meaningless insights

Oct 2, 2008 at 13:11 o\clock

I think I am back

Actually, I decided that I am going to write a short story, and I am going to base it on a personal experience. Wondered if my blog still existed. It did. YAY.

 I wonder how many people are still here from a few years ago. I still wondered what happened to 'Mistwarrior' and her blogs.

 If you are someone I cyberknow..... I hope that all is well with you!

 

XX R

Feb 7, 2007 at 12:58 o\clock

Help from experienced mothers would be appreciated

1. Thanks Diddums for your comments. Loved em!

2. My son came home with head lice. I bombed his head with the appropriate chemicals. I used the 'metal comb' to get em out. It was easy peasy.

Embarassingly, he transferred his problem onto me. I have long thick, curly hair. I have bombed my head at least 8 times. I have used the old 'conditioner' and metal comb trick. Nothing is working. This is a curse. Nothing that the medical profession can offer actually helps.

Does anyone have any suggestions that they have tested that were successful. Oh by the way... a lot of stuff on the net is actually innacurate... for example... changing sheets every day... as they cannot survive away from human heat for very long.... so don't recommend that.

I just thought someone out there might have an answer that I can try...... I am completely desperate... humiliated....itchy..... and damned angry.

So... if you don't have an answer.... maybe you can ask other people about a possible solution.... Lets face it.... I had to be pretty desperate to mention this on my sacred blog.

yours in absolute humilation and degredation.

Jan 17, 2007 at 13:47 o\clock

Oh My Goodness

Has anyone exprienced this site all of a sudden switching to German. It is freaky.

It just seems to flip.

Things have never been the same since this whole format changed. Makes it hard doesn't it? Well, it does for me.

Peace, love and brown rice!

Jan 17, 2007 at 13:23 o\clock

Doctors Report

I am overwhelmingly happy to report that my husbands test results came in today. His liver is 'CLEAR'.

He still has to continue his chemo for some time yet... but it seems all worth it now.

The relief has not quite hit us yet. All I can do is simply breathe.

Jan 16, 2007 at 03:13 o\clock

Some Success Yesterday

Listening to: myself chewing gum (unpleasant but tru)

Yesterday I managed to forged through those feelings of procrastination and get a bit done. Today I am at exactly the same place. Sitting here, not wanting to do the jobs that I have to. I have completed some of the tasks, which does make me feel better... but I realised that even while I was working, I was feeling guilty for not getting my other (more creative and stimulating) parts of my job done.

I live a reasonably sane existance. But it is at times like this that I wonder about my own bloody head noises. Maybe I am quite mad, but just think I hide it well.

I am not quite sure... no no.. I can't be crackers. I don't think I am. People in my family are mad. Not me.

I am now wondering if I should go down to the shops. I need some things. But I have to wash that bloody hair of mine first. I don't feel like having a shower now.

Why is my head full of such inane, bland, trivial thoughts. It is like I am living a very small existance in my holidays. But I love them just the same. But I don't like this head space of mine at the moment.

I don't know.

Jan 15, 2007 at 06:11 o\clock

Today's Crossroads

Listening to: my guilt-ridden thoughts swirling

It happens to me often when I am on vacation. It drives me insane. Sometimes it is easy to control. Sometimes impossible.

At the moment I am sitting at my computer procrastinating. I should be doing some work. I have an endless list of duties to perform before I get back to 'the daily grind' of my job.

But all I want to do is lie on the lounge and blend in with the furniture.

Oh but the guilt......arrrgggg. It is impossible to escape from myself and my stupid thought processes.

I could rest. But then I think that I should not be wasting time - and just get on with the jobs I have to get organised.

But then I think about how tired I feel.

But then I think of all the stuff that will stress me if I wait till I get back to work to do it.

Oh what to do?

I might compromise and write a bit of a list and see how I go. Wish me luck.

Oh gawd..... I have just noticed all the housework that needs doing.

sigh

Is there every any peace in one's life?

