meaningless insights

Has anyone exprienced this site all of a sudden switching to German. It is freaky.

It just seems to flip.

Things have never been the same since this whole format changed. Makes it hard doesn't it? Well, it does for me.

Peace, love and brown rice!

I am overwhelmingly happy to report that my husbands test results came in today. His liver is 'CLEAR'.

He still has to continue his chemo for some time yet... but it seems all worth it now.

The relief has not quite hit us yet. All I can do is simply breathe.

Listening to: myself chewing gum (unpleasant but tru)

Yesterday I managed to forged through those feelings of procrastination and get a bit done. Today I am at exactly the same place. Sitting here, not wanting to do the jobs that I have to. I have completed some of the tasks, which does make me feel better... but I realised that even while I was working, I was feeling guilty for not getting my other (more creative and stimulating) parts of my job done.

I live a reasonably sane existance. But it is at times like this that I wonder about my own bloody head noises. Maybe I am quite mad, but just think I hide it well.

I am not quite sure... no no.. I can't be crackers. I don't think I am. People in my family are mad. Not me.

I am now wondering if I should go down to the shops. I need some things. But I have to wash that bloody hair of mine first. I don't feel like having a shower now.

Why is my head full of such inane, bland, trivial thoughts. It is like I am living a very small existance in my holidays. But I love them just the same. But I don't like this head space of mine at the moment.

I don't know.

Listening to: my guilt-ridden thoughts swirling

It happens to me often when I am on vacation. It drives me insane. Sometimes it is easy to control. Sometimes impossible.

At the moment I am sitting at my computer procrastinating. I should be doing some work. I have an endless list of duties to perform before I get back to 'the daily grind' of my job.

But all I want to do is lie on the lounge and blend in with the furniture.

Oh but the guilt......arrrgggg. It is impossible to escape from myself and my stupid thought processes.

I could rest. But then I think that I should not be wasting time - and just get on with the jobs I have to get organised.

But then I think about how tired I feel.

But then I think of all the stuff that will stress me if I wait till I get back to work to do it.

Oh what to do?

I might compromise and write a bit of a list and see how I go. Wish me luck.

Oh gawd..... I have just noticed all the housework that needs doing.

sigh

Is there every any peace in one's life?

I took my son to a birthday party the other day. He was happy to splash and play with all his 7 year old mates at the local pool.

They were all having a fantastic time diving and swimming, dodging and weaving around each other in this pool.

I noticed, after some time, that some older boys were being a bit 'roudy' amongst the younger ones. I watched carefully as a mother does.

It was then that I saw them single out one of the boys. He is a lovely kid, with red hair and fair skin. These older boys decided to use their 'power' to splash him, dive too close to him and basically intimidate him in a variety of rough and tumble ways. These 'big' boys were having fun.

But I knew this younger boy. He is a twin. He has a gorgeous big grin most of the time. He also has cystic fibrosis. He has enough to deal with just in his day to day life.

I pondered upon whether these boys just somehow sensed that he had a 'weakness' and therefore felt they could give him grief or that he might have just been the random kid that they decieded to pick on.

These boys were probably not really bad kids, just 'mucking around' in the pool.

It did make me think about how cruel humans were. How unjust life was.

It was only a moment in time. A small piece of action in the universe. But it was a window into the 'basic and uncivilised' existence we call 'humanity'.

I have always hated injustice. And I pledge that I will support 'underdogs' any chance that I can get.

Well, I had to wait a few days before I came back to that last entry. It was at the end of an enormous amount of alcohol. I knew even re-reading it would fill me with a resurgence of emotion.

But I am more calm now.

My husband gets his test results back in two weeks to see if the chemotherapy has worked. If not, they will take him off it and his only option is a liver transplant. We both are not even considering that as an option at the moment.

If it is going ok, he will remain on the chemo for another 20 weeks.

It is going to be difficult paying the mortgage as we are getting near 'broke'.

Once again, we will have to find other ways to moderate our lifestyle and spending.

I feel pretty positive that we will get through, it will be tough, but I know we can make it.

 

Mood: shocked dazed confused

I have thought long and hard about who I could ring.

I realised that there was no one I felt comfortable burdening with my levels of extreme emotion.

