeing as she has bipolar disorder and has yet to be treated with medications it is going to be a long few months but I think it will be promising.

Dec 22, 2004 at 00:06 o\clock

meow meow

by: dedgekko

Mood: eh
Listening to: the news

Last night our neighbor's cat snuck into our basement. It was so cold outside that we let it stay there. The windchill was below zero and really frigid and when my father said it could stay down there it was such a relief. The people who own it leave it outside in all sorts of weather and it is so cruel.

So all night long I was cold and my stomach hurt (maybe over indulging) and I kept thinking I heard the cat doing things down there. I might have been hallucinating from the cookies too. Finally I put another blanket on and I think I fell asleep about 4 a.m. In the morning the cat was still there and o.k. I hope I can sleep better tonight because I'm tired.

 

Dec 20, 2004 at 01:55 o\clock

mutha? who you callin' mutha?

by: dedgekko

Earth Mama
You're an earth mother! Your friends sometimes
call you Gaea, because you're the original
earth goddess! You and your kids both have
dirt under your fingernails, and you spend as
much of your time as possible out of doors.
Your kids have an incredible appreciation for
nature.

What kind of a freaky mother are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Dec 20, 2004 at 01:18 o\clock

woo hoo

by: dedgekko

We officially have coyotes in the neighborhood. Last summer it was turkeys and now coyotes. I never thought I would see the day that we would have animals running around here. This isn't the woods and it is not the heart of the city but when I was a kid we would have the occasional skunk or raccoon. Now we have seen opposum too.

I'm glad to see more animals but I have the usual concerns about my kids safety being the overly protective mother that I am.

Dec 19, 2004 at 02:52 o\clock

HELLOO

by: dedgekko

Mood: okay
Listening to: The Sims

I haven't written in awhile because I was busy shopping. I have most everything done and only need to shop for some extra food items for all of the cooking to be done. We are expecting a snowstorm on Monday-Tuesday so I hope I won't have to go out in it to buy stuff. I have to take my father to an appointment too so I hope we don't get hit too badly.

Today I baked a ton of cookies for the freezer and to give to friends. I made Double Peanut Butter cookies and Chocolate Chip cookies and a bar cookie that was a blond brownie but with white chocolate chips and walnuts. I worked like I was on an assembly line until I was finished....whew...it was alot of work but worth it to make people happy.

I watched 'Mean Girls' with my daughter. It's a funny movie but a bit too realistic around here. It reminds me of somebodyI know. Actually things haven't been bad lately. We've all been behaving ourselves and any arguing has been kept to a minimum.

Dec 12, 2004 at 17:58 o\clock

finally some organization

by: dedgekko

Mood: sleepy
Listening to: nothing

Friday I cleaned the diningroom and set up the Christmas tree. It looks really nice. The best thing about it was organizing my homeschooling materials. As the year progresses I tend to get messier and messier, so cleaning it all up makes me feel great. I always hate being disorganized it's just time gets away from me. So, now there's a pretty tree and the room is clean and I am happy!

Yesterday I baked some cookies. The Lemon Squares tasted weird though. I will have to review the recipe again and see if I did something wrong. I'm usually an excellent cook, so I must have done something wrong. I made a pumpkin cake and sugar cookies that were both quite delicious. Will make the chocolate chip cookies later this week with the girls. I hurt my leg doing something and I don't really feel like being on it that much, so I'll take it easy.

 

Dec 10, 2004 at 00:20 o\clock

xmas cookies

by: dedgekko

Mood: okay
Listening to: the news

  IS it safe to come out yet? 

The Celexa is okay so far. I only get slightly manic around noontime but I've only taken it a short time so it might get worse. I get a bit sleepy before then but that's okay.

 I'm planning on making some cookies to freeze tomorrow. My mother used to do this every year before she got Alzheimers so I feel like doing this with my kids. We'll give some to the neighbors and friends. Figured I'd make some chocolate chip, sugar cookies and some bar cookies like lemon squares.