Jan 14, 2007 at 11:49 o\clock

Identifying Nasty Pieces of Humanity

I took my son to a birthday party the other day. He was happy to splash and play with all his 7 year old mates at the local pool.

They were all having a fantastic time diving and swimming, dodging and weaving around each other in this pool.

I noticed, after some time, that some older boys were being a bit 'roudy' amongst the younger ones. I watched carefully as a mother does.

It was then that I saw them single out one of the boys. He is a lovely kid, with red hair and fair skin. These older boys decided to use their 'power' to splash him, dive too close to him and basically intimidate him in a variety of rough and tumble ways. These 'big' boys were having fun.

But I knew this younger boy. He is a twin. He has a gorgeous big grin most of the time. He also has cystic fibrosis. He has enough to deal with just in his day to day life.

I pondered upon whether these boys just somehow sensed that he had a 'weakness' and therefore felt they could give him grief or that he might have just been the random kid that they decieded to pick on.

These boys were probably not really bad kids, just 'mucking around' in the pool.

It did make me think about how cruel humans were. How unjust life was.

It was only a moment in time. A small piece of action in the universe. But it was a window into the 'basic and uncivilised' existence we call 'humanity'.

I have always hated injustice. And I pledge that I will support 'underdogs' any chance that I can get.

Jan 11, 2007 at 10:48 o\clock

calm to some degree

Well, I had to wait a few days before I came back to that last entry. It was at the end of an enormous amount of alcohol. I knew even re-reading it would fill me with a resurgence of emotion.

But I am more calm now.

My husband gets his test results back in two weeks to see if the chemotherapy has worked. If not, they will take him off it and his only option is a liver transplant. We both are not even considering that as an option at the moment.

If it is going ok, he will remain on the chemo for another 20 weeks.

It is going to be difficult paying the mortgage as we are getting near 'broke'.

Once again, we will have to find other ways to moderate our lifestyle and spending.

I feel pretty positive that we will get through, it will be tough, but I know we can make it.

 

Jan 5, 2007 at 14:23 o\clock

fucked

Mood: shocked dazed confused

I have thought long and hard about who I could ring.

I realised that there was no one I felt comfortable burdening with my levels of extreme emotion.

I feel absolutely fucked. Emotionally tired. Wondering how I am going to 'perform' to look normal.

This goes back in time. This issue. I knew it was going to come back. I just happened to underestimate the impact that this was going to make on me.

Over 1o years ago, when I first met my future husband, he was a single father. As I got more involved with him, I realised that I had to be a mother figure to his daughter (who was 8 yrs old). I was only about 24.

Anyway, I married him and raised his daughter as my own. I drove her to her dance lessons, parties and other bloody shit. I spent a good deal of my young life helping her. (Her mother left her behind and began a new family with another partner) Yeah, you guessed it..... women who leave their children, in general, either have drug problems or mental illnesses.)

This woman had a pretty low IQ and had drug issues.

Anyway, I decided that I would embrace her as my own. I loved, cared for and nurtured her the best I could.

To cut a long story short, I raised her just like she was my own child. I loved her like she was my own. I really cared for her.

But her mother's pull and emotional tug was too strong. Now I am a biological mother, I can understand that emotional bond. I mean, really understand it.

Anyway, this girl went for an access visit to her mum in the holidays and never came back. We did not even know where she was living. It was like an abduction, but cause there was no marriage or divorce papers.... we could do nothing. We were powerless.

Fuck, I hate being powerless. We could not contact her... we were hit with huge child maintance bills. (Yet we could never claim for the first 14 years of her life when we raised her, cause her poor mummy could not work.) When you have truck driver boyfriends with lines of 'speed' to shoot up.... there is no need to work.

So when she was 14 we had 'rules' that her mum did not. For example, we would not let her go out to parties at night, unless we knew where she was and had spoken to a parent.

