meaningless insights

I cannot believe that I am 'away'. My hotel room has the most beautiful view of the ocean. I have been watching the waves crash over the rocks, and there is also a stout white lighthouse in view. I can hear it, the soothing crash and tumble.... I love the sounds of the ocean. I know them. They resonate from deep within me.

I would like to think that I was a mermaid in a past life.

I do feel a wonderful peace at the moment, even though I worked my but off today. (It was thinking work) I think I have all my ideas worked out, with outcomes established. I am working with a team of people who are very senior to me and it has been a touch intimidating, and I hope that what I produce is good enough.

I will pass out now.... I need to be fresh in the morning, for another day writing.

nigh night

Well, I am off to a nice hotel on the beach (east coast of Australia) to be a part of a writing team. I leave tomorrow.

Why am I happy about this? Easy. I get up at around 5 :30 get my son organised for school, and myself for work. I get to work about 7:30 am and dive strait in. I run around like a bloody idiot, having similtaneous conversations with many people, juggle paper work and deadlines, deal with a lot of people who are unhappy about 'this' or 'that' then leave at about 5 - 5:30.  I then race home to pick up my son from after school care. I do the frantic 'mum' thing- dinner, supervise homework, pour a nice red, help my husband (who is quite ill), bathtime for son.. blaah blah. Bedtime story.

Ahhh, then my time. That is used to prepare all the stuff I need to do the next day. (sometimes I even sneak in to write my blog). I work on a variety of work related projects until I am ready to pass out at around 11 pm.

I am a rat in a wheel. At this stage, I am not bored with this life, but I do get tired.

So I am going to stay at this hotel, do my 9-5 writing job and then I AM NOT GOING TO HAVE TO COOK DINNER! I won't be an 'onduty' mum or wife.

It is going to be the most decadent peace I will get for a long time.

ANd you know what... I will have no guilt... and I will breathe in the stillness.

I am feeling pure momentary joy.

Mood: relaxed in a tense kinda way
Listening to: jazz

When I was 14 I read 'the diary of Anne Frank'.

It moved me greatly and that is when I decided to record my days. It is a touch sad that I spent most of my time writing the typical teenage angst that many do. I only ever turned to my diary when I was upset or in the 'victiming' mode of thinking.

It was a reason why I began this online one. I was sad and looking for a place that could be 'all about me' (just like when I was a teenager)

I have realised that this is now a place where I record lots of things, not just the tragedies of my life. Thats good. I am pleased. I mean to say that I realise that this is still 'all about me'. But this is the only place that I can be 'all about me'. I can't give myself that luxury in the real world. So this virtual world is an indulgence.

But, I guess I like it like that. I am not sure what need it fills. But it does it any way. A pastiche of my soul (the unusual, the mundane and the ridiculous)

Why do you blog?

Well, as some of you know, I did not get too far with my job application. I was just a little shattered, as I feel pretty confident that I can do the job.

But something good did come my way! *YAY*

I have been invited to participate in a small team of staff to develop professional development material. There are 12 of us all up... and they picked from the whole state. So I am feeling very happy about this piece of recognition.

Basically, for three days next week, I am going to be locked in a hotel on the beach to write some stuff. My head is already spinning with ideas and it has given me some fresh air and sunshine.

My dear old university friend, Paul, always used to joke about patience. "Patience is a virtue that is always rewarded" He would laugh, mimicking some old lady.

But, tonight, I like that saying. This is an opportunity of a lifetime in terms of promotion and being placed in more challenging and exciting positions.

I can't wait!

Sometimes I can feel satisified. I went to a great professional development seminar today... and I actually did get a few things out of it. ( I know, I know... amazing)

It involved some psychology sort of stuff but as a sidedish, the presenter discussed a theory developed in the 1990's which I really loved.

It was a pyramid about how society is constructed.

At the very top there was the 'global elites' - these were the telecommunications monguls who have great power and use it to sway politicians. They basically control and train the general masses to be 'uncritical viewers' - a way to keep people uninformed. The old idea that 'knowledge is power' is important here as the 'global elites' keep people out of the loop and therefore 'powerless'.

