meaningless insights

Mood: tentative
Listening to: some background tv noise that my family are watching

I cant write for long, as I have heaps to do for work. I found out today that 25 other people have applied for the promotional position that I applied for.  Oh my god! That is a lot of people. Now I am beginning to think I wont even get to interview...  :(

Shame really. Oh well. sigh.

I mean, my whole ego is not invested in this particular position, as I would rather get one closer to home. But... I would like to get to interview. It is weird - the shifts of mindset when I have when thinking about this situation. It is hard not knowing.

Anyway, if i get an interview, I shall be told tomorrow afternoon. So in some ways it will be a long day.

I shall reveal all in tomorrows entry.

Mood: reflective
Listening to: fish tank bubbling away

I wanted to write a story about some of my personal experiences.

I have not been one to subscribe to 'supernatural' phenomenon. I guess it is just the philosopher in me. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy watching "Medium" but I just could not believe in something that I have not really experienced. (That and my cynical thoughts that these 'supernatural' events are never really witnessed in the main street of major cities - except in a few cases that have happened in third world countries)

Anyway, as some of you know, I began this blog when my dad was dying, as some kind of therapy. He died in September last year. But I have not, yet recorded some weird things.

On the day dad died I came home. I knew Mum was surrounded with her family - and I had not seen my son for quite a few days, as I was helping Dad die at home. It was a time and emotionally consuming time.

So after I had put my son to bed, I went outside to have a cigarette and a glass of wine. I remember crying and saying out to the universe... "Dad, if you are here, can you show me a sign."

I then looked into my house (I have a big solarium room which is all windows at the back, so seeing in is very easy) On the wall, were all the masks that my husband and I bought on our trip to Asia. When we built this house, my dad helped me hang up the masks on the wall. We talked about which masks we liked the best. He liked the Javanese mask - it was probably the most primitave looking.

So, back to the moment when I glanced through the window. Out of all the masks, it had been the Javanese mask that had turned (well, rotated anti -clockwise about 45degrees)

I remember seeing this mask in a different position and I felt a shock of a shudder hit my body. I found it hard to believe that it had moved. I found it hard to believe that I noticed it just after I asked if Dad was there.

Now to further explain, I have lived in my house now for about 6 years. Never in that time has that mask moved - or any of the masks. Windows open or closed they never move.

Until the night that my father died.

Strangely enough, it has moved three times since then. Each time, when something bad was happening to mum. When Mum hurt her back really badly and had to go to hospital for a few weeks, the mask moved.

The other night, I asked Dad whether I should apply for this promotion. The next morning the mask had moved, but only about 20degrees. Which it has never done before - as it usually moves exactly the same way.

I am reading this as a sign from him, that it matters little whether I go for this job or not. But, then again, I can't believe I am saying this because I don't really have a lot of faith in that stuff.

So what do you think?

I must try to remember to add to this story, my mothers experiences when I told her that the mask had originally moved. I shall do this another time

 

Well, not too much has happened over the past 24 hours. I am a little bit more rested after my intensive week working on my promotion.

Funnily enough, I decided to go for this promotion because I did not feel particular appreciated where I work. By 'boss' tends to favour particular people and that has always something that I have accepted. But then I thought to myself...'hang on, I can do my job well... maybe I should go somewhere - where I get appreciated - and feel better about my efforts.'

Then, on the day my application was due - I had a bit of a discussion with my boss and she began to say really positive things about me. I was totally freaking out. She said that if I got the interview I would probably get the job!!!! ANd I thought "what the hell???"

Anyway, I walked out of her office reconsidering whether I would put this application in. (as it would mean a move from my current workplace- and I loooove the people that i work with. I have a top team)

Then I saw my gorgeous friend and colleague Kate and she said - 'you are putting the application in!! You have to take the opportunity!!! You are ready!"

I did as she suggested. But honestly, my heart was pumping so fast when I sent in the application online. I was shaking. It is weird how the body reacts when things are unsure.

On other matters, Mum seems to be getting a little better. My hubby's chemo is taking a bit of a toll. I am getting worried about him. He seems down - which of course is understandable. He is not too keen on eating at the moment. That always worries me! (as I adore food!!) He is pale, very pale. But still, I am proud of him for coping as well as he has been. I know he is doing it for our family.

I try not to get too down. If he is putting on such a brave face, surely I can - right?

He has not had a sense of smell for ages, years actually. Weirdly, his smell has come back since on chemo. BUT it has worked as a negative as even the dishwashing detergent 'lemon' smell can send him off to the bathroom pretty sick.  Poor darling.

Well, I must be going!

Hope all is well with all of you guys!