I feel absolutely fucked. Emotionally tired. Wondering how I am going to 'perform' to look normal.

This goes back in time. This issue. I knew it was going to come back. I just happened to underestimate the impact that this was going to make on me.

Over 1o years ago, when I first met my future husband, he was a single father. As I got more involved with him, I realised that I had to be a mother figure to his daughter (who was 8 yrs old). I was only about 24.

Anyway, I married him and raised his daughter as my own. I drove her to her dance lessons, parties and other bloody shit. I spent a good deal of my young life helping her. (Her mother left her behind and began a new family with another partner) Yeah, you guessed it..... women who leave their children, in general, either have drug problems or mental illnesses.)

This woman had a pretty low IQ and had drug issues.

Anyway, I decided that I would embrace her as my own. I loved, cared for and nurtured her the best I could.

To cut a long story short, I raised her just like she was my own child. I loved her like she was my own. I really cared for her.

But her mother's pull and emotional tug was too strong. Now I am a biological mother, I can understand that emotional bond. I mean, really understand it.

Anyway, this girl went for an access visit to her mum in the holidays and never came back. We did not even know where she was living. It was like an abduction, but cause there was no marriage or divorce papers.... we could do nothing. We were powerless.

Fuck, I hate being powerless. We could not contact her... we were hit with huge child maintance bills. (Yet we could never claim for the first 14 years of her life when we raised her, cause her poor mummy could not work.) When you have truck driver boyfriends with lines of 'speed' to shoot up.... there is no need to work.

So when she was 14 we had 'rules' that her mum did not. For example, we would not let her go out to parties at night, unless we knew where she was and had spoken to a parent.

The last thing we wanted was for her to have fucking drug problems like her fucktard mother. (yes, I speak with hate cause this woman has caused so much grief and has no moral conscience.) I have put up with her drunken abusive phone calls at 1am, and I kept my mouth shut cause I was always thinking of my step daughter......(shhhhh, keep the peace.... I can put up with it..) blah blah

well, it has been 7 years and my step daughter is now about 20. My sister in law got in contact with her and gave my husband her phone number.

He was freaked. He has had to deal with the loss of a child.... never knowing how she was.... never knowing where she was..... never knowing that she was ok. The only thing we did no was that the day she left us at 14 was the last day that she attended school.

Fuck, how bad is that? Leaving school at 14 to spend time with your drug fucked mother.

Anyway, we were given my step daughter's phone number. My husband is still so full of pain and hurt. But i encouraged him to ring her and forgiver her for leaving. (After all- she was only a poor victim in all of this bullshit.)

Finally he had the courage to ring her. and let her know that he forgave her and wanted to get to know her again. I workshopped the whole conversation with him before he rang. Got him to ask lots of questions and keep the conversation 'light' and positive.

He was so happy. He felt he had some closure to such a festering wound.

The thing I realised was that I also had a festering wound. I had to hide my emotions. I went into the toilet and tried to hide my tears. I feel almost selfish even having these emotions. What a fucking hypocrite I am. I encouraged him to forgive her, I encouraged him to be the grown up. But fucking hell, I can't forgive her myself. Even though I know she was only a fucking confused kid at the time.

We went through fucking hell when she disapperaed. My husband nearly went mad with grief. I mean, I don't hate the girl, but I don't feel like I could forgive her.

I know that makes me a fucking bad person. I like to consider myself a compassionate person... why is this so fucking hard. Fuck, this hurts so much that I cannot even ring any friends about it.

I am totally fucking an emotional mess. A wreck. I dont understand, cause I am always in such control. This has really knocked me and I just wish I could think of someone I could talk to about this.

I am an adult for fucks sake. Why am I locking myself in the toilet crying like a fucking adolescent.

And for fucks sake, I hate those blogs were teenagers talk about how fucked their lives are because they are fat and ugly and no one cares and they do all that pathetic, self absorbed 'victiming' stuff. Allt that,, boo hoo, shit. Like for fucks sake,,,,,,,, I have a back bone...... so where the fuk is it now.

Yet here I am, feeling as pathetically as them.

The whole thing gives me the total shits. Sadly, I cant think of a friend that I trust enough with this problem.

Maybe I will tomorrow.

Thank fuking christ tomorrow is another day.