The next small slice of the pyramid are the 'middle classes'. They are also controlled by the 'global elites' because this group are fully employed and fearful. They are fearful of losing their employment and lots of strategies  are used to keep them worried. In my cultural context the bloody Howard government have begun to introduce 'work place' agreements which detract from workers rights. Another ploy is to keep 'restructuring' institutions/coorporations so that one always is in fear of losing position.

Finally, there are what she called the 'dangerous classes'. These are the people who are kept ill-informed and are fed specially constructed messages from the media. All that 'sensationalism' and 'alarmist' bullshit that currant affairs shows love to generate. It is often based on fear of the 'unknown' - xenaphobia type messages are really popular with these groups at the moment.

Well, that was a small part of the overall discussion, but it was one bit I wanted to record.... so i would remember it.

It is the 'global elites' that are causing 'psychic pain' upon all.

FUCK THE BASTARDS. I shall not fall for any of it. Nor shall I be fearful.

Hey there regulars...... So you guys gave me the bravenet address for Mist and she does not seem to be logging on there.... Does she have another? or has she dropped off the virtual world (does that mean the virtual world is flat or round? haha)

Serously though, I do miss her entries.....

I am soo bloody pissed of at the stupidity of the politicians that attempt to run this country that I am just about to write a politically activated letter and try and get the community up in arms. (why is it when people talk politics that they fall into using cheap cliches?) or rhetorical questions for that matter? haha

But I have crossed over some imaginary line in the sand and am actually motivated to do something. So I am 'politically activated'. I think I just coined a phrase.... maybe not, but it is working for me.

So instead of a long entry here tonight.... I am off to make some trouble....

he he.... I actually do love trouble....

Listening to: funny Uk show - satire of the news - IBS NEWS

Well, I have to say that Buttercup's words/comments did bite me a touch. I mean, yes, it would be lovely to say that I balance my work and 'play' time equatibly. I would love to think that.

But I guess, if I have to be honest with myself.... I don't tend to do that. Glasser claims that one has five basic needs - survival, fun, freedom, power, love & belonging. All my needs are fairly met but the one I tend to crave is power. Now that does not mean world domination (although, if offered, I could be tempted to have a go ) But control over myself is an issue - and control over my extended reality, I suppose.

I have freedom, my survival needs are met, I surely feel 'love & belonging'. I guess I work to build my 'power' need. I like to do a good job. I was never that way early in my career... but now.... I will not allow myself to do anything but a good job on whatever the project i am working on. Actually, I will only settle for outstanding.

Now my 'boss' does not have to think that I am 'outstanding' - It is enough just for me to know.

Thus I work a lot. (I do delegate stuff - but my staff are young - talented but there is a fine balance - I do not want to overload them as they work so hard now.)

Ahhh, how are my fun needs met....? Well, I do get out sometimes..... I enjoy working wth the people I do.... and if I am working at home on my projects... I drink wine. At this stage in my life.... that seems to be enough.

I have travelled and had plenty of fun in my twenties. Now, I think I am satisified. I have a few dark shadows over my world, but they are out of my control ... so all I can do is the best I can.

So, yes, I was feeling a bit overwhelmed last night. Actually, I still do. What I have to do over the next two weeks means that I shall be very busy. But, I guess I could not have it any other way.

Obsessive? I admit it. "My name is Veronica and I am obsessive. The last time I was obsessive was ... umm... 10 minutes ago."

Hmmmmm, well I think that is the close of my self absorbed 'all about me' entry. ( I want to say that I hate being self indulgent on my blog...  but I have to be honest and admit that it is a big part of it)

Peace, love and brown rice to the universe!

:)

Mood: cynical
Listening to: John Lennon

I would love to be wondering why 'birds sing so gay...'

Instead I find myself wondering why I have just spent a good nine hours of my Sunday (a sunny one at that) taking my work home.

I feel like my responsibilities are welling up to create an anxious tsunami of panic. I dont usually get like this.