The last thing we wanted was for her to have fucking drug problems like her fucktard mother. (yes, I speak with hate cause this woman has caused so much grief and has no moral conscience.) I have put up with her drunken abusive phone calls at 1am, and I kept my mouth shut cause I was always thinking of my step daughter......(shhhhh, keep the peace.... I can put up with it..) blah blah

well, it has been 7 years and my step daughter is now about 20. My sister in law got in contact with her and gave my husband her phone number.

He was freaked. He has had to deal with the loss of a child.... never knowing how she was.... never knowing where she was..... never knowing that she was ok. The only thing we did no was that the day she left us at 14 was the last day that she attended school.

Fuck, how bad is that? Leaving school at 14 to spend time with your drug fucked mother.

Anyway, we were given my step daughter's phone number. My husband is still so full of pain and hurt. But i encouraged him to ring her and forgiver her for leaving. (After all- she was only a poor victim in all of this bullshit.)

Finally he had the courage to ring her. and let her know that he forgave her and wanted to get to know her again. I workshopped the whole conversation with him before he rang. Got him to ask lots of questions and keep the conversation 'light' and positive.

He was so happy. He felt he had some closure to such a festering wound.

The thing I realised was that I also had a festering wound. I had to hide my emotions. I went into the toilet and tried to hide my tears. I feel almost selfish even having these emotions. What a fucking hypocrite I am. I encouraged him to forgive her, I encouraged him to be the grown up. But fucking hell, I can't forgive her myself. Even though I know she was only a fucking confused kid at the time.

We went through fucking hell when she disapperaed. My husband nearly went mad with grief. I mean, I don't hate the girl, but I don't feel like I could forgive her.

I know that makes me a fucking bad person. I like to consider myself a compassionate person... why is this so fucking hard. Fuck, this hurts so much that I cannot even ring any friends about it.

I am totally fucking an emotional mess. A wreck. I dont understand, cause I am always in such control. This has really knocked me and I just wish I could think of someone I could talk to about this.

I am an adult for fucks sake. Why am I locking myself in the toilet crying like a fucking adolescent.

And for fucks sake, I hate those blogs were teenagers talk about how fucked their lives are because they are fat and ugly and no one cares and they do all that pathetic, self absorbed 'victiming' stuff. Allt that,, boo hoo, shit. Like for fucks sake,,,,,,,, I have a back bone...... so where the fuk is it now.

Yet here I am, feeling as pathetically as them.

The whole thing gives me the total shits. Sadly, I cant think of a friend that I trust enough with this problem.

Maybe I will tomorrow.

Thank fuking christ tomorrow is another day.

Nov 28, 2006 at 08:28 o\clock

What is going on Blogigo?

Hey there!

 I have not been able to access blogigo for ages. It seemed to have blocked me from putting entries in.

At present, I am quite excited about the prospect of a job that might be advertised tomorrow! If it is advertised, it means that no one applied for it on 'transfer'. So it will be available for people who want a promotion.

I am soooo hoping I will see this advertised tomorrow morning online.

I hope all is well with you regulars that I have come to know!

Cheers!

Nov 12, 2006 at 12:18 o\clock

tired

Thanks for your comments. They were much appreciated after such an absence from here!

I went for a big walk today with an old friend. I did not enjoy it... but I know it will pay off tomorrow when I spring out of bed with joyous enthusiasm.. (haha)

Another week ahead... sigh.... but at least the jobs are advertised on Wednesday and I hope something comes up that I will like!

I must pass out now.... bed is so welcoming.

 

Nov 10, 2006 at 22:24 o\clock

Back for a few minutes

Busy. Stressed. A touch unhappy. That is how it has been lately. Work has moved beyond the ridiculous. Again I find myself dissatisified with the leadership of my workplace.

I am stuck in the middle. Trying to protect my staff from the unreasonable demands of the 'management' seems to be a main focus. Things that have happened recently have really upset me, although I have to hide it at work.

