crazed and writing

Mood: tiredz
Listening to: tong hua

and the reason for that? 20-05-2005. That was the day that more than 150 couples in Singapore tied the knot. And what was I doing on that day? Going out on a 'sort of' date with him. God...*burys heads in hands* And I only found out today, after going all those newspapers I should have read earlier. :(

I'm not particularly sure if he knows about it, but you can be sure that I won't be the one to tell him. The fact that he said he wanted to give us a chance on friday, told me he didn't mind my parents' disapproval as long as I wanted to continue on Saturday, and on Sunday, happily told me that he still couldn't forget her. What's a girl to do in the face of this?

This was precisely the reason why I didn't want to let him know in the first place. Because I knew what would happen if things didn't work out. :( I would be -and am- constantly thinking of him. That's not the worst part. The worst is when we meet and I can see the pity in his eyes when he looks at him. That is what I totally hate. I have enough self-pity to drown myself with, thank you very much. No need to sweep me away with more from others. Seriously.

I know I should probably let him go, which was what I had been trying to do for the past week. It probably wouldn't happen quite so fast, but I definitely have to learn to bury my feelings so that it doesn't surface quite so easily in front of him. Otherwise, our friendship might be affected. That is the last thing I want.

God...I hate myself for being dense.

Mood: crappy
Listening to: stupid fan whirling and whirling

Okay, so the day wasn't so very weird. The camp was insanely useless, but I liked my facilitator, so we went along with whatever it is we were supposed to be doing. I'll admit that I was preoccupied with something - not telling u what - so I couldn't care less.

Approaching afternoon, I sort of just shrugged off the melancholy mood and went on with other people. I have to say this, the Lye guy is a total weirdo, and an irritating one at that. He kept saying: Congratulations. You're responsible. It's totally stupid. Okay, I kinda understand the reason for it, but it totally pisses other people - and me - off. It's like, you're congratulating us for making a choice. That's not too bad. It's the 'you're responsible' part that's really irritating. It's like, we're not really sure whether you're trying to be sarcastic or not, so we're not really sure to be pissed off with you or not. It's just so damn insulting lar, even though in a really twisted kind of way, I understand that you're trying to be neutral. Well, newsflash. Totally missed the neutral mark into the hostile territory.

Well. Now that that's over, I went onto the bus to get home. It was too crowded to even look at my feet, much less find a seat. So I alighted to change to 169. That's fine and all, and I even finished the crit for vespen on it. Only problem being, I overslept. By two busstops. So I had to walk all the way back. But it wasn't too bad. I got to get some quiet time with nature. And I have 4 mosquito bites to prove it. :P

Erm. Finally reached home, had dinner and bath. That's when the weird stuff comes in. Both Garry and Christopher, who had to have noticed me during the camp, had to talk to me to complain about the stupidness of the camp. I mean, that's like, okay, wait. Am I supposed to be the counselor here? Not that I mind, but it's so weird. I barely know them, and they're telling me their frustrations? I didn't realise I was so handy to have around. Not sure what to feel, or think about that.

That's alot of crap about today. Will probably have more about tomorrow. In the meanwhile, juz wanted to leave a little message for my future self when it comes to read this again:

Stop thinking about him! 

Mood: stop asking so many questions, busybody.
Listening to: tong hua lorz

Mixed feelings. Really mixed. I seem to have an innate ability to like people who already have people they like. Two times already. Damn. Stupid me. Now my mum has nothing to worry about. Nothing at all. Damn.

Okay, I am a bit upset. But I'm grateful for friday. And I'm grateful that things didn't drag out. That doesn't stop me from crashing down from seventh heaven. Now even I have nothing to worry about, coz it's impossible. Damn. Stupid me. I feel like burying my head in the sand, dirt or something. Even better, just jump down the building and hope that I die. Damn. I have another year or so to work together with him. Damn. Going to be so awkward. Damn again.

Never mind.

Mood: not sure
Listening to: tong hua

...and it ended on a most disturbing note. No, don't think dirty. :P Nothing that's not proper happened. But I'm going waaay too fast.

Let's see...That was on Friday. I was supposed to be earlier than usual, so as to hand in the form on time. Then it turned out that I forgot to bring the stupid form which was the reason why I went so early. So I had to rush back home, get the form, and take a taxi to school. Turned out that it didn't matter, since there were so many people there, the teachers didn't notice who was late, and who wasn't.