So I wonder why I am feeling so bad. I can't work harder. I don't think I can work any smarter.

Oh don't worry, I am not doing all of that 'victiming' stuff. That mentality gives me the shits - if I catch myself with those thoughts I give myself a good metaphoric slap across the face.

I just feel a touch powerless at present. That is a position that I don't allow myself to be in ever.

So... I am wondering how to fix this.

Instead I am going to have a shower and wash my hair. I am so tired that I am going to crash into bed with my hair wet.

If I could 'pray' I would pray that my vitamin B tablet will powercharge me through tomorrow.

Mood: ok
Listening to: whirring of mum's primitive computer

I thought that I would visit Mum as she has had such a raw deal lately.

We had a nice dinner and a nice little South Australian Shiraz.

She did get a little over excited and then opened up the Baileys. Not a bad dessert in my view.

My son came out and said "Nonna, I am going to do something really nice for you."

Mum looked excited.

He then began detailing his plan.

"I am going to get Pop and Lani (the dog) from the 'grave yard' for you."

A concerned look came over my face... wondering where this was going.

He then lapsed into a great tale about how he was going to have to fight off lots of monsters first.

It slowly dawned on me that my son had turned my deceased father and the dog into characters from the amimae "Yugioh".

Lucky Mum was reasonably shit faced as her response was laughter.

Mum then got a phone call from one of her dearest friends. I washed up and then discovered her fast asleep on her bed with the phone in her hand. Poor woman is so exausted.

I think that it did her good to have a few drinks.

Naturally, it always works for me.

Just something I wanted to write about....

Steamy Chang Rai (north of Thailand).

Sometimes experiences stay with us forever. This one will always be with me as this was a time when I realised my faults....I had to accept that my 'western, anglo saxon culture' from a capitalist society was useless in terms of 'being human'.

I was with some friends, walking through Chang Rai. Even though it was a fairly underdeveloped place, it was going through some changes. As we were searching a Wat (a temple) we got to see the every day streets and happenings of an ordinary day in the north of Thailand.

We walked through a street where there was some industrial action. There were shops being built, which resulted in construction materials being left in piles on vacant blocks between established places of business.

I noticed piles of bricks, gravel and dirt. It was nearing midday and the heat of the summer was almost at its peak. We were always keen for a drink stop where we would buy water and appreciate its cool and replenishing nature.

I was straggling behind the group of friends I was travelling with. I think I just needed some space. I saw yet another empty block between shops and viewd the familiar piles of 'industry'. Just bricks and sand and piles of potential.

Something caught my eye. It was a blue sarong. I stopped to check. It was then that I noticed some legs and old bronzed skin. My heart began to beat at a more rapid speed as I was worried I had discovered a dead body. I called a friend back.

We decided that together we would sidle up to this body.

With absolute trepidation we moved closer to her.

I was overwhelmed with a great sense of sadness. There before me, I watched an old woman, lie on the earth in the harsh sun. Somehow I knew she was dying. Ironically, the life of this village just kept passing her by.

How could I help? I asked myself.

I decided to give her some money. I guess I wanted to provide her with money to help purchase things that could make her more comfortable. SOme medicine.. a place to stay... were the things that ran through my mind.

She lay limp and unconscious, but I was comforted by the fact that I could see her breathing. Her face was simple, with golden skin and wrinkles that were evidence of a life ..... not the tight fake skin of an aging hollywood actress. It was an old face, but a beautiful one.

I grabbed a hand full of cash and put in her hand. I think it would have equated to about $50. I hoped that it would provide for her what she needed. Her hand was lifeless... so I held her fingers and tried to wrap them around the money.

It was then that she awoke.

She looked at me with amazingly wise eyes. She used what little energy she could muster and smiled at me.

But it was a smile with a message. It was a smile that suggested that she knew more about me than I knew about her.

With a memorable dignity she lifted her thin arm and put the money back in my hand.

I was shocked.

I was astounded that she did not want the money that could have provided for her for a significant amount of time.

