meaningless insights

Funeral was yesterday. It turned out a beautiful celebration of Dad's life. I survived giving the eulogy with out crying!

So my once strong, enormous and respected father looks at me startled. He is waking from a morphine dream. That experssion is burned into my memories now. His eyes frightened and wide, like an animal who is just about to be tortured. He is confused.

 

I say " Its ok dad it is just me, your daughter. In soft and gentle tones. He calms a little but is clearly confused. He wants a sip of water, but can hardly lift his wise old head to wet those dry lips. We stumble a little, managing to work together somehow.

 

A few weeks ago, he was aware enough to feel sadness for his loss. THe loss of his own life. He had tears in his eyes when he said that he could not see my son. Too painful for him. He could not stand saying goodbye.

 

Now it is I who feel that sadness. It is I that does not want to say goodbye. So much to learn from that clever, gentle, kind man with the social conscience to actually make a difference.

 

He needed no crutches in life. He developed his own theories and philosophies. They worked, and with this knowledge he created a beautiful life. Filled with 'truth and beauty'. I could never ever sell any of his paintings, drawings or sculptures. Can't put a price on a man's soul.

 

They are going to continue to whisper to me the wisdom that you shared with me and the people who were wise enough to listen. Like a buddhist bell you will toll ...... enjoy the moment...... nothing is permanant.

 

Goodbye dad. I am so sad that I never expressed how much you meant to me. I am so sorry. I only hope that all the things that were unsaid - were in someway - understood. I wish I had told you that you were one of the finest men I have ever known.  My grief is so overwhelming. What a hole you will leave.

 

I hope, with all the might of the universe that your morphene dreams are ones of you childhood happiness, yourloves and fine times... cordon bleu meals, fine wines and some sweet jazz.

 

Love is eternal. I never realised that before.

 

 

Mood: whiskey sodden
Listening to: the rain and my son sleeping

I am feeling extremely sad and self indulgent. Oh and cynical, XXXXXX

Mood: reflective
Listening to: Jamia Cullum / Twenty Something

Okay, this started off pleasant and positve and I have no intention to be one to whinge and complain. But holy shit. It is amazing that the human psyche has the capasity to cope with so much. So today, hmmm. Work was pretty stressful. My second in charge came in crying that her husband had done something pretty wild. (well for him) I had a staff member who was just about to be deported. All because fucking America and Australia don't have some bloody visa agreement. So I rang up immigration and got fucking cranky. I was delighted to find out that there might be a solution. New visa for the lovely american that wants to work here for a bit longer. My father is going down hill fast. He has stopped eating and cannot get up. Bedbound. I am going to stay for a while so I can help him. Looks like a couple of days before he dies. It is sad to see such a gifted and wise man die so young. It is really hard to believe. I think i am in a bit of denial about that still. But life is a funny thing. I have been looking at the news about the hurricane in america. All so very terrible. How can we, as human beings degenerate into such acarchy? Talk about "lord of the Flies'. I hope that the american government meets the desperate needs of its people. I hate to think of human suffering to the extent that I have heard in media reports. Wishing the universe time to heal. Lets hope the humankind can develop some good karma, take care of the planet and the lives that it harbours. and lets hope that that wine reviewer does not control the worlds market in red wine so that all wine producers do not bow down to the 'infantile' tastes of the few. I hate to think that mankind, art and food are going to morph into one bland texture. Cheers to a quirky little red wine I like. Lets hope that the corporate dollar does not corrupt its pleasant individuality.'