so now, after a while, urgh everythings , well sooo much has changed , ok so i havent written in this thing scince january,
i dunno, weve spent loads of time together recently, and just taken it out on eachother.
but hopefully were fine now
but arghh i dunno lol. i htink we have gone through quite alot, a jelous(well, what i consider as some type of jelousy) ex girlfriend who wont leave him alone, sending him texts, phoning him in the early hours of the morning, blargh i dunno. But her latest stunt seemed pretty interesting, aparently shes pregnant, with his child, aparently 7-8months pregnant. i dunno. all i can hope and prey is that shes not. aparently shes a compuslve deluded, psycotic weirdo. but hey. who would lie about something like that?
ive lost one of my best friends as well from my relationship with j , i dunno she had this briliant idea of getting revenge (revenge from absoloutly nothing may i add) and phoning the police saying he basically raped me.. urgh i dunno. but hey, obviosly i dont want totalk toher at all. bbut to be honest i am missing a friend, i do have another best friend, but i dunno..
ill finish up later
hehe well tonight i took out j for a meal. its his birthday soon and becuase i dont have much money and i had been saving up i took him out for a meal. it was really nice just the to of us, ok it was in a fairly crowded resturant but it was cool all the same =]
perfect end yto a perfect weekend together. friday we went for a walk down the shoreline and then grabbed a takeaway afterwards and then sat down and watched a few episodes of friends. so taht was great
then saturday we went to the saints vs queens park ranger's game. it was sooo coool. travelling up their in a coach, the match itself. that was really coool. 2-0 to saints! coach ride back was cool too. again that night we grabbed a pizza and layed down on the bed
sunday, we got up and went to winchester. that was fun, we got a pastry from the pattisery and walked along the river. it was really nice too.
the whole weekend has been so great. !
Listening to: nothing
Wow my life has changed sooo dramatically over the past 3 months, im in love. proper and for real this time.
ive met someone, and we instantly clicked. Im not quite sure how it all happend , it just did. And for the first time in my life, someone liked me. ME- for myself, i wasnt trying to be fake or act like anyone else, he saw me as i was.
Ironically when i first met him and we started talking i promised that i wouldnt start to like him in that way, for awkward reasons, We are in a band togehter now. So that was why. he had been in the band about 3 weeks maybe a month. And we were in a studio recoring our ep. we had been laughing and joking as he had with everyone, but somehow me and him just seemed to click more. it was when he was in the drum booth and we were making funny faces toeachother was when me and him kinda realised that maybe there was something there. Probably thought at the same time reaally. i just remember looking at him and thinking, "i think i like him"
I never thought that that thought would be returned to me. We carried on in the studio for a couple day and occupiying ourselfs by playing fifa 06, i dont even like football but i gave him fair competetion which was great!
On the friday i remeber wainting in his car with my borther and him, waitingto collect the cd as they were finishing up editing and mixing. we were just sat listening to music occasionally thinking of conversation whenever it came. I remeber lying in the backseat and him moveing his seat backward to talk to me. Then i had the oh so legend and funny idea of creating suspicious handprints on the passenger windows and back windscreen. which are still there aprently.
it wasnt untill one day, he was round, we stayed up and talked and talked till 2 in the morning. as he lived quite far away, we decided best if hed stay the night affter watching lee evans, we fell asleep on eachother. all that night he kinda secretly held my hand (as my borhter had been in the room at the time) no one had ever held my hand. ever. I felt hundreds of butterflies in my stomach at the time.As my borther left the room to go to bed, we layed on eachother getting closer again.
By this time he had put his arm around me and was really close. my heart was still beating. it was such a nice feeling. everything went out of the window. the logistics and whole situation didnt seem to matter anymore.
i remeber looking up at him, then looking back at the tv, i remeber doing this several times, before he leaned in and kissed me. it was beautiful, I was sooooo nervous. i hadnt kissed anyone in my entire life and there i was kissing someone 4 years older than me who was in the same band as me, who really in truth, i kinda hardly knew. i couldnt belive that someone would want to kiss me.
i remeber feeling his lips on mine. i was perfectly still but relaxed. after the kiss we looked at eachother, and hugged again. I never really knew what was to come of it. i just thought hed soon regret it in the morning and would be awkward after that moment. but it felt so right. we had made a kinda of bed on the floor afterwards and we soon fell asleep next to eachother.
i remeber the next momrnig and my mum coming into the room looking for my brother. i couldnt feel anyone near me. so i had asumed J had left or at least woken up. after the door closed i rolled over to find him right over the other side layed quite confortably. he woke up and rolled over to join me.
