meaningless insights

Mood: mornful
Listening to: my heater blazing through the cold draft

Once again I had to say good bye to a gorgeous and talented staff member. Her transfer will be great for her, but she will leave a great hole.

I will miss her, but I know that life is just one endless process of 'letting go'

The only thing that I am going to hold on tight to is my son and my house. Otherwise, I realise that I have to accept the other transcient valuables that enter my life and that they then just get zapped away.

Mood: reasonably happy
Listening to: the news

I admit it... it was hard to keep a straight face.

My son has a rather bad habbit of stripping off all his clothes when he gets home. Sometimes he is simply happy in his undies, but other times he just wants pure liberation from any form of fashion.

When he walked in the door from school (oh he is 6 btw) he began to take off all of his clothes. I reminded him that we were having visitors over for dinner.

He replied with the sweetness of innocence, "Mummy, do I have to wear clothes or can I just wear my penis?"

Hiding my smile, I recommended clothes.

Listening to: my son playing with his friend

So I am at my Grandmothers and I am helping her move. I am cleaning out cupboards and throwing things out. Wrapping, stacking, packing.

I call her...(I need help deciding what she wants to keep and/or give to charity)

So there I am as she walks out from another room, looking bothered. I ask her to help me and she says that she is too busy.

She said that she had to throw out her underpants. I say... well, ok but that will only take a second and then she can help me.

Oh no! She says. "I have to cut the crutches out of them first. They are old and stained and I dont want people finding them at the dump and using them."

I explain that no one will find them, let alone use them. And even if they did, they would NEVER TRACE THEM BACK TO HER!

She walks away and continues............. for two hours she cuts the bloody crutches out of her undies.

It was one of the most insane sights that I have ever witnessed.

God love her.... she is well over 90.

Now my mum is in hospital, it is even harder. She has ruptured at least one disc in her spine and she is in so much pain. I hate to see her in that pain. It is also difficult for her as it is the hospital dad spent a bit of time in after his chemo went really wrong.

She is even in the same room and bed that he was in. Weird. She is trying so hard to walk, but i can sense the pain. I so hate to see it. I snuck her out of hospital for a while and took her home to see the dog. That was one happy dog!

She is supposed to fly out on her holiday on Saturday. She is going to the place where she used to holiday with dad. I am sure she is going over there just to look for him......  Even though she can't walk, she reckons she is going in a wheel chair.

That will be a sight. Jeez, madness must run in the family.

I am just about to finish off some work for the day. M-- begins his chemo on Friday and I am going to take him there.

More hospitals..... and I hate the sterile stench of that hospital bleachy stuff.

Oh, and I must remember to write the curious incident of my grandmother and her underwear soon!

Mood: maintaining inner peace
Listening to: washing machine clanking

Hell, life has been so busy. My weekend was not one at all. Not to mention that the house is not clean and washing not done. (Sad when one has to worry about such mundane things - but 'such is life')

I have just sat down to do some work and I am having my first whiskey after a few days without. It is such a pleasure to return to. And also, it is so warming to be reunitied with my computer. Does anyone else have such a close relationship with theirs? It is my one constant in a world of variables.

The two people who are usually my support structures are both pretty ill at present and I am spending time caring for them. It is difficult. I am running around making sure they are ok. What saddens me the most is that I cannot be there for them all the time. I wish I could take time off work, but alas, that is impossible.

My boss finally did her inspection of me and it seems to have dawned on her that I perform well and that the area that I supervise is developing at a great rate. I guess it was all about my ego, but I did not want a satisfactory report... I wanted an outstanding one. I hate to admit it, but my supervisors opinion of me does matter to me. I shall have to get over that silly concept. I should be more confident.

*yawn* I guess I will get going as I am even boring myself.

Here is to a better entry next time....

 

Listening to: the ocean, my son sleeping

Walking along the beach today with my son was beautiful, even though it was freezing cold. That salt air- yum. Somehow it does bring some kind of clarity.

My son ran up and down the sand hills while I just sat and watched the waves roll in. I can hear the waves from here. I have no understanding on why it has such a profound effect on me. I imagine that it is because I dont get to visit this place much these days. Nostalgia. Hmmmmmm.

I have to go back tomorrow. *Yuck* No no, I like my reality generally. It is just the frenetic busy-ness of the whole scene... tires me to think of it.

I will get through another few weeks. I am desperate for some time off,,,, which is coming soon.