Urmm...then it turns out that I don't have enough money to pay for the deposit. I am so totally klutzy, I don't remember what I brought, and what I didn't. But he was nice enough to overlook it, so I went into the lt 4 with him, supposedly to just listen to the announcements. Then it turned out that it was too much of a bother to try to struggle out of the masses of people to leave the lt, so I just stayed with him for the first hour.

Erm, I know I get cold easily in the lecture threaters of the school, but the fact that he brought his jacket meant that he would need it, right? Or at least I think so. But he just lent it to me for the entire day lor...and when he was obviously cold too, he totally didn't let me return it to him.

Yah...fastfoward to after school. Turns out that mr. goh didn't bring his chequebook to school, so we couldn't go to the supplier. :( So I suggested helping to get flowers for colleen, since kar wai didn't know where to get them either. Erm...we went one round around the neighbourhood shops, but didn't find any roses in the two flower shops. So we went to junction 8 instead to try our luck. As it turns out, there was a flower shop there, and we checked out the price, called karwai to confirm, who said she'll ask ms wong about it first, since she's paying too....

Erm...and then we watched a horror movie. The Amityville Horror. My first NC 16 horror movie. *shudders* Actually, to think back about it, it was a pretty normal scary horror movie, just that the graphics were extremely gruesome, some scenes pretty shocking, and that's about it. But I was pretty shakened by it, so...yah. We didn't do much, I swear. But I did lean into him. I mean, it's a scary movie, and I'm scared. Big deal.

After that, we didn't have much time left, so we 'grabbed' the flowers, and boarded the bus back to NY to catch the piano ensemble's concert. It was pretty cool, especially the teachers' performance. Not to say that the members didn't play well, but I had to struggle to concentrate on the music itself and not its slumbering quality. :P

Erm...well. He likes Tong Hua too, I discovered. And he likes to sing. Kinda. At least he's on tune, which is much more than I can say for myself. Yah. Then he sent me home, all the way to the void deck, which is where 'tragedy' struck. My mum came down in the lift with this like 'you're so dead, girl' kinda expression. I think it even scared off him. She was so totally sarcastic 'so that's your boyfriend right? Holding hands some more, right?'. Not that it matters that I kept denying it.

Turns out that my denying works, since she wasn't all that certain when she looked from the 11th storey. I think she's settled into a watchful mood from now on.

I'll confess here that yes, we were holding hands. And no, we didn't kiss. And yes, I like him. But no, I'm not sure if he likes me back. Even though he held my hand. Really. Very confused right now, but I'm certain about one thing.

I will not prove my mum right by being distracted by a relationship. I'm pretty certain that I would think of him a lot, and that we have some weird times ahead, but to me, my first priority would be to get into university, and if possible, getting a scholarship. No matter if I'm in a relationship. Yes, I'll probably not be able to think so clearly once I'm really into it, but that is something I promised myself. I will be a writer, and nothing is going to stop me from getting that education I want. So there.

Mood: confused
Listening to: tong hua

What am I suppose to say to, 'If you are expecting anything from, give me some time to settle things first'. Does that imply that he likes me too? For once, I'm glad he doesn't read my blog. It'll be waaay too embarrassing.

We'll be going to the supplier tomorrow, to give the design and the deposit. There'll be lots of time for talking. I dunno. My mind is blank, but my heart must certainly isn't. I really dun know what to think anymore. I'm the type of person who like certainty and stability, and right now, my world is rocking on the tip of an iceberg. I really need help. Urrgggghhh!

Confusion, confusion. My life is always either proceeding too fast, or too slow. Now it's too fast. And I'm just afraid that it'll slow down too soon....

Mood: nervous, butterflies have taken up residence in my stomach
Listening to: nothing in particular

... I confessed to him. :P >.< -.-;;; And over msn too. So... weird.

His reaction, I should say, was better than josh's. Eh, well actually, in josh's case, it was a confession at the back of the class. I know, so not romantic, but yah, I was bursting at the seams. So embarrassing. Damn.

And then I had to do it again this time. But it was because he told me who he liked (which wasn't me), and he made me promise to tell him if he told me first. So, yah. You get the drift. He took it surprisingly well, moving off the topic super quickly. I don't know...it's hard to get any feeling off him through msn, but ... I'm not really sure how to proceed from here. I'm sure he'll look at me from a different angle, but I didn't really want it to change in the first place. Uncertainty is not really my forte...