That night was the halloween party, the band and a few mates were arranged to stay over.including J. he had to go home that morning and about 2hours laterhe came back. i rememeber almost feeling sick, i still had butterflies and i had kept replaying the kiss back in my head over and over.
that day we spent mostly togehter. just talking really. the whole party was just me and him sat on the floor in the corner watching horror films everyone else was in the room too. but hthey didnt really pay much attention to me and J.i remeber holding his had down by the side of us, so it didnt really look like we were holding hands. becuase of course no one else really knew about about us and in all honesty we were exactly yet officially an item. at the end of the night, me and J decided to go in the other room and sleep on the double bed. 1) becuase it was too crowded in the other room and 2) we just wanted a comfy bed and 3) so we could cuddle and no one ask questions.
that night we kissed again. it was as great as the first. i was still incredibly nervous though. that night we fell asleep togther and it felt so great to roll over during the night and find someone on the other side.
it was great. and after 2 months and 2 weeks it still is =]
Trying to ignore him really isnt working... everytime im on msn, i look and wait for him to come online, but i keep forgetting he wont... becusse i delted him, my own silly fault really but even so,
urghh.
i really do miss him still
i felt crap today, and nearly texted him like i would have. and then i felt like i had really lost something in my life.
Im at the point where all i want to do at the moment is just deny myself completely of love or anything of that nature. I just find it so hard to like... lead a normal life or .. find what normallity is. But in all honesty...i think normality, is something when you only forget what your doing and do it everyday. Or not think about wether its normal or not.. Youve never contradicted yourself before thats its not normal... so now when you know you want to get back to normallity, theres no such thing because it never really existed in the first place anyway.
sometimes i wish i could go back to the moment we nearly kissed..and actually kiss, so then i would have something to miss.. not obsess over what wasnt or what nearly was. Still.... seeing him with other people now, it just kinda hits home that once i was someone in his life.. now im just a shadow of the past. And i know for one, that he never likes looking back at the past. And as id rather not fight to keep myself in the present, ill remain firmly in the past. Probably where i best belong anyways.
I just dont know wether to like anyone. Just becuase, i fear of being rejected all the time. Its becuase of my age. Iget along with people older than me becuase i just act older... i was bought up to the same expectations and standards as my older brothers. So naturally i just learnt to be more mature. Which is why i tend to connect with people older than me. But when it comes to liking me back and going out with me theyre reluctant because of my age.. oh your still in school blah blah blah... and well 3 possible realtionships have been rejects becuase i was still in school.
It sucks almost to the point where i wanna give up completely to be honest.
And i cant hug him, or hold his hand or be in the same room and not have to say a word becuase i know that hed know what i was feeling...so much that we wouldnt have to talk. Or make mindless chit chat just becuase we felt awkward.
All the time i have to ignore people, becuase i cant let myself like them .. everytime they give my kisses at the end of conversations on msn or something .. or flirt.. i just have to ignore them .. even though i dont wantto .. becuase i know it will just take me ages to get back out of it again.. and i dont want to keep walking in to that again and again
Coz i knwo what will happen... we flirt get on really well .. like eachother.. get too far and then he realises ahh shit shes too young blah blah blah run away... and leave me hanigng there.
And thats wherei have to pick up the pieces
ohh... somebody help... any adivce?
Im crying my eyes out at the moment...
i really thought that it was going to be different with him..
he was the only person i thought about hugging and kissing that it would feel right with after the other person who i fucked it all up with
but it all turns out that hes got loads of girls that like him ....and he likes one of them back too.
so if anything i walked into this one with my eyes closed totally and stepped into the deep end.
i really liked him.
and i really wanted to talk to the other guy (the one who i really liked first)... well we have a bit of a history and he was a really good friend but well .. it all fucked up and .. got complicated.. so i lost that friendship....
So the thing is .. the only person who id talk to about all of this was him... and to be hoenst... he doesnt care about anythign i say anymore... well .. i doubt he does anyways..but just for one moment ... i want to go back and hug him like before.. becuase hes the only thing i know .. and he was the only person i felt safe with. Just one more hug and just cry my eyes out... i spose i just need a shoulder to cry on. But no one is there for me anymore...
and i spose tht is my fault aswell
ohh im so confused and hurt.. i just want to speak to him... but i cant and he went offline jsut as i was abotu to say something..
for once i want him to read this and just say. its ok, everything is alright...
but that will never happen.
i feel like giving up again
So yet another day goes by when im still occupied by the thoughts of both of them. For the life of me please..... just let me be loveless for one moment. Not meaning to sound deperate.. (hah. persish the thought,) but well hes the first guy thats even acknowledged me in a way tht ..well he sounds intrested.. its just that.. hes always working and we wouldnt have time to see eachother.
But im thinking about him constantly at the moment . But hah, alas .. he was probably not really intrested and has backed off... leaving me still thinking about him whislt he moves on. The thing is... i dont really rush into liking people very much ...and well .. it just came out the blue and i really liked him ... i had a little bit of a crush on him when he was still at school ... but i didnt put that down as anythign to be honest.. maybe becuase i was still caught up on him...
Ughhhh, whats worse is that i want him to talk to me... but he never does unles ;
A) he wants something
B) to make a sarcastiic comment or;
C) a and b.
And whats worse is that i always have my knickers in a twist when i talk to him but deep down i really do care...and well .. i do care for him still. I mean that kinda thing doesnt go away just like that... forgive my naivety here... but well. You know.
hmm his song... 'here without you' uh-huh. thats about right at the moment.
Some people can forget and move on just like that. But for me it takes time... And whilst people say im alot happier now ... and i think of one thing thats changed...and i realise- its him.... the only thing thats changed is him walking out of my life - and now im happy. But inside its killing me. I think im in danger of becomming fake and just putting on a smile to face the day.
shame.
