chasing time

Im at the point where all i want to do at the moment is just deny myself completely of love or anything of that nature. I just find it so hard to like... lead a normal life or .. find what normallity is. But in all honesty...i think normality, is something when you only forget what your doing and do it everyday. Or not think about wether its normal or not.. Youve never contradicted yourself before thats its not normal... so now when you know you want to get back to normallity, theres no such thing because it never really existed in the first place anyway.

sometimes i wish i could go back to the moment we nearly kissed..and actually kiss, so then i would have something to miss.. not obsess over what wasnt or what nearly was. Still.... seeing him with other people now, it just kinda hits home that once i was someone in his life.. now im just a shadow of the past. And i know for one, that he never likes looking back at the past. And as id rather not fight to keep myself in the present, ill remain firmly in the past.  Probably where i best belong anyways.

 

I just dont know wether to like anyone. Just becuase, i fear of being rejected all the time. Its becuase of my age. Iget along with people older than me becuase i just act older... i was bought up to the same expectations and standards as my older brothers. So naturally i just learnt to be more mature. Which is why i tend to connect with people older than me. But when it comes to liking me back and going out with me theyre reluctant because of my age.. oh your still in school blah blah blah... and well 3 possible realtionships have been rejects becuase i was still in school.

It sucks almost to the point where i wanna give up completely to be honest.

And i cant hug him, or hold his hand or be in the same room and not have to say a word becuase i know that hed know what i was feeling...so much that we wouldnt have to talk. Or make mindless chit chat just becuase we felt awkward.

 

All the time i have to ignore people,  becuase i  cant let myself like them .. everytime they give my kisses at the end of conversations on msn or something .. or flirt.. i just have to ignore them .. even though i dont wantto .. becuase i know it will just take me ages to get back out of it again.. and i dont want to keep walking in to that again and again

 

Coz i knwo what will happen... we flirt get on really well .. like eachother.. get too far and then he realises ahh shit shes too young blah blah blah run away... and leave me hanigng there.

 

And thats wherei have to pick up the pieces

 

ohh... somebody help... any adivce?

Im crying my eyes out at the moment...

 i really thought that it was going to be different with him..

he was the only person i thought about hugging and kissing that it would feel right with after the other person who i fucked it all up with

 but it all turns out that hes got loads of girls that like him ....and he likes one of them back too.

so if anything i walked into this one with my eyes closed totally and stepped into the deep end.

i really liked him.


and i really wanted to talk to the other guy (the one who i really liked first)... well we have a bit of a history and he was a really good friend but well .. it all fucked up and .. got complicated.. so i lost that friendship....

 So the thing is .. the only person who id talk to about all of this was him... and to be hoenst... he doesnt care about anythign i say anymore... well .. i doubt he does anyways..but just for one moment ... i want to go back and hug him like before.. becuase hes the only thing i know .. and he was the only person  i felt safe with. Just one more hug and just cry my eyes out... i spose i just need  a shoulder to cry on. But  no one is there for me anymore...

 

and i spose tht is my fault aswell

 

ohh im so confused and hurt.. i just want to speak to him... but i cant and he went offline jsut as i was abotu to say something..

 

for once i want him to read this and just say. its ok, everything is alright...

 

but that will never happen.

 

i feel like giving up again

So yet another day goes by when im still occupied by the thoughts of both of them. For the life of me please..... just let me be loveless for one moment. Not meaning to sound deperate.. (hah. persish the thought,) but well hes the first guy thats even acknowledged me in a way tht ..well he sounds intrested.. its just that.. hes always working and we wouldnt have time to see eachother.

But im thinking about him constantly at the moment . But hah, alas .. he was probably not really intrested and has backed off... leaving me still thinking about him whislt he moves on. The thing is... i dont really rush into liking people very much ...and well .. it just came out the blue and i really liked him ... i had a little bit of a crush on him when he was still at school ... but i didnt put that down as anythign to be honest.. maybe becuase i was still caught up on him...

Ughhhh, whats worse is that i want him to talk to me... but he never does unles ;

A) he wants something
B) to make a sarcastiic comment or;
C) a and b.


And whats worse is that i always have my knickers in a twist when i talk to him but deep down i really do care...and well .. i do care for him still. I mean that kinda thing doesnt go away just like that... forgive my naivety here... but well. You know.

hmm his song... 'here without you' uh-huh. thats about right at the moment.

Some people can forget and move on just like that.  But for me it takes time... And whilst people say im alot happier now ... and i think of one thing thats changed...and i realise- its him.... the only thing thats changed is him walking out of my life - and now im happy. But inside its killing me. I think im in danger of becomming fake and just putting on a smile to face the day.

 

shame.

Mood: sad, depressed

feelin a lil sad and left out . Well not left out... just lost i spose.

normally when im like this id talk to him. But hes not there anymore. Forever, hes gone. Just like that i spose.

i dont think 10 minutes doesnt go by without him crossing my mind.. sad i know, but its the truth.

im missing him like fuuuuck.

 

i just want a hug from him again. thats all im asking =/

Mood: thoughtful...sad.
Listening to: smile like you mean it - the killers

Ok so everythign is feeling good at the moment. My friends are great and it just feels so nice to be around them. We had a sleepover on friday...in a tent in her backgarden - it was great actually. Pillow fights... eating chocolate and ordering pizza.. it was kinda the perfect night.

The when all the giggling and gossiping stopped and we all fell asleep, he began to creep into my head again, i couldnt help thinking about him... what he was doing? was he ok? was he thinking about me? i always think about that.

 Just when everything goes quiet.... i think about him. Whilst ive learnt to live without him, i still need him as much as i ever did. And whilst things may never be the same i still think about the times we cuddle on the swing seat, laying on the bed cuddling. Holding hands. 

He was my first love - well,  still is. And for just a moment, i thought i was his love too. Just as we finished laughing in the backgarden. as he held me hand and it felt so specail to me. and then i thought it would be the night when we kissed. but, it was too much i was asking for i think

 Just somethign that meand a lot -

 'I miss the grinded concrete
where we sat past 8 or 9
And slowly finished laughing
In the glow of our headlights.'

I've given a lot of thought
to the nights we use to have
The days have come and gone
Our lives went by so fast

Do you care if I
don't know what to say
Will you sleep tonight
or will you think of me
Will I shake this off
pretend its all okay
That there someone out there
who feels just like me
There is

Those notes you wrote me
I've kept them all
I've given a lot of thought
of how to write you back this fall
With every single letter
in every single word
There will be a hidden message
about a boy that loves a girl

Do you care if I
Don't know what to say
Will you sleep tonight
Or will you think of me
Will I shake this off
Pretend its all okay
That there's someone out there
Who feels just like me
There is

Mood: happy

Im actually feeling happy at the moment.. and its a nice feeling.

Mood: great!
Listening to: snow patrol - chasing cars

Today was a fantastic day...

I was actually happy?? I met up with my best mates that i hadnt seen in over 2 months. It doesnt seem much... but it is to me.

It made me realise how much i do need them, and how much time ive been wasting thinking about him. It is his fault, if i didnt know him, i dont think i would need medication or councilling. All i really needed were my friends. They were they're for me the whole time.

 I guess like any good friend, they let me live my life, make my own mistakes and then picked up the pieces when i was done.

I dont quite know what i would have done without them today. They're great.