A bundle of unhappiness has settled into the pits of my stomach, and there's no way to remove it. What should I do now? What should be my next move? Should I act nonchalant? Should I ignore him? Should I run away from him? Stick to him like glue? Run away....................................

He juz kinda invited me to go with him to the supplier at jalan bukit merah tml...I so feel like ditching the anderson speech day, now that I know only people from nanyang are going back to anderson...so sadz....I have to confess that I was looking forward to meeting josh again, but now I dun know if he'll be there.... I think I might ditch it after all, just give them the money and say, oops, I'm sorry, I have something else on, I'm so sorry, here's my share of the pottery, well, sorry again, see you later, ja!  :P

It's like... okay. Calm down. He knows I like him. I just told him. Then he ask me to go to jalan bukit merah together with him. Then I told him I got the anderson speech day thingie... then he said wait. What am I suppose to think right now? Errgghhh....my heart can't stand this... My god....what have I gotten myself into?

Mood: cheerful
Listening to: nothin in particular

I just didn't feel like sitting at my com and typing whatever I felt into it. It was beginning to feel like an obligation. Definitely not what I want.

Anyways, the chess club ex-co committee is finally out! And I'm the secretary. :P Which suits me perfectly, since I like order so much. :D

Hm...the 2.4km run was yesterday, and until today, my legs still hurt. It'll probably continue for the next week or so. So not fun. But I did get an A, way beyond my expectations. And it was because I kept a particular someone in mine. And for the sake of my sanity, blood vessels as well as Kar Wai, I shall not mention his name here. :P

I don't know. He's quite different from josh, my previous crush. Let's see...he's difinitely shorter, less muscular, less clever... The list can go on. But there just seem to be a feeling about him I can't shake off, as if we can get along well together. I don't mind his lame jokes too much, I can be pretty lame too, when I'm not busy being nervous. But he's just....actually, I have no idea. It'll be pretty embarassing if josh were to be reading this now. Not that I think he still remembers me, other than that-gril-who-confessed-to-me-and-wrote-stories-and-posted-them-on-the-net-and-also-printed-them-for-me-to-read. :P I did quite a few things that are pretty embarrassing to remember. *sigh* It was a first crush, after all, and he did seem like the perfect guy. Emphasis on did seem. It's okay, and I'm not going to be moping after it for the entire college year. I like my school, I like my combi, I like my teachers, and I am going to do well. That's my promise to myself.

Well, that's quite a lot of things to crap about. Ja ne.

Mood: cheerfully tired
Listening to: tong hua

even though it ended officially at 2.10. P.E was okay. I have 2As and 3Bs for my NAPHA. Wooohooooo! :D That's like my personal record ever. But it'll be marred by the 2.4km run. I am so not motivated to run. Unless, of course, I'm really pissed with someone, like last week, but it was only slightly better, a difference of about 1/2min. Not that it really mattered.

Hm...went back to anderson after school. It's really undergoing serious construction right now. You have to weave through the maze of corridors before you get to the temporary general office. *sigh* I even had to ask directions from the councilors. :P But the classrooms are really bigger. You can have six columns in a classroom and still have space at the side to put your backs. It's so much better than the cramped temporary classrooms of our time. Even though they don't have aircon. :P

Hmm...also went to get my specs fixed, and visited the library. I think they juz restocked the shelves, coz I found some pretty new books. :P And brought home a grand total of three, one from David Eddings and two from some as-yet-unknown author. As usual, all are fantasy. :D

Hmm...that's about all. And I really am being to like Phantom of the Opera, even though I haven't watched it yet. The song that Colleen has been singing these past few days is wonderful. And so is her voice. Not that I'm les or anything, but I admit when I admire someone. Or something. Most of the time. I think. Or maybe not?

Anyways, gotta go, or my work will never get done. I just hope that I can squeeze into the othello competition team somehow...

Mood: okay
Listening to: rain

...in this blog, I mean. It's getting harder and harder to come to the com, sit down and click on the blogigo link to get here and write something. *sigh* I don't know why. Maybe I've gotten sick of it after all...

