Weblog of Chyenne

Hi all, wanted take this opportunity to once again say thank you for listening to me. This might be my last entry for awhile...I just found out my phone serive will be disconnected today or tomorrow. It is early morning here and I find that I can not sleep. My mind is filled with worry over how myself and my children will survive yet another tragedy in our lives. I am angry that life is anything but fair and I am angry that I constantly cry like a silly twit!!!! I can not beleive that I have gotten myself into this situation. I don't know how I got here. Well that is not true. I got here by beleiving that when the people in my life say they care they are telling the truth. It would appear that is not the truth, they are just offering lip service most of the time. I think I have gone from sad to angry in a matter of moments. Oh well, these emotions won't help now. I have dug this hole now I have to find a way out. Once again thank you all for listening to the rantings of a sad, depressed woman. I wish you all well.

 

Be Blessed 

So I got a wonderful e-mail from an 11 year old girl in Reno that made me think I am not alone. IT makes it easire to know that there are other mothers, fathers, children and family members out there going through the same thing. I still feel alone because even though I have the support of people I don't know I don't have the support of my family. No one has called in awhile, my older sister has gone back into her unrealistic world of if I don't acknolwedge it it does not exist. When I try to talk to her or any other member of my family about my feelings or my situation I get no response. They all expect me to be okay because I don't cry. Well I don't cry in front of them but I cry... I cry ever day. It doesn't seem fair that I should have to go through this alone. Since I am doing this alone I want to move. I stayed here because mom was here and I did not want to leave her. I want to move to a different state, and try something new. I mean if I am going to have struggle to make ends meet, I might as well do it in a city I want to be in.  I'm alone...that hurts. I'm going now... writing this depresses(sp) me.

1st off I want to say thank you to the 2 people that offered me encouragement. It well appreciated. I am so happy to know that I am not alone. I realize that it will take time to get over the death of my parents, it's just not easy (daddy said never say anything is too hard). So thank you both. Today was better I did not cry when I closed mom's overdrawn bank account, or when I got the three day notice on my door for past due rent. I know stop whinning. I actually was able to start calling people to say thank you for the letters and cards... I've gone back to work, which keeps my mind busy and my children (3 teenagers) have gone back to normal so I have lots of time to mother... I think about my mother and what a wonderful woman she was. How she was always willing to share what she had and would do anything for her children. Mother raised us alone and we didn't have much, but she did teach us to share what little we did have and to try and look after each other. At mom's funeral I said her I did not know why God took her but I am sure they needed her in heaven more then I needed her on earth. That is not true, nobody needs her more then I do. I have to admit I am mad, mad that she had to die, made that she had to suffer, mad that I prayed everyday and nothing happened, mad that I continue to pray and nothing is happening. Mom would be mad that I wrote that, she say God don't owe you nothing and prayer is all you got. That some times God answers your prayers and the answer is "no".  It seems like lately God only says no to me, mircles are not my thing. I don't get those. I have actaully asked God for a sign, a sign that my mother did not die in vain, that there was a reason for what she went through. I' m still waiting... Anyway my take on life has not changed. I still think it sucks. I think that is why I selected a lemon for my blog. Life has given me lemons and I am trying to make lemonade.  

Why am I doing this? Because if I don't I'll explode. This is not a happy carefree blog. This is a blog to express depression, unhappiness and dispair. Sorry So three years ago I had to authorize the doctors to remove my father from life support, it was the hardest thing I ever had to do... until I had to do the same thing for my mother two weeks ago. You know how on television people are taken off life support and they die a peaceful, quick painless death? Yeah, that is not true... people who are taken off a respirator make a sound like they are drowning, they usually don't have the strenght to cough so fluid that is in thier lungs comes up and out of thier mouths. It is not quick, my mother suffered for 72 hours. Even though it was her wish to be taken off the respirator, I feel like the decision was not an informed one. Mom died broke, so I had to go into debt for her funeral. Did you know that they won't bury your loved one until you pay for the service in full? Yeah, that's special. I am in debt up to my eyeballs and the one person I depended on most for emotional support is gone. My rent is past due, I have bills out the wahzoo and I am unhappy. Mom said don't cry, so I tried not to, but yesterday was a wek since her funeral and I cried like I have never cried before. For those who sau "get over it" that is eaiser said then done. I wish it was that easy. I miss my mom, even though I am an adult I feel like I have been orphanged. Life right now just sucks....