meaningless insights

Another blow for us.

The pain of grief is not for myself, but for my mother.

When my father was diagnosed wtih cancer last year, he was given 9 months. He got 5.

They decided to get a little dog. Dad wanted Mum to have something (a friend) to help her through.

They picked up a little abused, scared and frightened dog. It actually had all the signs of post traumatic stress syndrome. Her name - Lani.

While Dad was was dying, it was Lani that was slowly trusting my mum. They were both frightened and lonely. Slowly they grew to understand each other and depend on each other. Poor Lani still maintained these deep, sad brown eyes. She never let my mum reach down and touch her ( she would run away frightened)

But if mum was walking around the house, Lani would skip and jump happily behind her.

I rang mum today to see how she was going. I do that at least once a day as mum is still so lost and lonely without her soul mate, my dad.

She sobbed hysterically into the phone. and told me that she watched little Lani get hit by a car. She had snuck away to the other side of the road. It is bush and she was sniffing around and then saw a big 4wheel drive come down the road. It frightened her. Mum cant remember why she happened to look up, but she saw Lani, running and frightened, fall under the back wheel of the car.

The poor upset driver stopped and picked up Lani and took her to my Mum, who was, by now, totally hysterical.

Mum held her for about one minute, not knowing what to do. Lani died in her arms.

I did love Lani, but that pain of grief (of losing someone that you love) is in my chest. It is not mourning Lani - although I feel pain for her. My pain is for my poor mum. It brought back all of the horrible grief and sadness that was around when Dad died. He died in September last year.

Grief is such a dark hollow feeling in the chest. It is weighing my mum down. Weighing me down. For those that read my blog, you would know that she is only just walking again from her back injury.

For me, the worst thing is that I can do nothing to ease my Mum's pain. How I hate to see her this vulnerable sad mess. Words cannot express how dreadfully awful this has been. My eyes have been welling with tears for hours.

That little sweet bundle of life and joy should still be here with mum.

Upon such simple things happiness depends. The random acts of life that rip good things away are so terribly cruel.

I am totally lost for words.......................