The best thing about coming back to my beach is the ever changing nature of the place. The sand changes and creates different hills. Even the rock pools change over time. Different weeds and life ebb in and out. I climbed the cliff to look at the great scape today (I dont think I have done that for 20 years).. Gasp... the beauty of it all. My opportunities to visit here are diminishing rapidly and it saddens me in a way I cannot even describe. This place is a part of my soul.

Mood: sedatedly calm
Listening to: My grandmothers radio, screaming into her deaf ears.

It stikes me as almost insane. The difference. The metaphoric fresh air. I had to take the day off work. I had to drive 2 hours away from my reality.

 

I am removed. I am (momentarily) free.

My secret haven. When I walk over the sand dunes I am transported by the smell... back to childhood. Sliding down the dunes on peices of wood that were waxed on the underside.

Searching the rock pools for as many different life forms as possible.

Just the sound of the waves proves wonderful. I always look over at that enormous horizon and wonder what lands that water could connect me to. I have a great yearning to just skip over those deep and wonderous blue waters to find what lies beyond.

Even though it is 10:45pm, I am thinking of taking my son to the beach early tomorrow. I can't wait. Like I, as a carefree and adventurous child, he can explore this magic place. The perfect waves, white sand, rock pools and caves. I always think back to what it must have been like to have been an indigineous person living on that glorious stretch of sand and sea.  I pay respect to those people. I wonder if their lives were as beautiful as mine (when I am on the same lands)

Tomorrow afternoon, I shall have to go back to my world. That manic, busy and stressful existance that I seem to survive in reasonably well.

However, it is funny how, when at my secret beach, I question how I cope with it at all.

 

Isn't it funny- the difference of taking a two hour drive or not.

Today... I say *with a sigh* it has made all the difference.

Peace, love and brown rice

Mood: pleasantly at peace

Finally some time. I honestly don't know how I got through this week. I don't cope as well under times of stress. This is a time.

So I have hit the grog hard lately. Oh, I still manage to get up and go to work. I am always bright eyed and happy. People have no idea how much I can consume in a night. Functional alcoholic? I don't know. I guess I am. I battle with that one.

In my defence, I never get nasty or black out or anything. I never get so out of it that I do 'stupid' things in public or hurt people, either physically or emotionally. It just relaxes me. I appreciate that.

I am drinking a merlot at the moment which is on the edge of 'nasty'. It is a  bit young. But alas, that is what I opened. I am about to cook some nice john dory fillets on a kumera mash... not sure about what sauce to whip up yet. I am hoping to find some corn flour in the cupboard.

Every night I tell myself that I am going for a walk tomorrow.... but have not done so for such a long time. It is just tooo cold at present.

I must find some way of summoning the intrinsic enthusiasm for such adventures.

Well, I must adieu

Cheers

 

 

well, thank heavens I got into a better frame of mind. Wish I had more time to write a proper entry!

Mood: reflective
Listening to: pasta boiling

It is such a strange world. I ended up feigning compassion for some parts of the day (only because it is required in my line of work).

I sat down and really listened to someone's perspective today. A bit of ear work. It made a profound impact upon me, as I know all the other perspectives of how people see her. There was such a vast contrast in versions of reality. I know I will never be able to facilitate a shift in her thinking... she has been set in her patterns of behaviour for a long time. It made me feel sad that she sets herself up for failure everyday, because of her 'perceptions' of other people. She is one girl who will never experience real happiness.

 

Sad isn't it.

 

Mood: bloody pissed right off
Listening to: my scrambled mind

I have not logged on for so long. I am so fucking pissed off with everything. I know that the voice in my head is 'victim'. I am never a victim. Well I like to think that I am not.

It is so fucking disappointing to work so hard and get such little reward. Yes, I am talking about relationships. I can't even talk to him about it. I never thought I would get to this. I can't believe it would happen.  I have a need to vent.

I can't work full time, be a 'carer' and put up with all the other negative shit floating around me.

I think I am going to work with a big 'fuck you' attitude. I will pretend to care about shit.... but underneath, I am so emotionally exhausted... I dont really care about any of it.

I wonder if this will work for me....the facade is becoming like a robot more and more. I am cold. Slow chilled for 10 years. A rock wall of 'fuck you' frozen ice.

sigh... I guess I am well armoured for another day at work.

Actually, I think i feel much better spitting this out.