meaningless insights

Mood: annoyed but ok
Listening to: trains flying past

1. Okay, this is the image I was trying to get here. This is the reason why I lost my last entry.
2. This is the tortoise that I rescued from the road. Like a crazy woman, jumping in front of a truck.
3. I lost him for 24 hours at work, and was very upset.
4. I found him again. He is a true phenoex.
5. I released him in an appropriate habitat
6. met a friend at the pub for a drink
7. had one drink, could not smoke in the bloody pub because of new regulations. Could only smoke in the gambling room.
8. won five hundred dollars. I believe it was some of the good karma I must have developed helping this gorgeous little fellow.
9. Come on, he is very sweet!!

Mood: pissed off
Listening to: the depressing news on TV

I just spent a bloody hour typing in an entry and it just disappeared. I am shattered. How can I get it back?

Mood: a touch sad
Listening to: my son nagging me

The only good thing about this Christmas is that I have a child to enjoy it. I, on the other hand, am looking forward to all the celebrating to be over. I can't wait to stop drinking. I need a big detox.

Damn, I have to go already. I hope I write my tortoise story in my next entry.

Mood: introspective
Listening to: my son make 'gun noises' from his bedroom

Here I am. Finally work is on a break. I find myself alone. Ha Ha, alone even though there is someone in my house.

I have learnt a few things this year. One is that I will refuse to feel guilt. If someone is upset with me and they won't talk about it to me. I accept that I cannot do anything about it. It is their problem. I will no longer feel responsible for other people and their reactions. I will no longer feel responsible for things that are beyond my control.

Ahhh. That felt good. Nothing like a bit of affirmation.

I also learnt a lot about being a leader. It is lonely. You have to make decisions that you feel are right. And that is not always easy. Don't get me wrong. I love our team. They are fantastic and talented people. I also realised that it is all the 'little things' that count. (In my job). Giving people time to talk to you, listening to them, sending messages that you respect and appreciate them.

I have learned that I am disatisified with the leadership that I work under. I am not really sure why. I think that my supervisor does not really appreciate me. I think my supervisor judges me on silly things and does not see what I do. I feel that I desperately want to share things with my supervisor, but I have no ear. It frustrates me.

A wise old friend said to me...'well what are you going to do, to move forward?' I said apply for a promotion or a transfer. However, I am not sure if I want to do this. I want to complete my vision where I am. I am quite confused about it all. Which is unusual for me. I usually know exactly what I want and how to get it. I am uncomfortable with being a little powerless. It is an uneasy feeling.

Then again, I am very tired. I have worked hard all year. Surely it is ok to be a little jaded and cynical? Alcohol is helping somewhat.

I am happy with my performance in some ways. There is just never enough time to achieve all that I wish to. I would love to have some time to talk and learn from someone who is experienced. I need to be challenged. I need to discuss things so that I can explore.

I don't really have the Christmas spirit this year. I hope that it appears. I imagine I just need to re-energize. Within the next few days I will be surrounded by people, celebrating and talking. I guess I will find it satisfactory at the time. I am almost over celebrating. In some ways I just want some silence and time to get healthy. Detox. Breath.

>out

Mood: tired
Listening to: the wind outside

It has been so long since I have written here. I have not done so cause I really cannot stand the thought of writing down what is swimming in my mind.

Things are still quite tough. I have to spend time with my grieving mother. People don't seem to understand what I have been through, so I don't bother talking.  I hate boring people.

I am still drinking way too much.

Work is not proving as rewarding lately. Actually, I am most disatisified with it. I have never felt this way about my career.Usually I love it. I imagine this is because I have a strong sense of justice. This is one thing that is lacking in my workplace.

My boss has no idea about how to judge her colleagues. She lets the wrong people feed her information. She actually listens. How fucking stupid. When I am in charge, I will not do that. It is really bad to cut yourself off from the sane workers. One thing about my job is that I have always learned about how to do the job well, by tolerating really weak bosses. A friend told me that was learning in the negative. Maybe it is the best way to learn. It has helped me so far.

I am on holidays soon, however this proves depressing as I have so much work to do in order to prepare for next year. It sucks that I do not get overtime.

I will put this in writing now.... In the holidays I really want to take a rest from the alcohol....get fit again... and fit back into my clothes. I hope I work towards this. My self discipline can be so strong at times. Then it can spiral out of control. I wonder if it is due to my fatal flaws or just sheer stupidity. I will ponder that later.

One thing I do hope for is peace, globally, ethnically and environmentally. All those things are out of my control- damn it. I hate things being out of my control....

must go.