 

WOw, at 1am I finally finished my job application. Words really cannot express how relieved and happy that I did it. The application was a huge challenge.

Just before I finished, my favourite online chat buddy popped in. I had not heard from him for ages. It was just an omen that all is good.

I must be off to cook dinner- I hope to get back and add some more!

 

 

I can't believe I managed to do what I did. I completed seven out of the 10 criteria for my promotion application. It did take hours, but I feel like I have broken its back.

I also got some other stuff ready - you know those jobs that you dread doing. This was one of those. But, in the end, it was not nearly as difficult as I anticipated. It is all in the mind really!

My days are spent battling against thoughts in my own confused little head. It is hard to stop the chatter.

I have not written much about my hubby's chemo treatment.. I don't know why, I just can't seem to write about it. He is having a difficult time and I am looking after him as much as I can. Some moments are heart breaking. I will dedicate an entry later, when I am up to it.

Discussing it makes it all seem more real.

ANyway, we are both fine at this very moment and that is all that counts today.

Sending out good vibes to all that are physically or emotionally unwell. I refuse to underestimate a persons ability to overcome such adversity! Rainbows to all!

Must be off now. The tooth fairy has to visit my son - he lost his first tooth today. He was so surprised and excited. Ironically, he lost it after biting into a very soft ice cream cone. He complained in the morning that his tooth was a touch sore and then WHAMO - it was out by the afternoon.

SO I shall pop that money into his room before I forget. One thing that this tooth fairy must be is reliable!!

Laters

Mood: tense
Listening to: some tv blurry noise in background

I have been sitting here for 5 hours working on this job application. I still have about 2 hours of work to do. It has been relentless.

I also have some other work related projects to finish off. So this entry is short. But I will tell you that if I complete what I want to get done tonight, I will make another entry because I will be soooooo delighted.

I hope time will be on my side. I am under pressure and feeling it. (It is probably the perfectionist in me)

Must go - Hopefully I will be back to write more!

Mood: happy
Listening to: the silence of the washing machine - finished its cycle! YUCK more jobs!

Well, I was in the deepest sleep. The man was knocking at the door (to deliver our new lounge) and I did not hear it. Hey, that is not me! My son woke me up. I got up and the world was all blurry.

It was weird, I just could not wipe the sleepiness of my reality. I could hardly understand what the delivery guy was saying. Then I realised I was talking to him with just a t-shirt on. Oh and, of course, a serious case of bed hair! I quickly raced to the mirror and was aghast at how terribly asleep I looked.

Sometimes my husband gets up and it takes him a while to shake of the 'sleep', but I usually SNAP on and get moving, as I am always in a hurry!!!

 

Anyway, I have done some dreadfully boring cleaning as I have to race up to my Mum's place. Mum is minding my grandmother, who recently went blind. She is about 94 and she is getting very difficult. I am going to take control of the situation. Nanny gets very panicy and frightend and anxious about life. So I am going up to try and inject some fun and laughter!

 

I know she hates being alive. She says often "you can live too long, you know" I feel for her. All of her friends are dead. Her husband died years ago, but we kinda rejoiced about that. My mother was sooo excited that finally Nanny could have a life of her own.  Where she could have some fun and control her own reality.

 

My darling little 6 yr old has taken a keen interest in cooking. So this morning, after his swimming lesson, we went to buy the ingredients to make 'garlic bread'. It is sooooo nice to see a bloke in a kitchen!! He loves it! So he ate his bread and suggested that next Saturday - our cooking day - that he makes a cake. So that is our next project.

 

My CV is not going too well. It looks like day 2 of this weekend is going to extrordinarily hectic.

Mood: serenely calm
Listening to: my son's ball hitting the side of the house

I dragged myself in the front door, laden with plastic bags filled with folders and projects to get done over the weekend.

Oh how I love the thought of it being Friday night. It is the best moment of the week. The freedom of the weekend all ahead of me.

Time for me at home. Off the treadmill of my weekdays. A sleep in! Ahhhhhhhhhh. How simply lovely. Time with the family. Relaxing.

Tonight I feel blessed. Tonight, the simple things are enough. Tonight I am going to sip on some champagne and just breathe.

 

 

Mood: emotionless
Listening to: my head pounding

I know, I know, I hate sounding like a whinger, but I am tonight. I have a pounding headache. Can you believe that I am still writing my CV. I have about 11 criteria sections to address and I seem to be getting only one done a night. It really is tiring. I am determined to finish it before the deadline, which is early next week. Thank goodness I will have the weekend do do it.

Mum continues her slow recovery and it is my husbands next chemo injection tomorrow. Things are not going too badly.