At that moment I felt uncomfortable. I realised that she knew something that I didn't.

I knew that she was wise and I was a fool. But I did not know why.

I continued to walk with my group until we found the wat. It was a temple with very special markings on the ceiling.

As I looked up towards this sacred ceiling, shaded by the intense heat of the day.... I heard this womans message.

What a fool I was to give her money. She was dying. She knew it. I knew it. Money is nothing. Money has no value.

Sadly, I realised that I could have shaded her face from the harsh sun and bought her a bottle of cool water for her to sip upon.

If I had given her some time and spend a dollar on some water,,,,, I could have been useful.

When she was dying, she was amused at how ridiculous my gesture was... yet she was still generously grateful for the offer.

It was a moment that lasted a few minutes.

A memory and lesson that will last a lifetime.

 

Listening to: son chomping on his dinner

I am imagining this is going to be a quick entry.

But already I feel the urge to digress.

I have never really felt comfortable about my directions in this blog. I am guarded at times. I have shared some intimate stories that have affected me profoundly, I have kept some infomation out, I have told some silly litlle cute stories and sometimes my entries are quite serious.

I feel like I am representing myself to be inconsistent or quite mad.

I still dont know which direction I should take. So I guess I shall just continue to be a mixed bag.

So today I thought I would make an entry about yesterday afternoon.

My son was dropped off home by my mother. I noticed something unusual.

"Come here darling" I said.

He came.

"Open your mouth sweetheart", I asked.

He did.

"What happened to your bottom tooth? It is missing."

He seemed surprised and, concerned, went to the mirror to further investigate.

My silly old 6 year old is so busy playing, he would never even consider telling me that his tooth was wobbly. And he was obvously way too busy to notice it coming out! I imagine he must have swallowed it while eating a vegemite roll for lunch at school.

Who knows!

They certainly are funny little things, these children.

I must add that he was saddened by the fact that he did not get to see it. But he was determined to ask his teacher to look for it at school the next day.

um, yeah, so that is my silly entry.

Hi there! Thank you Diddums and to the others that responded. I am so happy to be back into this place. I am also grateful to know where mist went... for those of us who have been here as long as mist... her entries are always totally absorbing.

Life has been completely hectic lately and if I still have a modicom of energy after my pasta boils, I plan to fill in some details (sure they are mundane but I have the urge.)

The Keywords in german were interesting... are they trying to mess with my mind? lol.

Ok - I am out for a while. Thanks again Diddums! Really appreciate your message!!

Hi there.

Can anyone tell me where Mistwarrior has gone?

Can someone please try to comment on my blog so I know that it is working?

I have not entered anything as I have been so bloody sad about all these changes, but then I thought that I would have to 'get over' myself and just get back to it.

If you can help - I would LOVE to hear from you. I am missing you and your blogs..so I am back. 

Freaking out- just worked out the changes somehow. WIll enter later. And shel was right. Change is scarey and bloody frustration.

Mood: calm(ish)

Not much to say tonight. I am just feeling so bloody tired.

I am going to go to bed early!

But a thank you to all who commented on my last entry. Thanks for the empathy and generosity of assorted wisdom.

I gave my mum a pep talk on resiliance today. It seems to be the message that I am getting from the chatter that carries on in the back of my mind.

I do think that the Buddha got it right when he spoke about how 'life is suffering'. The only answer is resiliance - actually it can be a great rebellion to all the things that try to knock us over.

Thank goodness they make em stubborn and rebellious in my family. hehe.

my heart felt good wishes to shel, diddums & dave

Another blow for us.

The pain of grief is not for myself, but for my mother.

When my father was diagnosed wtih cancer last year, he was given 9 months. He got 5.

They decided to get a little dog. Dad wanted Mum to have something (a friend) to help her through.

They picked up a little abused, scared and frightened dog. It actually had all the signs of post traumatic stress syndrome. Her name - Lani.

