continuing...
Mood: okay. need to study.
...and yeah. I've been having this internal conflict for quite a while now, as to whether I really like him back, as in really, really like him back. And then, on monday, he gave me it. As in a ring. Yeah, yeah, I know, many couples get rings too, to signify their love and all, but it really pressurized me as to whether I really like him back, coz he seems to really like me, despite all my flaws. And I have many many flaws, I assure you. And being a perfectionist, I hate myself. But that's beside the point.
The point is, I was arguing with myself day in and day out, and then yesterday happened. He fainted. OmG! Panic literally swamped me, and I couldn't stop trembling, couldn't stop thinking, omg. omg. Why is this happening? What happened? How is he? Where is he? I want to see him, to see if he's okay. I don't want anything to happen to him. I want him to be okay. I want him to be okay. In that instant, I prayed to God, God, if you could possibly let him be okay, let him be all right and safe and fine and still cheerful and happy and be able to enjoy life, I'll go vegetarian every Tuesday, since yesterday was Tuesday.
Luckily, he's fine. No dengue, heart results are fine. The feeling of relief was too strong, then.
I think that was what really decided me. Just like that time in the LTC camp, I couldn't be there for him when he needed me the most. Not that I could do much, but I wanted to do something, anything, that can help him. >.< I couldn't even go to the hospital, coz his parents were with him. Which is a good thing, really. Even though I still wish that I could be there.
Moving on, I guess I've finally decided to stop doubting myself (though I wonder if I can ever stop doubting him). I do like him, though I can't bring myself to say the other four-letter word (and don't think dirty, coz the word starts with l). Oh, and if anyone ever tells you that women (or girls, take your pick) think too much, they're right.
Assuming for the moment that love might be defined as some kind of partial absence of total self centredness and a displacement of this centre onto another (at least partly) - there is of course the question of when the displacement qualifies as love. There must of course be a point at which if you pull back from the position of centred displacement that you would not get all of your own centre back - could this be the point you are in love.
Using this rationale - even if your bloke did have dengue - and you are really worried about him - the fact that you are still prevaricating about the LOVE thing at such a point would suggest that NO, you aren\'t in love. Furthermore, to then tell him that you are would be irresponsibility of a blood-red shade.
BUT - what the heck do I know. Good luck with it all - at least you give some thought to it.