meaningless insights

Mood: shocked dazed confused

I have thought long and hard about who I could ring.

I realised that there was no one I felt comfortable burdening with my levels of extreme emotion.

I feel absolutely fucked. Emotionally tired. Wondering how I am going to 'perform' to look normal.

This goes back in time. This issue. I knew it was going to come back. I just happened to underestimate the impact that this was going to make on me.

Over 1o years ago, when I first met my future husband, he was a single father. As I got more involved with him, I realised that I had to be a mother figure to his daughter (who was 8 yrs old). I was only about 24.

Anyway, I married him and raised his daughter as my own. I drove her to her dance lessons, parties and other bloody shit. I spent a good deal of my young life helping her. (Her mother left her behind and began a new family with another partner) Yeah, you guessed it..... women who leave their children, in general, either have drug problems or mental illnesses.)

This woman had a pretty low IQ and had drug issues.

Anyway, I decided that I would embrace her as my own. I loved, cared for and nurtured her the best I could.

To cut a long story short, I raised her just like she was my own child. I loved her like she was my own. I really cared for her.

But her mother's pull and emotional tug was too strong. Now I am a biological mother, I can understand that emotional bond. I mean, really understand it.

Anyway, this girl went for an access visit to her mum in the holidays and never came back. We did not even know where she was living. It was like an abduction, but cause there was no marriage or divorce papers.... we could do nothing. We were powerless.

Fuck, I hate being powerless. We could not contact her... we were hit with huge child maintance bills. (Yet we could never claim for the first 14 years of her life when we raised her, cause her poor mummy could not work.) When you have truck driver boyfriends with lines of 'speed' to shoot up.... there is no need to work.

So when she was 14 we had 'rules' that her mum did not. For example, we would not let her go out to parties at night, unless we knew where she was and had spoken to a parent.

The last thing we wanted was for her to have fucking drug problems like her fucktard mother. (yes, I speak with hate cause this woman has caused so much grief and has no moral conscience.) I have put up with her drunken abusive phone calls at 1am, and I kept my mouth shut cause I was always thinking of my step daughter......(shhhhh, keep the peace.... I can put up with it..) blah blah

well, it has been 7 years and my step daughter is now about 20. My sister in law got in contact with her and gave my husband her phone number.

He was freaked. He has had to deal with the loss of a child.... never knowing how she was.... never knowing where she was..... never knowing that she was ok. The only thing we did no was that the day she left us at 14 was the last day that she attended school.

Fuck, how bad is that? Leaving school at 14 to spend time with your drug fucked mother.

Anyway, we were given my step daughter's phone number. My husband is still so full of pain and hurt. But i encouraged him to ring her and forgiver her for leaving. (After all- she was only a poor victim in all of this bullshit.)

Finally he had the courage to ring her. and let her know that he forgave her and wanted to get to know her again. I workshopped the whole conversation with him before he rang. Got him to ask lots of questions and keep the conversation 'light' and positive.

He was so happy. He felt he had some closure to such a festering wound.

The thing I realised was that I also had a festering wound. I had to hide my emotions. I went into the toilet and tried to hide my tears. I feel almost selfish even having these emotions. What a fucking hypocrite I am. I encouraged him to forgive her, I encouraged him to be the grown up. But fucking hell, I can't forgive her myself. Even though I know she was only a fucking confused kid at the time.

We went through fucking hell when she disapperaed. My husband nearly went mad with grief. I mean, I don't hate the girl, but I don't feel like I could forgive her.

I know that makes me a fucking bad person. I like to consider myself a compassionate person... why is this so fucking hard. Fuck, this hurts so much that I cannot even ring any friends about it.

I am totally fucking an emotional mess. A wreck. I dont understand, cause I am always in such control. This has really knocked me and I just wish I could think of someone I could talk to about this.

I am an adult for fucks sake. Why am I locking myself in the toilet crying like a fucking adolescent.

And for fucks sake, I hate those blogs were teenagers talk about how fucked their lives are because they are fat and ugly and no one cares and they do all that pathetic, self absorbed 'victiming' stuff. Allt that,, boo hoo, shit. Like for fucks sake,,,,,,,, I have a back bone...... so where the fuk is it now.

Yet here I am, feeling as pathetically as them.

The whole thing gives me the total shits. Sadly, I cant think of a friend that I trust enough with this problem.

Maybe I will tomorrow.

Thank fuking christ tomorrow is another day.