Yesterday(Wednesday) was supposed to be CCA day. I was supposed to go for chess club and get to know my results about the exco committee posting and the competition selected team as well. I suppose they'll postpone it to next week. Only that Wenhui got confirmed for the team this week and got to not go for the volleyball finals. Not that I'm that unhappy about going; the two matches were pretty good, and though our volleyball girls were upset about losing the finals to jjc, it was nevertheless a good match.

The JJC people were really really enthu. You can almost see the difference in spirit between the JJC people and us NYJCians, and us compared to the Temasek people. It's like, the higher up the rank of jcs you go, the less enthusiastic they would be at matches. And you can imagine the noise produced by the JJCians that were reverberated around the indoor court. *shudder* My ears were still ringing after that...

Anyways, I kinda saw pris yesterday too, when the tj people came. We didn't get to talk, though, coz she left first, and then when she smsed me that we could meet at the bus interchange, I was already on the train. Fate likes to play tricks on us.

It seems that not alot of the 4/5 ppl will be going back to anderson for the speech day. I was so looking forward to it too, when cun zheng told me about it. *sigh* Oh well, I have to take my 'o' level cert today, so it doesn't really matter.

Life goes on, despite what you can and cannot change. The best, and only way to remain smiling, is when you are faced with disappointment, change what you want until you are happy. :D Quoted from Firesong, a character from Mercedes Lackey's Mage Storm series. :)

Mood: cheerful
Listening to: tong hua - it's a good enough distraction for the left side of my brain

...just so that people out there bored enough to be reading this know that I'm alive. :P

Let's see... I was rejected for the creative writing seminar, but Lionel was accepted. Let's just sum up my feelings about that as disappointment, disbelief, fury, anger, despair, suicidal and finally uncaring. Disappointment because I didn't get in, disbelief coz Lionel got in though he didn't put much effort into the portfolio, fury and anger because he was complaining about the high cost of 150. It was almost as if he was mocking me. Arrgh! Despair and suicidal coz I really placed a lot of emphasis on this, and was even looking forward to it, and finally uncaring, because I knew I had more important and immediate things to take care of, primarily my schoolwork, the common tests, and the critting workshop. *sigh*

I'm just glad I'm finally over all of those. Though it would have been better if someone had been there to comfort me in my time of despair. But I wasn't willing to express it in front of karwai and the rest, because I knew if I did, I would be repeating myself over and over again about how not fair and why it happened. So I bottled it all it and tried to ignore it. Not that it really worked, because Lionel just seemed to be hanging around at every turn and mocking me. *sigh*

My brother suggested going to Ms. Victor and asked her what went wrong, and asked if she could help me improve, but I'm not so sure. The piting looks she threw me everytime our eyes meet make me squirm. Well, it's just that I'm okay with pity when I'm wallowing in despair, but after I've dealt with that part, everyone can just stop with the piting looks. I'm not a flower raised in a hothouse that would wilt the minute I stand in the hot sun. Please. Stop the piting looks. I can pity myself quite enough, thank you very much.

Moving on, I'm kinda late for the critting deadline. Well, not late yet, but way too close for my comfort. So I have lots of things to do today, and can't really afford to relax. Not that I really mind. The DISC personality test really helped me a lot, by boosting my confidence that what I perceive myself to be is not really very weird. So I'm not all that different from people around me after all. It's really quite comforting when you've been like me, doubting my sanity and normalcy.

Back to my favourite thing: Orderliness. Which means to finish all my assigned work. Paradise! (yah, right) <-- supposed to be ironic, in case you can't see it. :P

...after the considerably longer-than-usual weekend. And of course, more-than-the-usual stuff happened. :P

Let's see.... I cancelled the part-time work for Sunday, so that I have more time to negotiate my homework into, and ending up working on Saturday instead. Which is very not fun, considering that I almost messed up quite a couple of people's orders. Almost. Too close for comfort. Well.

Finished most of my homework, credit to no one. I just felt like doing, that's all. Oh, and the anthology's first critting period has started. :D I finished my designated crit for the week, and will probably do a few more, just the Aerie members like Firle and Jessie. But that's a secret, coz even Scribes doesn't know the Aerie exist. And shouldn't, unless she just happen to feel like reading my blog. *crossed fingers*

Can you tell I'm pleased with myself? :P Life is going considerably well. Now all I need is for that design for the chess club t-shirt to be accepted, and my life can be comparable to heaven...

Or maybe not. Never mind.