I keep telling myself that I have to be resiliant. I have to prove that I can easily survive the 'punishments' I get from the person above me. Thats what I get for speaking my mind. She wonders why she cannot keep people in the 'middle management' positions. My fantasy is to tell her exactly why.

Ironically, she thinks that she runs a collaborative work place.

I know that working in this place is a test. My test.

I have to keep telling myself that I can get through it with dignity. I find it a great struggle to remain 'professional' but that is what I have to do.

I have never been in this positon before. I have always had such good relationships with my 'bosses'.

Weird.

Oct 20, 2006 at 12:12 o\clock

Life slump

I hate not writing here... but I have not had the chance.

I have missed it terribly... but will get back to here soon.

I hope all is well with all my 'favourites'!!!

THings have just been to busy and overwhelming.

Peace, love & brown rice!

Oct 7, 2006 at 13:09 o\clock

Peace? Not Likely

No no no.... I am too selfish to be discussing North Korea, Iraq or the Middle East for that matter.

You see, my mum has left for China for a few weeks. I am in charge of my deaf and blind grandmother. She is a dear sweet woman but holy fuck.... she also tries my patience. (I know I will be condemned for saying that)

Anyway.. I was going up to stay with her and I said I would be there at 4pm. I rang her at 2pm just to check in on her (yeah, she is deaf and practically blind and she is about 94)

She informs me that she tried to open a window but it fell down and hit her fingers. I asked her if she was ok and she said it hurt for a while and that she was feeling better.

My 'highly attuned' alarm bells rang when she said that her fingers were still bleeding.

"oh shit," I thought to myself. "It has been six hours since she did this. If they are still bleeding there must be something very wrong."

So I race up to see her.

'Nanny' show me your fingers.

'Oh, they are okay' she said as she peeled of the layers of bloody tissues.

I look down and to my horror and absolute dismay and panic... I see two severed fingers.

I said..."Oh my God, Nanny, we have to get you to hospital NOW"

As she is blind and cannot see the gaping wound, blood, flesh and bone... she said.."no no, it is okay now.. I don't need a fuss."

After about a minutes worth of arguing I had to just yell at her to get in the car. I was only getting really panic stricken because she was not willing to believe what I told her.

SO I said....'Nanny, I can see your bones... you need the hospital to put you back together again."

(Actually, I think I said 'shit' a few times amongst that) My swearing would have horrified her.. but OMG... I was really upset.

SO she finally gets in the car and I race her to hospital. The wounds were too old to stitch. She had to spend about 50 minutes being carefully taped togther. All in all we spent about 5 hours in hospital... it took that long for them to wet it, get Xrays, soak it in some anti germ stuff, and place all the skin back together.

Amazingly she has the consitition of Atila the Hun. She is of that tough old stoic generation who does not complain.

So now she is safe.... bandaged up.....well fed (on her mushy vegetables) and in bed.

I have a bloody awful headache. Whiskey has not helped...surprisingly.

I admire this woman so much. She has overcome so much adversity in life. What a survivor!

Oct 3, 2006 at 06:39 o\clock

For old scheme Blogigoers

Hey there.... does anyone still have contact with Mistwarrior? Has she begun yet another blog somewhere else? I am keen to hear how she is going.

 

Cheers. 

Sep 29, 2006 at 16:10 o\clock

Untitled

I am eternally grateful that I am on holidays. Well,,,, tonight is the first night of my holidays.

I feel that I have to clarify my last entry. I did not have a blackout due to some strenuous drinking session.... it was an electrical blackout. Bad weather does that in the area I live in. Not that I live in the stone age or anything... just a quirky, pretty place.

But, I am over that now. When we built this house, I insisted on gas so that, in blackouts, we could still have hot water and cook. So at least we could be clean and well fed.

I have a new staff member. She is my age, but new in my profession. She shows much talent and I know that others will be head hunting her.