While Dad was was dying, it was Lani that was slowly trusting my mum. They were both frightened and lonely. Slowly they grew to understand each other and depend on each other. Poor Lani still maintained these deep, sad brown eyes. She never let my mum reach down and touch her ( she would run away frightened)

But if mum was walking around the house, Lani would skip and jump happily behind her.

I rang mum today to see how she was going. I do that at least once a day as mum is still so lost and lonely without her soul mate, my dad.

She sobbed hysterically into the phone. and told me that she watched little Lani get hit by a car. She had snuck away to the other side of the road. It is bush and she was sniffing around and then saw a big 4wheel drive come down the road. It frightened her. Mum cant remember why she happened to look up, but she saw Lani, running and frightened, fall under the back wheel of the car.

The poor upset driver stopped and picked up Lani and took her to my Mum, who was, by now, totally hysterical.

Mum held her for about one minute, not knowing what to do. Lani died in her arms.

I did love Lani, but that pain of grief (of losing someone that you love) is in my chest. It is not mourning Lani - although I feel pain for her. My pain is for my poor mum. It brought back all of the horrible grief and sadness that was around when Dad died. He died in September last year.

Grief is such a dark hollow feeling in the chest. It is weighing my mum down. Weighing me down. For those that read my blog, you would know that she is only just walking again from her back injury.

For me, the worst thing is that I can do nothing to ease my Mum's pain. How I hate to see her this vulnerable sad mess. Words cannot express how dreadfully awful this has been. My eyes have been welling with tears for hours.

That little sweet bundle of life and joy should still be here with mum.

Upon such simple things happiness depends. The random acts of life that rip good things away are so terribly cruel.

I am totally lost for words.......................

Mood: frustrated
Listening to: the echo of silence

Nothing too much has been happening, whichis probably a good thing.

I met with the panel for a job that was going in my workplace. I spent lots of my weekend looking at CV's. I realised how much time those people had spent writing their whole work history.

I was then absolutely pissed off to see that one of the panel members had clearly NOT read the CV's. She was asked her opinions and she clearly had no idea. She is in a position of responsibility and she did not even put in the effort!! Man, I hate that.

Luckily she is in my department so in the break I took a few 'pot shots' at her. Let her know that she is dealing with people's lives here. You know, mortgages, pay rises, possible house moves - all that stuff that makes a huge impact on peoples lives.

She just looked lame. Said that she was sick. I suggested to her that it was a great honour to be on a panel, and that if she felt that she could not meet the demands of the job at the moment, she should consider standing down, until she is well enough again. This woman really gives me the total fucking shits. All she wants to do is pretend that she is brilliant when really she is just sitting there drinking coffee whenever she can get away with it. Grrrrrrrrr

I wonder if that is what happened to my CV when I applied for my promotional position. Just too many people to bloody apathetic to read my work properly.

Honestly, it made my blood boil.

I spent about 6 hours reading and making notes on each applicant. And I am not saying that I am a legend or anything, I just gave each person the time that they deserved.

ahhh, well sorry for that bad 'spit' folks, but I do feel better. I cant get this stuff out any other way. In my job, when one is on a panel, we cannot ever speak about it to anyone.

If you got this far, thanks for listening. I shall calm down now.

I love this picture. It is by Monet. Ok - back to reality - zap - out

Mood: neutral
Listening to: sounds of superman - well my son flying around dressed as superman

I have entered two posts in here, and they have not come up! Don't you hate that!

Anyway, I have been flat out. My husband had to go to hosipital, I thought it was just a bad reaction to the chemo but it seems he got quite a nasty gastric bug. With the chemo, his immune system is so depleted, things get him pretty bad.

He was so ill and dehydrated. Anyway he is out now and recovering.

I am on a panel to employ someone at my workplace... reading other people's CV's is a good thing. It is making me reflect upon how I can improve on mine.

I have just made cupcakes with my son. He is really beginning to love cooking. And I reckon that is a good thing. They are vanilla with pale pink icing. I had to tear myself away from eating too many.

Well, that is it for my boring and mundane life at present.

I am about to finish reading the CVs and grade them against the criteria so we can cull down to who we will interview. What a weekend... sigh.