you Leave me
you Come back
you Leave me
my heart Breaks
my heart Rejoices
where am I?
what is the Truth?
do you Need me?
do you Love me?
or are you just Horny?
You know the type. Pathetic men (or women, I suppose). Things never work out for them. Someone is always against them.
I'm always attracted to them. Why?
Because being able to 'fix' people makes ME special, superior.
What about me? Aren't I special?
Why do I cancel myself out, so THEY can be special?
Look for the lies.
Why do so many "creative" people feel that they have to complain about their lot. Come on, guys, we have a great blessing. Enjoy it! I've been visiting various chat rooms and blogs of writers. Bitching and moaning. And themselves down.
I know I do this too. But I am really going to watch it. I could have nothing. I could just have a boring job (well I do) but that could be ALL I have. And I'm lucky I have a boring job. I can focus more energy on my real purpose. Writing, creating, motivating.
I think a lot of what I'm seeing on these blogs and chat rooms are young people. It is hard when you're young to not see very far down the path. You aren't where you want to be and you want to be there NOW. It feels like a waste of time to do the work, to build a base. But it's not.
Even now, I still do this sometimes. I feel like time is passing. My son (who is young) pushes me to move forward, faster than I want. And I can be obstinate.
Look for the balance.
Move at my own pace, but don't resist just because someone else is pushing.
Don't resist. Don't pull
Mood: Upbeat and hopeful
I think of of my biggest problems is that I know a little about a lot of things. But I don't know much about any one subject. Except sewing. I know a lot about sewing.
I've sewn all my life. I've taken courses in fashion design. And I owned a clothing alterations business. THAT was an immersion course.
Now I'm trying to start a writing career. And I know a little about writing. Of course I've read all my life. My son says I've read a librarys' worth of books. And he's right. I've had office jobs where I typed and edited letters composed by executives. And boy could they not write! So my own writing is clear and grammatically correct.
I'm creative, I'm very intelligent and I have some skills. But I don't have all the necessary tools. I'm trying to back up and learn the basics. I don't know how to reasearch. I don't know how to organize my reasearch. I don't know how to direct my thoughts. But I'm learning. The problem is: what I'm writing is very good, but in the long run I'm not ready.
Or am I just afraid?
Mood: sad (or mad?)
It's Saturday of Memorial Day week-end. I finished my writing assignment. I'm pretty happy with it. I am so behind. I have like three assingments on another class.
I feel blah and lazy.
They've been working all day on the house behind me. Building a garage. It looks like they're going to finish it all today.
I should walk the dog.
I think I might be depressed. I don't feel sad, but I can't seem to get motivated. I've felt like this for a while now.
My boss is a jerk. Really. He's so petty, he's not even interesting enough to be close to "The Worst Boss Ever." I suppose that's one of the reasons I feel depressed. It's wearing. He's always angry, although he pretends he's not. You never know when he's going to say something mean and petty. Something will happen that he doesn't like, but he doesn't metion it or even act like anything is wrong. Three days , or two weeks or even six months later, he attacks you about it. Out of the blue. Or maybe he spends a period of time finding fault with me and someone else can do no wrong. Or maybe he finds constant fault with someone else and I can do no wrong. You never know from day to day. He's a big guy with a big voice and he always stands in everyone's workspace and talks and talks and talks. He's so good at delegating (meaning everyone else is suppose to cover his duties) that he has lots of free time to talk and talk. He's such a big joke the other managers have no problem making inappropriate comments about him. My fear is that he has some kind of in, he knows something about someone. And he can't be fired.
The worse thing is this job in NOT a career path for me. I want to be a writer. I just need a job that pays and isn't too stressful. And the money is good. I don't want to quit. The only stressful thing about my job is THE BOSS.