I think I'll set up the fake tree tomorrow or maybe Saturday. Tomorrow the weather is supposed to be lousy, slippery with sleet and rain and glaze ice.

Dec 7, 2004 at 21:38 o\clock

Blissful... peace and quiet

by: dedgekko

Mood: happy
Listening to: silence

My daughter is at her therapist now and it is quiet. I never would have dreamed that I would enjoy the quiet so much. I used to be a teenager that blasted music out the door of my house so that people two streets over could here Black Sabbath or AC/DC. Now it is me, myself and I and it is what I need.

My psych gave me a script for Celexa yesterday. This is the same medication that made my other daughter knock on the wall at 2:00 in the morning making us all think someone was in the house that didn't belong there. I'll start taking it Thursday morning. I don't want to take it yet because I have to drive my Dad tomorrow to his appointment and I don't need a new medication affecting my driving skills. Any driver in Massachusetts will tell you, we have the worst drivers in the country around here. She said it might make me manic and I should call her if I start feeling younger than my age (oh too bad, and just when I thought I could have a little fun) Really I can get totally insane when I am manic. If you have ever come across someone who's had too much to drink and can't stop laughing....that is what I get like. Of course, that's if I'm lucky. Being manic also can make me very irritable and feeling like a caged tiger. So, if it doesn't work I hope I don't get irritable.

I heard a funny one on the news today. A school in Pembroke was closed for the day because of a foul odor coming from the school cafetaria. HA HA HA You mean, it wasn't the cooking?! The school will remained closed until they can find out what the odor is. HA HA...

 

Dec 6, 2004 at 18:34 o\clock

My old friend, depression

by: dedgekko

Mood: melancholy
Listening to: nothing

My old friend, depression, has come a-knocking' again. I'm not surprised because it's usually lurking around the corner just waiting for me to slip up. It's not because of the season either because I'm managing to do what I need to do. I wanted to get a small tree for my mother and I found one Saturday and decorated it with small red bows so it would have a natural look. I was very happy with it and I have swallowed all of the moods I've had about letting my youngest do the other decorating. She has run around here doing anything she wants, defying me, left and right and to the point that I feel totally useless as a mother. It's too bad too because she has nice decorating sense, but when you tell a kid to wait and they move things around and do what they want it defeats everything. Punishing her is a joke too. She's a difficult child and that's that.

So today I can see my psychiatrist since we are the bipolar bunch and tell her what a joke these medications are. I had to double my dosage when my mother died and they make you balloon all up like you've eaten everything in sight. And that makes me feel very depressed. Living in a country like this where a person is constantly judged for their outward appearance is so depressing. So, honestly, I feel like wrapping myself in a blanket and taking a bunch of valiums and the hell with the world. Or better yet, visiting the packy and getting some white russians though they may reek havoc on my gallbladder. Eh...what difference does it make? It all sucks.The best part about it is I will do neither, except maybe wrapping myself up in a blanket because it is cold.

I want to be happy and do happy things, christmasy things too. I want to bake cookies and make stupid decorations so I can recapture some feeling from my lost youth and I want to join my neighbor in raking leaves into the street and then standing in them while cars approach. I want to go out in the car and drive nowhere and sing Ozzy Osbourne tunes at the top of my lungs and I just want to feel okay again, in contol and not feeling like I am going insane. I'm sick of appearing so blasted normal on the outside while inside I am messed up.  All you normal people, tell me what it is like to be that way. What is it like to do whatever you want to? Drop me a comment, please. 

Dec 5, 2004 at 04:55 o\clock

ha ha

by: dedgekko

Christmas Cards for the Psychiatrically Challenged:

Schizophrenia: Do You Hear What I Hear?

Multiple Personality Disorder: We Three Kings Disoriented Are

Dementia: I Think I'll Be Home For Christmas

Narcissistic: Hark, the Herald Angels Sing About Me

Manic: Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and Trees and Fire Hydrants and...