So I mentioned to my boss that I had the feeling she might leave. (Why work where I do.... when you can have an easier time in other areas?) Anyway, she wanted to speak to me privately this morning. She told me that she had been offered another job. But she had said 'no' because she felt that she could learn from me (well, that was the warm fuzzy bit of the story)

Then she said..... "I really like they way you run this place... it is kind of like a friendly prison"

I choked.

It is funny the perceptions that one has of oneself..... Am I self deluded? I have always considered myself very flexible. A prison. A prison. Did I hear her right?

What is more amusing is that she seems to like the idea of a 'friendly prison'.... honestly, I don't know whether to laugh or cry!

Sep 24, 2006 at 12:27 o\clock

Blackout

I have just endured a blackout that has lasted for most of the day and half the night.

Cooking in the dark made for an interesting meal.

I love power. (In more ways than one)

Oh yeah... wedding was fine - I got all teary - my son the pageboy did a gorgeous job. It was all fine, except for my hangover today. Eww.

Sep 22, 2006 at 22:57 o\clock

quickly visiting another dimention of my life

I just had to write this.

It has been difficult changing my lifestyle. I have been eating healthily for two weeks. Today is my weigh day. I have lost 1.7 kilos.

I did not think anything was happening... so this was a pleasant surprise. It gives me the spark to keep going.

Well, I am off to iron all the outfits for the wedding... so I must be off.

I have bought a bottle of champagne to take for myself.... because the bride insists on drinking sweet sparkling wine that is $3.99 a bottle. The last glass she gave me made me pretty ill. Not to mention the bloody vulgar taste.

Ok- cheers to all... I am off

Sep 22, 2006 at 13:15 o\clock

I accept my horribleness

Hmmmm, what is it about me? I just dislike going to weddings.

My husbands best friend is getting married tomorrow. And I cannot say that I am looking forward to it.

I mean, he is marrying someone who is right for him. I guess she is just not quite right for me.

My son is the page boy. He is mighty excited.

I had a demanding and crappy day at work and find myself very tired. I am off to bed.... so I can get up and get organised for the wedding of the year.

Is it ironic that my 'myers briggs' profile I am an extravert but I detest these kinds of social gatherings.

(oh... I don't whinge all the time... but lately.. I guess I am) But that is probably because I can get it all out here.... and I have to hide my true feelings in real life...

So I guess I should explain that this blog is not the real me because it is not the whole me.... it is just the 'me' that needs to download at times.

Sep 21, 2006 at 12:00 o\clock

my significant other

Oh my goodness!!!

It has been terrible. Frustrating. Almost debilitating! My laptop crashed big time and I was technologically naked for quite a few days.

I was surprised to find myself a little lost.

I did not realise how important this little piece of technology is to me.

When the tech guy saw me he said 'how important was that laptop to you" I replied that it was a big part of my life.

*Inside I felt my heart beating faster and a rising level of anxiety filling my chest.*

He laughed and gave it back and said it was now fine.

I was so concerned that I would not have this laptop to continue my various work related business... and of course all the internet interests of mine.

But all is well that ends well.

Things are not too bad in my life. I am very tired and when that happens, I don't tend to suffer fools to well. So I have not been 'making friends' at work. *sigh* Not that I care too much. I don't have a great need for people to love me. A healthy 'respect' is enough for me. I have to give feedback that people don't want to hear (fairly regularly), and then they tend to blame me or others for their failures. Pffff they usually get over it...... well if they want to survive in our system they do. (Then I admire them for just getting on with it)

If they want to play 'persecuter' that is fine by me.....  It is probably a sad thing about me.. but I actually enjoy playing those 'games'.

I am an extraordinarily loyal and giving friend, but if someone wants to try and give me a hard time....they don't end up feeling satisified.

But there I go.... sounding all intolerant again. I need a holiday. I need one badly. I must find my balance - find my compassion...