My aim is to write more here when I get this job application done.

Wish me luck, I will need it. I just hope I get to interview. There are plenty of bigger fish than me out there, who will probably apply. I just want to be able to kind of fit into the ballpark. (shit, I hate cliches) But I find myself falling into them tonight.

Over and out.

Mood: wired
Listening to: bubbles popping in my diet coke

I am sooo busy, I cant write tonight. I am flat out like a lizard drinking! Writing my CV. I don't think I have a chance at getting this job.. but I am going to put myself out there and have a go!

Mood: sadly tense
Listening to: the tic toc of the clock

So I have been on holidays for two weeks. It has been great being able to sleep in till at least 8am. I love it.

However, I woke up this morning with my neck all cramped and sore. It has been killing me for the past 12 hours. I guess I am going to have to accept that it is the stress of going back to work.

But, hey, that is really strange, because I love work. My mind is bubbling with all the things I should have done to prepare for going back. So much work, so little time. My job means that you still have to work in the holidays. And I have not done as much as I had anticipated.

But I thought that I would spend some quality time with my son - as he seemed to need his mum around.... maybe he has picked up on his Dad and how sick he is. We have not told our son about my husbands condition - as we are being very hopeful that the chemo will work. (DR said it was a 60% success rate).

It is hard in the way that I don't feel like I have had any time for myself. So I still feel pretty tired. But I should not complain. Jeez, I am one of the few people in my family that is blessed with good health.

But my neck is still so bloody painful. I would kill for a massage! I know I won't sleep well tonight, as I never do before I go back to work... so I have taken half a valium. I never take drugs... but as my neck is spasiming so badly and considering my other stressful circumstances, I figured it was a good move on this occassion.

I have to present a seminar to the staff at work tomorrow... so I figured I NEED some rest.

Ode To Sleep

Come away, come away, with me sleep

And in soft bed let me be laid,

Fly away, fly away consciousness,

I am slain by cruel tension related muscle spasms.

(She says with silly postmodern intentions)

 

Okay, Okay - the first time I have put in a stupid poem. (I modelled it from a section of Twelfth Night - SHakespeare-

I am sure the Bard would not take this seriously.

 

Well, I must be off-

Ta Ta

I dont actually know what to write tonight, so I have not come up with a title.

I have just eaten way too much Indian curry. My husband went to bed a few hours ago. He was pretty sick this morning, but improved as the day went on.

I got an email about a 'paper' that I had written for a journal. It has been accepted - and I even get paid for it. I can't believe it. I don't have a lot of confidence about my writing. So this was a big boost.

There is only one day left before I have to go back to work. As much as I love work.... I still feel like I need more time off. Oh well... I am still working on my CV... as I go on with that process, the less confident I feel. But I am going to force myself forward and do it anyway.

I remember someone once telling me that "fortune follows the brave"

I want to try and live by that saying more often.

Laterz

Mood: tipsy
Listening to: neighbours party jiving on the back lawn

well, what an eventful day. I end up driving home to see if my husband is ok and then my son starts crying. He has lodged a small part of a toy in his right nostril.

I race home to try and take it out. My hubby is soo weak that he cant hold my son wriggling and the torch (shining up the nostril) at the same time.

I realise that I have to take him to the doctor. The Doctor tries to shine a special light up my son's nose. My son writhes with hysteria.

Doctor decides to send him to hospital.

Nurse tries to use a vacuum type machine to suckit out of his nose. Does not work.

Have to have him sedated.

So after 4 hours at hospital.... my son is sedated (oh he is only 6) and it still takes 2 doctors and 2 nurses and myself, to finally dislodge it.

It was totally horrible as it was in the shape of a bullet about 1/2 an inch long, but had turned sideways in his nose.

Well, I think I am more traumatised than he was. Now he is fast asleep. Thank heavens.

I know I shall laugh about it later, but.... jeeez I did not need that!!

I texted a friend to explain what was going on, as I had to meet her that afternoon and she replied

"Motherhood is not just a statement!"

So true.

 

Mood: frightened
Listening to: nothing but the strains of anticipation

Ok, I admit it. I have been nattering on about a whole lot of stuff and always avoiding the truths that are really distrubing to my (well my present anyway)

My husband began chemo today. We are just sitting back waiting for the effects. He has not had many so far. He has to inject himself once a week and take 5 tablets a day.

He has been so brave and very positive 99% of the time. Basically, the doctor said that if this does not work, he has about 4 years left before his liver cannot function.

I have never written about it because it is a truth that is quite painful to write about. I am keeping positive. It is my only choice.

I cannot cope with any other way of thinking.