Paranoid: Santa Claus Is Coming To Get Me

Personality Disorder: You Better Watch Out, I'm Gonna Cry, I'm Gonna Pout, Maybe I'll Tell You Why

Depression: Silent Anhedonia, Holy Anhedonia, All Is Flat, All Is Lonely

Passive-Aggressive Personality: On The First Day of Christmas My True Love Gave To Me (and then took it all away)

Borderline Personality Disorder: Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire.

Dec 3, 2004 at 23:18 o\clock

And u thought ur job was bad

by: dedgekko

Mood: happy
Listening to: Dr. Phil

HA HA HA   but elephant poop makes excellent fertilizer.

My sister called this afternoon and wanted to know if my youngest daughter wanted to go out to get some shoes with the money she earned. Does Imelda Marcos need a larger closet? I hope she gets a pair of boots because she will need that for winter. I wear sneakers even in a snowstorm. Crazy, I know, but it's all I've ever done.

My older daughter is meeting with her "boyfriend" tomorrow at our house. She hasn't seen him for a year but has talked to him by computer during that time. They are just going to watch some videos but she is so worried. I told her she should not worry, he seems like a nice boy to me and if he isn't I'll 'kill' him. He doesn't have to worry about my husband, he has to worry about me. I have alot of confidence in her though because she will be 16 in January and she has been an angel as far as dating. She can't help that she is bipolar and she is trying her hardest to lead a normal life. So, my daughter, if you are reading this; don't worry about "Sonnet 29". I know you tried your hardest and I'm sure William Shakespeare didn't turn in his grave.

 

 

Dec 3, 2004 at 19:58 o\clock

Bbbrrrr...

by: dedgekko

Mood: eh
Listening to: xmas carols

It started out as a sunny day but it has turned chilly. We were supposed to have snow showers but they have remained north of us. Still it has gotten cooler. I looked for a small Christmas tree to put into the garden yesterday. I wanted to decorate a little one for my mother's memorial garden but all of the trees were too big. I'll keep looking for one that is a good size. Meanwhile I put up some decorations and my youngest addressed xmas cards. This was difficult for me to let her do because I am such a perfectionist and I like the handwriting perfect. But I kept remembering my childhood when my mother let me address the cards and I stuffed all my stupid perfectionistic behaviour down into the back of my brain. I almost took a valium today because everything is driving me crazy but I decided instead not to. I just stared out the window at my neighbor's place. He is cutting down all of the shrubbery in front of his house and now it is all bare and strange looking. Talk more later.

Dec 3, 2004 at 02:49 o\clock

old age sucks, even for dogs

by: dedgekko

Mood: happy
Listening to: wwe smackdown wrestling

Like the title says...old age sucks, even for dogs. Last night one of my dogs, who happens to be the oldest, fell off my bed. Two of my dogs sleep on my bed but the oldest who is a Silky sleeps near my pillow and moves around near my feet too. Last night when I was watching tv, he was sleeping peacefully and then he suddenly just rolled over onto the floor without warning. I was shocked and scared he was hurt cause he has bad knees and he let out a small yike. So all night long I was afraid he would fall again even though I made sure he was not near the edge. He kept getting up and walking up near my head and then staring at me because he wanted to get down and I usually put him on the floor so he doesn't have to jump. This went on all night long and when I did get some sleep I had dreams about him falling and the cat that lives on our porch falling out of our apple tree. It was weird. Of course, I woke up with this splitting headache. I wanted to die but I had to get up. My father was joking saying I should get one of those bars that go on the side of the bed to keep kids or elderly from falling out. Maybe then I will sleep better. 

Dec 3, 2004 at 02:17 o\clock

OZZY

by: dedgekko

HAPPY BIRTHDAY OZZY!!! Happy 56th ! I don't have anything for you but this wish for good health and happiness and many more years to come. I hope they're able to get your jewelry back. BYE.

