An Introduction
Im not really new at the whole blogging thing. Infact, I've kept an online journal in the past. I deleted it some time ago in hopes that I wouldn't need a place on the internet to express my feelings, but in fact that some of my family - my husband - would take the time to really ask me how my day has been or what's on my mind. Yet, here I am again. Less than a year later. Instead of me telling you a little about myself, my likes and dislikes, Im going to just type what is on my mind; the reason I made this blog tonight at 2am.
The past week has been like a rollercoaster ride. Sometimes it's really hard to just be with someone. Relationships shouldnt take so much work. Relationships shouldn't make one person feel neglected, inferior, or anything of the sorts. Maybe they do. Maybe I'm in a dream world. Who knows. The least little thing I do pisses him off. The least little thing he does pisses me off. Here's an example: Tonight we were fixing our plates for dinner. We both were in the kitchen. I was in the process of making our drinks when he wanted to cut up an onion right in the spot I was standing. So, I had the pitcher, my plate, the cups, and my fork in my hands frantically trying to find somewhere to put all of this stuff so I could make our drinks so he could cut up an onion. Yes, I did sigh and rather loudly. I was frustrated. I was annoyed. I couldnt understand why he wouldnt just wait a few moments and allow me to finish or simply find somewhere else to cut up the damned onion. Anyway, one thing led to another and suddenly we're fighting about my profile on myspace.com. He says I created it to meet other guys. He says that's what people on myspace.com do. They create profiles to meet other people. On myspace I have written all about him. We've been together 7 years now. We've been married for 6 years. His reasoning isn't just. He has such a closed mind sometimes. Very simple.
Finally I just quit responding. The he claims I'm ignoring him and he would rather me lash out at him than to sit and not say anything. I simply wasn't responding to his accusations because they were false. There was no matter to them at all. He simply was just fuming and I wasn't going to partake in such a thing because I end up saying very hurtful and negative things just in spite. We used to do that and it is getting old. One of us has to be the adult when we're arguing. So, I calmly started talking to him, as hard as it was for me. I wanted to just scream at how stupid he is and how ignorant he is being and why he should just pack up his shit and move like he says he's going to. I refrained. We talked it out because I had to be the adult. Why is it always me? Why can't I just have one day of lashing out about anything and everything and someone else rationally calm me down? Why is it always about him when we fight and yet he says I always make it about me? It's so annoying, childish and frustrating!
The fighting ceased for a bit then we aruged some more in bed over stupid things. Small things. Why can't we just let go of the small things and stop nitpicking at each other? Why do I feel it neccessary to log onto this website and create a blog and write about this? Why do I have no one here in my real life I can talk to about these things? Is it me? Is there something I'm doing wrong?
All of these thoughts just keep going through my head to the point that I can't sleep. I have to get up early tomorrow, yet here I sit. Staring at this big white box filling it with words. Maybe I should lie back down. I feel more at ease. I feel as though I've said my piece. Maybe that's what I need. Almost 30 years old and I'm still searching for myself. Im not sure Im going to find myself anytime soon.
Thanks for reading. Feel free to leave comments.