I trust that things will go our way. In the meantime, I will work on my CV and try to get a job that pays more, and bring some more money into this place. It is getting a bit tough to pay the mortgage. But I feel we will get through.

My mum also seems a little improved.

I know that when one gets older, people that 'one' knows get sick etc, but heavens!! - I am 37. Things should not be this way.

I only hope that my husbands body copes reasonably well with these terrible poisons that he has to take. My dad could not cope with chemo at all - he was sooo terribly ill. It will be a matter of hours and we should have some indication of how he copes.

Wish us luck! ANy good thoughts travelling through the universe might just make the difference!

XX

Mood: yipeeeee
Listening to: rapid heart beat

Oh my goodness.

I think that my dream job has just come up for advertisement. I am full of anticipation and trepidation. I have begun to get some form of a CV ready, but i find it all so boring (and difficult) working out what would be valueable in it..

I think I will work on it tomorrow.. It is strange how excited I am about the potential for change.... I need to calm down..

I will be back when I am not so bloody scattered

 

Mood: melancholy
Listening to: silence

Energy levels dropped by about 1pm.  Sigh.

Mum's shopping was inspirational... I got some gorgeous scarves and cushion covers. She is able to walk a little better, so I am grateful for that. She found it hard without Dad. She said she had some pretty painful moments, being in places that they had spent so much time together.

Trouble is.. when she tells me, I fight back the tears so much myself, I cannot find anything to say to comfort her. It was a terribly cruel act for him to be taken away so suddenly. It grieves me to see Mum with such heartbreak and grief. There is no cure. I feel useless. She battles on, like all the women from her family (even going back generations) They make them tough in that family, but it still does not make this death/separation any easier. A terrible tragedy for two people who were not whole unless they were together.

And I hate injustice.......

Mood: energetic
Listening to: dishwasher cleaning

Isn'tit wonderful when you just get up and have heaps of energy? It does not happen often enough for me, but today is the day. I just feel great.

On reflection, I got a lot of my jobs on yesterdays list done. I even took my son rollerskating. Now that was a blast from the past. I have not done that since 1985! I remembered it all pretty quickly, it came flooding back. The rink looked like it had been around since the 80's - really old and dodgey! But we had a laugh.

 

Well, I am going to pick up my mum from the airport now. She is flying back from Thailand (in a bloody wheelchair - due to her terrible back problem) I still cannot believe that she went. She can barely stand to go to the toilet. But somehow, I reckon she has managed to complete her mission ........ mega shopping and mega eating all of that wonderful Thai food.

I must be off.... I might add another entry later!

Mood: alert
Listening to: tv childrens shows (yuck)

So Today I am sitting in front of the computer! The house is now beautifully clean .. so I can sit and do all my work! I thought I would jot down what I want to achieve so I can stay focused.

Hope it works!

 

1. Finsish PowerPoint and email to boss.

2. Organise CV - just the preliminary ideas

3. Fishish record lists

4. Organise dates for A- tasks for the rest of the year!

5. Begin preliminary planning for staff professional development - email to boss.

 

Would it be silly to also squeeze in some shopping and take my son roller skating? Hmmmm. Time will tell.

Oh yeah, I also long to do some cooking. Lets hope I can do it!

Mood: serene
Listening to: computer whirring

 

I love this picture of Ophellia. I realise that it is a very romantic version of her life... but it is beautiful is some ways...

Mood: relaxed (weird but true)
Listening to: sounds of silence (no, not the song... the real 'silence' !! lol

ok, so my son got this fish tank for christmas. Sure, it has been 6 months but I never really got around to buying some fish. But hey, we did have the thing filled with water, plants and filter running AOK for the past months.

Anyway, someone managed to pull out the electric cord that made the filter run... hmmmm ... I imagine that it happened a few months back. So, of course, I noticed this problem, but never managed to plug the thingo back in.

I watched that tank turn green.

A few days ago, I thought I was emotionally prepared enough to deal with this slimey situation.

I gathered my strength. And I cleaned the mouldy thing clean.

We went to get a fish.. easy. My son chose a nice little black moor, (sorry-really rascist name-especially if you are familiar with Othello) but that is what they are called in the fish shop. But, whatever the name, they are the most delightfully sweet, buldgy eyed things.

I said to my son.. "So what are you going to name this little fellow?"

As I understood it, he replied, "Two"

"Naming a fish after a number is pretty strange!!", I said.

He replied, "No Mummy, not the number... the 'sight word from Kindy"

So we now have a fish that is called 'to' after the famous sight word from kindergaten.

Well, I thought... 'so mote it be'

And I have to admit, he is a beautiful 'To'!!!