Dec 3, 2004 at 02:10 o\clock

Drunken cheerleaders

by: dedgekko

Mood: okay
Listening to: tv

I homeschool my daughters and miss out on some of the most interesting things that other parents face. Just today, on the news, was a report of a high school in Danvers in which all of the cheerleaders of the football team were suspended from participating at the game because they were drunk. To be fair to some of the cheerleaders, not all of them drank, some of them swirled the liquor in their mouths and then spit it out. Overheard being said by a fellow student," We had a bad reputation before, now we have drunk cheerleaders." They, obviously, were not amused.

Dec 1, 2004 at 22:12 o\clock

Do you believe in ghosts?

by: dedgekko

Mood: still slightly annoyed
Listening to: my daughter blabbing about her figure

Alright....who among you believe in ghosts, spirits or whatever you want to call people who have passed on to the other side? I'm asking because, since my mother died, we keep getting these weird clickings on the telephone at odd times. My brother joked that it is the FBI bugging us but I think we would bore them to death if they listened to us. Also, when my mother died I had to call my older brother (he never visited when my mother was sick) and the phone line became really static sounding. It hadn't done that in decades, so I'm beginning to think it's my mother contacting us. That would be cool because she died right in front of me and I wish I could talk to her again.

Dec 1, 2004 at 22:00 o\clock

Baking a cake

by: dedgekko

Mood: slightly irritated
Listening to: my daughter complain

It has been a rainy and windy day. A good day to bake a cake. I decided to bake a pineapple upside-down cake. It's so delicious for such a simple cake to make. Mind you, I don't need to be eating cake but when the weather is cold and rainy and the house feels cold ,what better thing to do than turn on the oven. So, we all ate some cake and then...lo and behold....my neighbor showed up at the back door. Very strange but the smell of cake has that effect.  He didn't want any though, just stopped in for a moment.

So later I remembered that I had to pick up my daughter's Lithium at the druggist and while getting that I had to buy my father a Fleet enema. He has to have a sphygmoidoscopy test next Wednesday and has to use these enemas before hand. I hope he can do this by himself because it would be very awkward if I had to help him. I remember having to help the nurse give my mother an enema when she was bedridden and it isn't pleasant. Of course, I'm a good daughter and I do whatever I have to do but I'm keeping my fingers crossed on this one.

Dec 1, 2004 at 20:30 o\clock

December

by: dedgekko

Mood: static
Listening to: the dogs' toenails on the floor

Did you realize that December is National Stress-Free Family Holiday Month. Now I find that to be an oxymoron. How the hell can December be stress free? With all the crazed, psychotic drivers aiming for my rear and front fenders and suicidal pedestrians crossing against the light, the blinding flashes of Christmas lights and lunatic children running chaotically into the street......stress free. As stress free as lying in a tub filled with sulferic acid after being burned in the sun.

December is also Universal Human Rights Month. I would rather spend December celebrating that. The Universal Declaration of Human Rights (UDHR) was adopted by the United Nations General Assembly on December 10, 1948 without a dissenting vote. Universal Human Rights Month offers the opportunity for increasing both our awareness and our activism regarding human recourse "to rebellion against tyranny and oppression."

Dec 1, 2004 at 00:31 o\clock

My neighbor has gone missing.

by: dedgekko

Mood: manic
Listening to: the wind blowing

I received a phone call this morning from my neighbor. He wanted to know if I had seen his brother lately. Seems he is missing in action. The last time he was seen was last week before turkey day. I guess the world got to be too much for him. Anyway, I figured since I had his cell number I would call that and see if he would answer for me because I am so sweet and lovable and everybody wants me as their friend. Of course, he answered but did not divulge where he was but he said he was alright. He just wanted to get away from everyone and be left alone for awhile. The problem is; his brother is going to call the cops and report him missing if he doesn't come back soon. I tried to pass the message along so the police wouldn't be called but had no luck. Now the cops are going to harass him and maybe drive him over the edge. God knows what he might do when the cops are involved. He doesn't like them much, because they ticketed him once for no reason. Honestly I think he is a little left of center too and police can be so annoying when they try hard enough.

Dec 1, 2004 at 00:18 o\clock

Who's Ur Hottie?

by: dedgekko

I think Squidward is a hottie....don't u?